How do you make a list? What do you write in a note?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by evilperson, Oct 21, 2009.

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  1. evilperson

    evilperson Well-Known Member

    I don't know......I dont' knwo what to say to my son, to my parents, so they can deal with it....

    I need somebody to pick my child up but so they alread know what happened...but if I send and email to them they may call an ambulance on me and then I won't be successful and have to go to a mental facility and get locked up for a while:unsure:. Don't want that!

    What do I write in that note that I would send to a friend? How would I go about it?

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    im not gunna tell you how to go about writing your letter.
    you dont want to be locked up in a mental ward. ok. you would rather end your life then try to get some help. or maybe you dont want to face the humiliation of being in a mental ward.

    what about your child ?
    its not like your gunna be around to care whether or not that child is picked up or not.
    theres ppl that depend on you in your life. are they not worth trying to get help ?
    once you are successful ... nothing will matter. thats the bottom line.
  3. evilperson

    evilperson Well-Known Member

    What good is a mental ward going to do? So.....they will sedate me. lock me up and sedate me. What next? Then they will let me out and life will be crap again. Gee........great.

    What about my child? I want to stay with my child. I would miss him. I love him. Yes he depends on me. I just don't want to stay around any logner, I want to die.

    It matters if my child is picked up. He will need psychological help to deal with it. I plan to detail this in my letter. He also needs to be picked up because the person picking him up will need to be forewarned of what happened. We don't want anybody walking in on me and getting traumatised do we?

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    well, not knowing the full extent of your issues, i would think there are ppl to talk to. i mean, if you are successful, your child is going to have to deal with talking to ppl to get over the pain he or she will be going through.
    traumatized is isnt the word i would use. just the pain they will go through knowing what you did and didnt feel like getting help will be quite a issue to live with. thats assuming they dont get the same idea your having right now.

    yeah, maybe i sound like an asshole, but when i hear about young children that will have to deal with the results of your mindset ... it kinda pisses me off. there are ppl to help you get through what ever you got going right now.
    you just dont seem interested in taking any steps or anymore steps to make things better for you. sad to say ... you wont miss your child .. HE will miss you. maybe sleep on it and a solution will come up that you are willing to try.
  5. evilperson

    evilperson Well-Known Member

    What makes you think I haven't spent years of my life trying to reach out?

    I am already dead, just suffering. But okay, I will stay.
  6. evilperson

    evilperson Well-Known Member

    Got ready. Put on my scarf thingy on my head. Thought: wow, I haven't put anything pretty on my head lately, didn't seem to have thought of those things in the mornings.

    I knew myself and knowing myself, I would never keep anything dangerous in the house. All I could find were scarves, I don't keep any pills and the cockroach spray wasn't looking very tempting. No sharp knives in the house, thanks to me as well! Freaking have suicide proofed this house haven't I.

    So I decided to go to a place where the road goes over the rails. Decided to walk there enjoying my last minutes of sunshine. Charged up my mobile phone, getting ready to text somebody before the end, making that my letter. Didn't want it dying on me when I wanted it to work. Emailed my counsellor telling her I feel sad.....left it at that.

    And I couldn't do it. I stood at my door and thought of my son and how he would be absolutely shattered because he loves me so much and I couldn't do it. I feel so dead but I just couldn't do it. Suddenly I began to cry and I haven't cried for so long. Just thinking about how he would be heartbroken. How the next day he would come to school crying and what a tragedy it would be.

    And I couldn't do it, I can't do it.

    I feel so dead though.

    P.s. that was my 100th post. Lol.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I think you already know that no words you can put on a paper is going to make the others understand. Now letter is going to make it easier for you to do it. No letter is going to ease the pain of those that really do love and care about you.

    You tried and couldnt do it. You know how deeply your son needs you and loves you. So why not use that knowledge to give you the strength to make the arrangements for the hospital? Until you go you'll never know if it will help or not. And anything that might help you to find the strength and resources to strick it out for your child cant be all that bad can it? You trying to constantly struggle with the thoughts, the feeling of being dead, the sheer weight of it all might be lessened if you go. Please think about it. Make a list of all the reasons you dont want to go and then beside each one list one word... son. What do you think he could live with easier? Loosing his Mom to the thoughts and pain or knowing she is trying to get better and stronger? Hope you can find the courage to go to the hospital. If not for you then for those that would benefit even more from you being safe. :arms:
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Oh and congratulations on the senior standing with your 100th post. Bet you never thought you'd make it that far. I know when I came I didnt think I would see more than 2 or 3. This place has literally been a life saver several times for me. Here's hoping to see the next 100 and on.

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    glad you had a change of heart. when you see your son in the morning, give him a big hug.
    im glad you will be around. look on the internet or phone book tomorrow and begin a new plan ... to live your life.

    we each have something that keeps us going ... even throught the tuff times.
    you have your son. that is very important to you .. you just proved it to yourself.

    give it another shot. hell, ive been giving it another shot since 1973.
  10. evilperson

    evilperson Well-Known Member

    Thanks. It's because of him I'm staying. But there's no new plan. I already have a counsellor.

    I'm sorry but you really didn't understand what I wrote before. I am already in counselling, and hospital doesn't make things better. I am deeply against current psychiatric practices for a long of things and sedating me won't make me better.

    It's not hospital I need. I will see my counsellor tomorrow so that will make things better. I've being feeling dead for a long time and it's not going to go away, at least not straight away. It's a long journey and I may fail in the end. Please stop telling me to go hospital, hospital isn't the right place for me.
  11. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    You seriously think we would advise you on writing a suicide note? I wrote one of those before. Shortly before I swallowed a bunch of pills to try and end my life. The cops took the note which I suspect they gave to the psychologists at the asylum I was then forced to stay in. I WISH I could read that note I had written during that intense moment of pain. I would probably cry now reading it, but feel a sense of relief that that is my past. I'm glad I was found!

    I feel for your son. I have no kids, no parents. Apart from which it did not occur to me the pain I would leave behind from my suicide. I thought I had nothing to live for too, but you have a son. You gave life to this person, if you take your own life you are taking his too. He will have to suffer for the rest of his life knowing his mother killed herself. I have friends who have lost their mother to suicide, they're in their 40's now and STILL feel the agonizing pain. It never goes way. Please get the help you need for your sake and for your sons sake. He needs his mommy. Glad you are seeing a counselor. I wish you continued courage! Perhaps you need something new in your life to stimulate you?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 22, 2009
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