I survived another attempt. Some people think "great, she got that out of her system and she'll move on." But I cant. The thoughts and urges are just as strong as they ever were. And I was soooo close to what I've been aching so long for. But once again teased with it. Torn away from me by some EMS people and a doc at the hospital. If you have never been there you cant understand. People get put off with me when they keep giving me "positive" words of wisdom and support. But I'm stuck in the negative. And anything you give me positive I will be able to rationalize back to my negative dark hole I'm in. So they get frustrated thinking I dont want or appreciate the support they offer. Eventually they stop offering and turn away cuz in their eyes it isnt worth the effort anymore. People seem to think I choose to be where I am. I dont want to be here. And I try and try to get out. Sometimes for a few seconds I can see a hint of something more "normal". But it fades too quickly to really help me. All the years of mental health counselling, visits with the pdoc and my gp, the support groups. All of it seems to only come full circle each and every time. I'm back once again with the same problems and they all offer the same answers. All things that didnt work or I wouldnt be back with them. So the professionals start to give up too. Everyone expecting me to be able to just run full shit into each new problem and just get over it or fix it all by myself. But I cant. They cant understand how emotionally and physically I'm drained. To the point that I choose death over trying to fight it all anymore. What do you say to the people that have been there and made it through? And because they have they think you should be able to as well. And because you cant they leave too because they think you really arent trying or are just doing all this for attention. How do you make those that think you're lying or being over dramatic understand how wrong they are. How do you express what you are really feeling if they only doubt every word and action? And when I try to explain, I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs into the rumblings of a freight train running down the track. People see me trying to say things but just cant hear me. So how do you get people to understand? Family, friends, professionals? How do you get them to understand something that has taken over your life and you dont even understand it? Do you keep trying to make them understand or do you just turn away on them like they keep doing to you?