How do you manage to have a normal relationship after sexual abuse

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Sparkles, Oct 16, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Sparkles

    Sparkles New Member

    I was abused on and off by a lot of different men from the time I was 7 to 17. I'm 21 now and dealing with horrible post problems. Everytime I get into a relationship I mess it up by being crazy. I push them away because I'm so needy but at the same time so hostile. It's hard to trust people, and intimacy is so hard for me, it's so awkward. So I'm wondering what are some of things you guys do to try to make your relationships seem as normal as possible?
  2. clouds

    clouds Well-Known Member

    sorry you are having a tough time, Im much older than you and was only involved in one incident and Im struggling so really not sure what to advise. Maybe trust your judgement when you become involved with someone, if it feels comfortable take your time and share what you need to help the other person know where your coming from and maybe that will help
  3. Doxic

    Doxic Member

    HEY!! I'm so happy to hear that someone else is going through the same thing as me!!! I probably could have posted the exact thing ver batim, and I was actually about to too! I am a guy who was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by both my father and my older brother from the time I was 5 to about the time I was 16 (about 2 years ago). I thought that I had made it through okay, only to get to college and realize that I am so not!! I got into a relationship with a guy here, and I can't even let him touch me, not so much as a pat on the shoulder, because I have these flashbacks, and as a result, I've been feeling like I just want to hit him or something, in order to fight these ghosts from my past, these instances in which I was completely powerless. I've been getting psychological help through my school. And it's been sort of helpful. Don't follow me though. I actually don't have much advice. I had to sort of end the relationship yesterday because I couldn't trust myself with it anymore. I was afraid of what I'd do. I feel like catharsis therapy would be best for me. Maybe if I let out all this pent-up rage and anger on some sort of inanimate object, or just had a place where I could scream, I'd feel a lot better about it all, you know? Maybe it would help me deal with that feeling of powerlessness. Maybe I could save myself from that horrible past by beating the crap out of the ghosts that haunt me. :ghost: I don't know if this is exactly how you feel. Either way, just know that you're not the only one. I couldn't imagine that anyone else was in my state of mind, and finding you here was already a big help! :smile:
  4. Doxic

    Doxic Member

    Oh, and side-note. I also feel ridiculously needy as a result, and it has been so hard struggling with that on the other side of it. Because I was trying to date someone who didn't want someone who was "clingy" and that's another reason it had to end, because I needed someone who wanted to be needed. And it's okay to need. And if you're not getting that, that's another reason that you could be feeling hostile. I know I was. And also, if that person doesn't know about your history, and doesn't take hints, and doesn't ask even though you want them to, it can just be so frustrating!!!! And it can also make you angry, which leads to hostile. Maybe it's just not the right relationship. There are so many people out there, and you deserve someone who wants you, all of you, and exactly you, and they will be what you need.
  5. Firelord

    Firelord Active Member

    I never have had an issue with needy girls (not that I've never been in a relationship with one). Honestly, I think I'd probably be a lot better off with one.

    Kind of funny really. Last time I was in a serious relationship was with this girl at a vocational school a couple years back. She thought of me as her "knight in shining armor". I didn't really know anyone there outside of her and we were with each other for about a week. Then one day this guy starts sexually harassing her. Touching her when she tells him not to. I come along and tell him to stop. He doesn't, so I pull his tiny ass (I'm 6'3 he was 5'5 or so) off he couch, toss him to the floor and position my foot above his head and tell him if he didn't get out of my sight I would shove his teeth down his throat with my my size thirteen sneaker. He listens, runs away and she walks off. Not long later a friend of hers tells me it's over and that I'm too over reactive and a jerk.

    I guess being a "knight in shining armor" means "knight just in his armor. No sword."
  6. honeybun30

    honeybun30 Member

    Hi Sparkles, i know how hard it is babe. I have lost track of the number of times i've been abused, i met my husband 7yrs ago i used to push him away cause i had so many barriers up, i used to push his buttons and was surprised when he didn't rise to it. We have now been married for 6yrs and just to test us a bit more my last assult ended with me becoming pregnant and hiv positive.All u can do is take it one step at a time and if the guy is worth being with he will take things at ur pace ok babe. If i can make it i know u can. All the best sparkles, from helen x
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 7, 2010
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean.
  8. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Take things slow(er)...?

    I don't think this method will ever work again for me if I ever decide to try the whole relationship again in my lifetime. -___-
    My boyfriend waited a year for me before I would let him kiss me.
    I don't think a grown man would be willing to wait that long- no matter how much he liked me. That would be moving much-much too slow for an adult... but it takes time to earn someone's trust and for me to be comfortable around them, so that's my only method and the only way I can think of to get things to work without the freakout - push away- holycrapIdun'gonecrazy bit.

    I think you need to focus on being close friends in your relationships first and restrain yourself- take it slow for your own good.
    Aside from that, I'm not so sure what else you can do... perhaps therapy- as it works for some people... but I often feel like I'm just permanently damaged goods on a discount rack.
  9. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    If they're not willing to take it somewhat slow sexually maybe it's not worth pursuing. I can't imagine waiting a few months to be a critical issue if there's a real bond happening. A year might strain things but I'd certainly wait some months for someone special to me.

    But the average relationship for people my age is only 3 months... So your options might be limited to the less shallow (what a pity that you can't date shallow guys.)

    After the first healthy relationship it'll probably be easier to trust the guy.

    Edit: And don't rush it. If you go in too fast and have to stop that'll be many times more stressful than waiting.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 9, 2010
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.