How do you overcome childhood rage?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EmptyLife, Feb 17, 2009.

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  1. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    How do you overcome rage at events in your past? I've been betrayed by a psychiatrist. I was cheated out of my potential by my parents, teachers. And then when I end up in a hospital young, no one was interested in my reasons for my anger. They kept telling me my feelings instead.
    For years recently, I had a wonderful therapist who validated all my feelings, but it didn't help me at all, unfortunately. I recently had to quit him because he wasn't covered by insurance. But, lovely as he was, I didn't get any better.
    How do you stop being angry at the past? "Get over it" doesn't help me. I can't come to terms with what has happened to me. I've been in therapy all my life and have tried dozens of medications. Exercise doesn't make me feel better at all.
    And my anger has stopped me from becoming in the future. I haven't been able to sublimate it into new achievements or accomplishments. Some people can put the energy of their rage into new ventures. I wish I could.
    I hate writing all this personal stuff on the Web, and I may regret it, but I'm feeling so desperate.
    I feel this is all genetic/neurological and I have been powerless to change it. And now I'm 44 and I've had a totally empty life.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There are no simple answers here, but I think the fundamental premise is to care for yourself and know you are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation...J
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    i sense in your writings, that there is a big YOU down there somewhere, and that's who is wanting to live and to have a FULL life.
    life is never only about 'happiness'....but life CAN be more than mere survival. and your 'empty life' to me, sounds like plain survival. heart beating, still breathing, nothing else.

    this is the real part of you - and it is greatly resilient - it is still reaching out - and overcoming all those years of not being heard or acknowledged, might be hard if you are suggesting that to ''overcome'' is to forget. or to erase.

    ...but i DO believe you can choose and carry through with - an authentic and quality-filled life - DESPITE your years of childhood rage. xxxx
  4. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I have big anger issues, but unfortunately (or is it fortunately? i can't tell!) i can't express it very well and so it just whirls away in the background and floods out at the worst possible times. Thats probably the reason i don't feel much most of the time, its a defense mechanism to stop all this anger getting out! :dry:

    Anyway, i can relate. I've managed to overcome some areas of anger, i'm no longer angry at the people who used to bully me at school for example. I've been trying to think why this no longer bothers me anymore and i think it is through understanding. When i was younger and angry at the bullies i was so consumed in my thoughts and feelings that i could not see any other perspective. After i left school i started to allow myself to write down all the words and feelings i had about the bullies, to just feel what i felt and say what i wanted to say without worrying about looking like a bad person or people telling me i was wrong. I wrote and wrote for months, going over the same topics again and again, until i was able to get beyond my feelings and hurt and start to think more about what the other people in the situation were thinking/feeling etc. This took me down a path i didn't think i'd go, but i started to realise that perhaps i was partially at fault. I know that sounds stupid, i don't mean i went and blamed myself for being bullied but i started to see things through their eyes and acknowledge that i didn't exactly help the situation. Having that bit of perspective meant i was able to allow others to have faults, and to realise there was more to the situations i encountered than simply what i felt at the time. It meant the situation became less about me personally. I'm not sure i forgive them for what they did but i understand more now and so i'm able to let it be in the past where it belongs. I dunno, i think understanding brings with it a different level of emotion - anger is quite a primitive and fundamental emotion, i think it can be overcome because of this.

    That was probably no use whatsoever, but i hope it is of some help at least. I know that i'd be a lot happier if i was able to identify why i was still angry. I don't think i'm ready to look at that just yet though, i think that is too scary for me right now because it may bring other emotions up like self-hatred, loathing, sadness - that i'm not sure i can deal with right now. It sounds like your anger is covering up a lot of hurt too.

    One thing that did stand out to me in your post was something i can really relate too - the feeling of not being heard. You said in the past you were told what you felt and perhaps what you should be feeling? That is a big element of my past, being told what i could and could not express/feel. Perhaps there is more to your anger than you think? Perhaps instead of getting validation externally what you really need to give yourself is the right/validation to feel what you feel. If you grow up in an environment where you aren't allowed to express emotions or are told what you feel, you start to distrust your emotions and bury them. I know i've learnt that anger is a bad emotion, i'm trying to learn though that it isn't bad, everyone feels angry, and that i can feel anger without being a bad person.
  5. EmptyLife

    EmptyLife Well-Known Member

    This is a good idea and very interesting, except my abuse was so strange and illogical, it defies anyone's experience. What my mother and other people did to me makes no sense. I don't want to go into it here.
    If I were physically beaten or sexually abused, I would be able to get lots of support and empathy, even though I suffer psychological and physical effects that are as severe as those who suffer those crimes.
    I can even often understand why people commit those types of crimes.
    The maniacal psychological torture I was exposed to just gets strange looks on people's faces.
    Oprah says when you forgive someone, you're forgiving yourself. But I can't forgive what I don't understand. My torture makes no, no sense.
    Another suicide attempt failed yesterday, and I am in agony every minute of every day of every year of every decade of most of my 44 years. I can't think of anything I've enjoyed since early childhood.
    I don't know what I could have done to deserve this life. I feel I must have been a heinous person, like a Nazi concentration camp guard, in a previous life. I don't know why I've been forced to endure what psychological and physical suffering I have.
  6. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know what you're feeling. I feel it every day of my life for almost 44 years (next month). I wonder if I want to do that 44th year (I've wondered about the next year for about the last five years, every time a birthday comes about). The psychological abuse is worse than the physical or the sexual (I've suffered all three my entire life as well) - mainly because there's aspects of psychological in all three, but as you pointed out, you can point to physical and sexual abuse, and people respond; they don't respond at all to psychological/emotional abuse, and psychological/emotional abuse is the hardest to put your finger on.

    My dad's a raging narcissist. I'm his victim. My mother was his victim before me, and her mother and his mother as well. Less my mother's mother, she was rather like I am and is extremely independent - a quality my dad despises because it makes us harder to control.

    Narcissistic abuse is mainly psychological. Everyone who knows my dad adores him and thinks he's just this sweet little helpful, altruistic, old man. Nothing could be further from the truth - except that being a "sweet little old man" to them gets him what he wants, which is their pity and attention, and when someone notices he's really a bitter old b****** who enjoys going out of his way to hurt people - well, his demeanor of "sweet little old man" covers for it, and he can blame the people that he's actually victimizing.

    I'm still forced to deal with him. This man has ruined my life. Like you, he had me put into mental health and therapy and everything early in life, pointing all fingers at me so that people wouldn't look at him. He turned my family against me. He turned teachers against me. He separated me from my mother, friends and any support. I have complex PTSD due to him that began when I was a child. That's it. Complex PTSD. Yet he's glad I have a mental health problem because that means nothing is wrong with him! It's all me! I've lost my home and belongings over him several times (and looking to do so again, just to escape). I've lost my children over him; yet he remains a "fine upstanding citizen" and me?

    I end up here on suicide forums like you - contemplating my 44th year and wondering if I really want to do it because everything up til now has been so completely f*cked up, and I can't foresee anything getting any better within the next year - much less the next 44.

    Depression is rage turned inwards. I've done everything, too, therapy, drugs, you name it - and I have no idea what to do any longer, either. Nothing has helped. And now that I find myself here, again, in this frame of mind, and I reach out for help around me (therapists, clinics, whatnot) I'm finding they really don't have anything either that I haven't tried before - and I am now being turned away. (They'd rather pump us up with drugs than give us the support we need.) I reach out to what few friends I have, and they're tired of me or want nothing to do with it. So, like you, I'm forced to reach out on the internet, where no one here can really do a thing except hopefully say the right words to keep us going (for some reason), and at least knowing we're not alone, or maybe validate that we're not crazy and our perceptions are real.

    Sometimes just being able to focus outwards from ourselves can help. Sometimes venting can help. I'm glad you posted and that I saw your post, your venting at least lets me know I'm not the only one with these feelings for this elusive reason.

    I have no idea if my venting helps you at all. Maybe we were both Nazi SS officers or something in a past life. I've wondered that often myself -

    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2009
  7. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    I wish I can still blame my family, they fucked up and gave me a lousy childood, but I fucked up in the last few years when I began realizing how great life is

    you just have to let it go or forgive them or find peace or whatever, you arent hurting anyone but yourself when you hate them, now that i am older and i fucked my life up i pity my family more because now i am a burden on them

    if your family is still alive i would talk to them or let off steam or do something to tell them what you are thinking, another thing i wish i did a few years back

    of course i say this all as there are new people who i hate who kind of fucked me up in the last few years, but as far as your family, they gave birth to you and didnt know any better, as therapists say you have to be your own parent
  8. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Boy, I wish my life were as simple as that, that I could "just forgive". Either that or I must be kind of thick after 20-odd years of therapy and still dealing with my complex PTSD and my narcissistic father. I'm glad this has worked for you, wastedmylife. Maybe some day I'll get it - or maybe I'll just quit.
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