how do you respond to an email like this from the bf of the girl you slept with

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Perfect Melancholy, Jun 24, 2010.

  1. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I don't know what to think right now. Nothing makes sense and I feel numb. Yet, living a life that is nothing more than a lie isn't true happiness. Although we all have some fragmentation of a deluded reality and certain aspects of our lives are constructed illusions, there is a monumental difference in something that is real and something that is not--something true, and a fabricated lie. I seek truth in all things. I admit my faults and God knows I have too many. But I do try to work on them.

    If I went my entire life without knowing the truth, and I was eighty years old and had the happiest life I could imagine... and then found out the truth, that someone had cheated on me... I would scratch my life up as a waste--a terrible and painful waste that I would long to take back for the remaining moments of my old life.

    I don't know what will happen to me to be honest. I need to talk to her and I will. I don't know what she'll say, but if all of this happened, then I believe she'll be honest with me. She's at Harnhill again, which I paid for again (although I know you sent her money for the trip, too, at one point). I believe she'll come out a better and stronger person, she has hidden strength that I've felt. I also know that she's had a very difficult life, which I'm not saying you and others haven't, but I admire her in a lot of ways. Whatever happened, I hope and pray she'll now be closer to God, and that she'll be honest with me. I have to trust in her on that. I'll speak with her soon and take it from there.

    Tomorrow is her last day at ****, but I don't want to bring anything up until she has returned from Scotland to see her family. I want her to focus on her experience at **** and enjoy one of the few times that she has with her family. Though in due time, I will speak with her, though I don't know what will happen thereafter.

    I've done my best, put her in front of everyone, given her everything that I could, and did everything she wanted me to do. I tried to explain to her how beautiful she is, how much I need her and how happy she's made me--how special she is and how much I love her... but no matter how hard I tried, I never could explain something so powerful to her. Even so, in spite of my futile efforts, maybe she just doesn't love me if she betrayed my love. Maybe it doesn't matter how much I love her. And once I speak to her, I'll have to keep that in mind, among many other things.

    If all of this really has happened, just know that I forgive you. I don't condone what you've done, and she's just as much to blame if it happened no matter who initiated it, or coaxed the other one into the act. I forgive her, too, although I feel she may have disappointed me more than anyone. She was with me, she promised me time and time again that she only wanted friends and nothing more. I always believed her, but I did ask her questions. She said that she loved me and it meant so much just to know that, but now, if all of this is true, I don't know what to believe about our entire relationship.

    Truthfully, I'm afraid that if I do bring this up and she does confess and admit that all of this happened, she'll just tell me that it wasn't working out anyhow like it wasn't a big deal. I don't know, I just know that I've loved her so much and this all seems like a horrible nightmare. I don't know what's going to happen from here on out, I need to talk to her and find out what she has to say about everything. I've always trusted her, even if she never believed me. I just asked a lot of questions because it's so hard when the one you love is a world away. I just wanted to know what was going on with her life, and at one point, it seemed like she just started excluding me from her life, distancing herself more and more. I wish I never had gone back to school.

    Anyhow, I've said too much. I need to talk to her and see what she has to say about everything. Although I would like one more thing from you and I'll leave you alone. I'm just getting your side of the story, because I'll need her to confirm a few things when I speak with her. If you could answer these few questions:

    1.) She promised me over and over again that you two were only friends. At one point she did say that you wanted more, but she made it clear that she was only in love with me. So my question is, was there a romance between you two? As in, were there any confessions of love on her behalf?

    2.) What happened that night. How did it happen.

    3.) Who initiated the act.

    4.) And do you know why she lied to me, why she wouldn't tell me, or be honest and upfront.

    Until then,

    ~ *************
  2. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I'd just answer his questions and reply honestly.
  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Basically long story short she lied to me chased me got my trust told me they had split up slept with me lent her money I never got back then buggered of.......any help on this I really need because I feel awful and I have enough on without dragging up something that happened 4 months ago.

    oh and I trusted her too =(
  4. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    It looks like you are both hurting at the hands of this girl, so maybe by replying to him you can both get some closure?
  5. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I have closure I want nothing to do with it, he wants me to tell him everything I am not sure I can do it I have enough on. DO I even owe him an explanation?

    -sorry tired and stressed- :hug:
  6. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Shit. Honestly.. I don't even know what to tell you to do. Logic tells me you should just be honest and tell him the truth so that he can get her out of his life for the shit she has caused. But I've been in his situation. I've been dated someone that I loved more than anything and had them cheat on me and felt that need to know all the answers, and trust me, it'll eat him up inside to hear what you have to say. But if you don't tell him, he might end up wasting more years of his life on a girl who doesn't deserve his love.

    Personally I'd just.. tell the truth. But do the guy a favour and leave out the details. Knowing who initiated the act, if she told you she loved you.. if the answers to those are truthfully "her" and "yes".. it can take years to get over that kind of heartbreak. He definitely deserves to hear what you have to say, I just think you need to be mindful of how fragile this guy is right now. Try not to tell him anything he can go without knowing.
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I just feel so guilty and hurt she lied to us both yet he still does not seem to want to believe it so I really have no idea, it is hurting me at a time when I need to focus on myself, and I am worried this is going to do me more harm, but at the same time I did something wrong so I dont deserve to really have any sympthy at all.
  8. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    You definitely owe this guy a reply. If someone slept with your girlfriend who you loved you'd want to know what had gone on, especially when you feel you can't trust a word that comes out of the mouth of your loved one. Just reply and get it over with. Make it clear to him that after your reply you're done with the situation. Tell him what he needs to hear and be done with it. It won't take 10 minutes out of your time to do and you can still focus on yourself afterwards, with the chapter fully closed and behind you.
  9. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I guess the problem is it is a reminder of how I fuck everything up, yeah I know great time for self pity etc. But I did like this girl and she liked me I thought, turns out I was being used as well. I will reply but it is going to really hurt me putting it down having to remember stuff, but I guess that is karma-sighs-
  10. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Give her crabs.
  11. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

  12. MaNg0s

    MaNg0s Well-Known Member

    Awesome . Be honest with him he should know who this girl really is he obviously cares for her very much and he seems to be a decent guy for not saying that he wants to kick your ass, which is what many guys first reaction to an unfaithful partner would be. But he was civil so the civil thing to do even though you were lied to about their status of the relationship is to be civil with him and be honest. Good luck bro hope it works out.
  13. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I would answer his questions, not knowing the full situation.
  14. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    well it all came ahead tonight she text me and found out he knew she went mad at me called me every name possible and some more. Refuses to give me my money back and says if I contact her she will get her mates onto me, so I guess I will not be replying now. I just feel an Idiot to trust someone like that I thought I could trust and love again clearly not.:sigh:
  15. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    Look this is the best case scenario trust me. Cut your losses and your better off without her. I have been in this situation. She is in the wrong. She played both of you for a fool. I'll tell you a quick story. My best friend was dating a girl for three years. They were together but she made passes at me sometimes. I thought she was just joking. We were intellectually more equal than he and she was. I have horrible luck with women.

    Anyway one day her and I were at the bar together. He didn't come (my best friend) because he was too busy playing World of Warcraft. We had a great time as we always do. I liked her but I never thought anything would ever happen. I never thought it would.

    We came back from the bar and we were chatting and she kissed me on the forehead. I said what was that for? And then she kissed me. I thought it was wrong but it had been so long. All of the thoughts that she should be with me I am the better man ran through my head. We slept together a mere 10 feet from my sleeping best friend of 15 years. We didn't talk about it.

    A few weeks alter I confronted her. I thought about over and over. If she wasn't happy with him then she should be with me. I told her how I felt and we left together. We met a few times. I thought I was in love. That she loved me too. It was the closest to me ever being happy with a woman.

    Until eventually someone told some else. Everyone knew except him. I wanted to tell him. But she told him while I was at work. I couldn't even defend myself.

    Turns out it was all a lie. She used me, his best friend to hurt him deeply. Then she left me for a biker mechanic. My friend and I didn't speak for a year. I lost an entire circle of friends, my house, and everything for her.

    We eventually started to speak to each other again. But when we were just about to get close again he died in a car accident. Caused by his excessive drinking, which I am sure was due to her leaving him. He wanted to marry her.

    So moral of the story, keep your dick in your pants, don't fool around with someone else girl, and most of all just tell him.

    You owe this guy, he sounds really level headed and just deeply hurt. Ease his pain.
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Wow, the person who wrote that feels so deeply for her.

    He sounds like his heart is being torn apart and asking for those gruesome details sounds like he does want to break off with her, and wants the truth- but that could break him.

    It all sounds like a horrible experience for you too. I suppose things resolved itself in a way- but yeah, you were used, and he sounds like he's gonna get a shock when he slowly realises who he is with- he seems to be on the right track anyway- she obviously doesn't care as much for him, as he does for her.

    Yeah, this is exactly what I get from the letter too. It sounds like something I'd have written. He's very much in love with this girl, and given a lot to her- his heart, and it sounds rare and precious. It's a while since I've read something by someone who knows what the meaning of love is.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 22, 2010
  17. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I'd say just tell him what he asks and the truth in general. Then wash your hands of the mess. :eek:hmy: