how do you say goodbye

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dumdumgurl, Jun 23, 2007.

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  1. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    to friends who you don't want to know you are going to do yourself in? you want to let them know they've been a good friend to you and that you didn't do it to piss them off or to hurt them or to do anything but to stop the pain you feel inside that they couldn't and they can't possibly fix and inside they know it? you just want to say thanks for being a friend when you needed one and someone you know who genuinely cared about you but don't want to say hey i'll be dead in a few days and just want to let you knowyou meant the world to me and there's nothing you could have done to change things from happening they needed to be this way i've finished the fight and want to go home to be with god. i know i'd want someone to tell me this is they were going to exit but i know i can't unless i was to be discovered and meddlers would meddle and i would be even worse or and seen as mentally unstable and we aren't you know, we really aren't. sometimes i think we are the only realistic people on earth not going la di da everythign is happy in munchkin land cause it fuckin ain't. don't want to hurt anyone and having them know i cared and loved them might make it easier because then you aren't left with the why why why did they do this is they cared didn't i mean anythign to them and they did but i have fought and fought and fought again and even in war you eventually get killed if you are in the line of fire once too often. it's my time to go and i'm ready. scared but ready.
     
  2. no point

    no point Well-Known Member

    I was also thinking the same stuff this past week. I decided I'm not ready. I'm scared to do it and I'm scared what will happen after I'm gone. From reading your thread, I can also see that you're scared. Why don't you try to hold on for a while and see what happens? Maybe try to talk to someone about your feelings and what brings you to feel this way. You may not see an apparent reason why you feel this way. I know I don't. I'm also here to listen if you want to talk to me. I hope you don't do it :hug:
     
  3. -Deception-

    -Deception- Well-Known Member

    About a month ago I decided I was ready too. Nowadays, I do not fear death. I've embraced it. Death is for me the most rational way of saying no to this world and most things in it. Death is a relief.

    Thus, I've been saying goodbye to people for the last month or so. Every time I've met someone I'm close to I've made sure to hug them before we part our separate ways, but it's difficult to start talking about how you've truly appreciated their company without starting to talk about how you're not killing yourself to hurt them, but rather to alleviate the tremendous issues within.

    My solution has been to just approach this matter in a simple yet worthy way. I look them deep into the eyes when I talk to them, I wear my "happy" face and I talk with them about things that matter, things that they will remember when they mourn my passing.

    Another thing you have to start doing, by the way, is compiling and assessing the note you'll leave behind. I've contemplated to and fro' the pros and cons when it comes to leaving a note, and I reached the conclusion that I kind of owe them some sort of explanation, however brief it may be.

    Sorrow is something for those who we leave behind to linger on in this world. If you love the ones you leave behind, try to be as worthy in death as possible, and make sure that they, when the sorrow dampens, can find comfort in knowing that they were not the reason why you no longer exist in this world.
     
  4. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    that's EXACTLY it i don't want themto think they were the ones who could have "saved" me. i can't be saved. i was in "remission" for 20 years but now i can't get it under control. had i not had a near death car accident last year i might have been able to handle it but i just had surgery to remove the hardware in my right leg becausei couldn't walk any longer and it was hurting so bad. docs can be such pricks he was telling me it could be arthritisand i'm like well yeah i might have it in a few years but my god give me a bloody break and not being mr s pessimissstic pants; i neeed your support not your attitude.and get this he didn't even touch my leg or even do an exam just looked at the xrays that the local guy took (they air lifted me to bostn and i should have died from a lacerated liver dammit why whywhywhwywhwy....) and the local guy examined and then took xrays and said its the hardware and you'll feel much better when it comes out but i diddn't put it in and i'm not going to take it out,i'm sorry the city is only 45 min away during non rush hour rush hour yu got yourself a two hour bumper to bumper.


    i was goign to leavea note saying to my family i loved them. i do have an envelope going t my ex tha says if he gets iti'm in heaven taking care of my baby but it desn't have to be a suicide note. i don't want to leavea suicide note because if it gets screwed up again i'll be 5150d or have to be lookedat likea basket case. there are two states here inte the USAwhere its'not against the lawto kill youself and i'm 10 min fromoneof the borders but i dn't livge there s they'd transport me back to my friendlly padded cell and play mind games. there are valid reasns for me leaving and iike i said i was in remission for 20 years. i truly can't do this any longer. i'v been out of the wrk force for 3 years and could have had a treatmentto fix itallalng except i had a car accident and my healthinsurance finally paid for that; i hate to find out what hapens if that all gest outint the legal syem ade wh ses wh;i ccan't takemuch elsei'm spent and likea friend saidshe doesn't know if she could have dne it all like i have i've lived on my own and paid my own billsand don't both anhyone and i just can't d it anymre. i don't even knw ifi cdn getajob t pay the bills and lord knws i can't find the strength fortw bs to cover billsandshorly i have a 2550 car insurance bill due because i crashed a new car cause i blacked out fom pain i believe. i can't go on any onger i have no resourses or strength and my family isn't eh loving type eithe if its not done their way thn you are wrong and pou pay a very nnlving pricetagefr our errors. ifi had afamily who would be there unconditionally i coldn't een stay at my dad's the night before sugery because he is cdntrling and said "that's not pssible" what a rotten thing to do to someone. i'mcanceling allmy doctors apptsand makingthemforthree weeks out because lasttimei OD'd i lasted11 days with no food or water. i have strong enough emdication so it is possible to od on this stff and i didn't need threee bottles...very potent pain medicine that can be cmapcted in small enough pills t cut in half and take with someapplesuace bcause it's bitterand i dont wanttogag and then vomit so i have t holdmy nose and swallw. idid this once two years ago andit was painless andi almostmadeit....they saidi woudl neverhave madeanother night even when ih ad to back tot he er forthe bed sore wound the doctor said"that was you"guess i was the lying dead and why i didn't die i don't know but i didn't akfrthe caraccident and that has bought on a different set of problems that i don't think i can handle. i'veh ad crhonic pain sincei was 24 onething after anothr and the cruel car accident joke wasn't funny and if god could tell me why he did that to meon top of things maybe i could put it into perspective

    to be continued
     
  5. dumdumgurl

    dumdumgurl Well-Known Member

    anyway i thought of lettig my dad bring me to the doctrs and then just saying i lve you daddy thank you for helpig me and giving him a hug but then he might feelguilty he didn't pick up on the signals after the fact. idon't wan anyone to feel guilty and i dont want anyone to know it was a suicide attempt. i wastoldby a knolwedgable doc that the stuff i'mtaking (and it willkill you if you don't vomitit up or screw up smehw he'll even if i vomitand drwnon my own vomitwould befinewith meorif i had to be shut off a ventilatorthat is fine with me or ifthey stopped foodand fluids that's fine with me--see it's allfinewith me) they don't tracethis stuff unless they are looking for it. i don't havea prescription forit and they can check the local pharmacies and see there isn't a prescription for it but maybe they wilcheck fr it anywy but i'm hoping a few days have gone by or if nt right away i will expire--don'twantto have tolinger for days and no NDEswith the caraccident ortheOD which pissesme off because maybe iwould have had an answer).

    yeah part ofmeis scared but maybe as the timedrawersnear it won't be.the car accident people tought i did on purpose but i wouldn't have crossed 5 lanes of potentially moving traffic and then go down a grassy knolland then almost crash into a windo into the side of a brick buildingand hurting someone. i'm not out to hurt anyone i couln'tlive ith mslef and i'm gla and thank god everyday for sparingmethe car accident couldhave beens. i got really lucky there except the assholes airliftedme to the city hospital where i'msure if they waited 5 more min i woujld have been dead.i'mtold your liver has it's own blood supply and they cna't get it into you fast enough so you die cause you bleed out.

    your right i am scared. scared that maybe smething great isgoing to happen but i've waite 44 years and i've be AFRAID my whle life i was the "mommy" at age four to a family of four raising an alcoholic and an immature mom with a sister who was a zombie and acts like she didn't live on the same planet. i'm scared i'm soscared and i dont want to liveonhe streets and idont prostitutemyself out so i can't sell myself to livewith a guy or become a slave to an abusiveman to just be taken care of.that's the sad part,i'm really a decent loving and caring person dep inside like many on the forum, i've had a shitty life that i have tried to turn around and get over. i love it when people say get overthings somethings you just can't okay and i thinksomethinglikexanaxmight help but oh bloody noif a doctorhears you say the b word! lus i have a high tolerance leveland regular doses don't work. this isn'tan od sohopefully itwon'tbezapped out by a moderator (i took 4 mg of xanax anddidn't even nod off to a peaceful sleep i lay awake for 5 hours!) so ifthe doctors wold stop being paranoidanddowhat a patien needsmaybe itwoudltn be sobad and you get people that say "talkto you doctor" andi'mlike yup i'm two yearsold and believeinteh tooth fairyi'veonlymetahandfulofdoctors who dont play god with you and willlistentoyou and what you ned.i not asking tobeon drugsi'dratherbewithoutthembut unfortunately i think some thins outtheremighthelp. i've tried severalantidepresantsandsome with horrible side effectsthat were hideous and NONE of themwork. onepersonwouldn't givem effexorandi'mnotsure ifitwas froma drug OD or my dad is an alcoholic but i'mon itnowand thy wanted to increaseit for he anxiety of the surgery. nowi've ready effexor withdrawals are horrible.i wasonly on75 mg and then i just stopped taking it; maybe i shouldn't have buti didn't notice a diferenceand just putting things in your body fr the sake of haing a doctor happy that you're putting a happy pill down your throat is absurd. i know i canbehelped bu i can't get the help. so i'mgoingto sendemailstothose friends of mineand just causully metnion howthey've been a big help. i sentmy dad an emailand i cand send my sisterone and tell her i'm fineandthank her forh er help without leaving behind a note shying i love you it won't bemiscontrued as asuicide note. see if i get cuaght and get saved i can say the anesthesia wasmking me act weird and if they can't trace anything well then thehy can't prve i OD'd and i would have gotten away with it last time becdause they couldn't trace te two items until i spilt a drink onme atdinnertimeandi just criedandsaid howdid i getthis wy and it cameback tomeand then i letthe catoutof the bagand ishouldn't have i was home free. so i can'tgo leavingnotes around becuase then i can'tkeepthedarn kittty catquietand possible not do time in san quentin if for somereason ican'tpullthisoffand ishouldhn'th aveanyonelookingformefortwoweeksandthtashojuld givemethetimeined.noneofthe medical people could believeimadeit without foodor waterfor11days;guess it's unheaof buti have a strong constituionand i want tojust go up and be under god's protective wingsand have him holdmetightand say i understand you tried and i know you did your bestand i won'tpunish you for coming homeearly.

    iamscaredso anyone who can bea friendand just keep me in thier thoughts and prayers, you'd be true friends to someonewho is worth your efforts; if you only knewme. lasttimei wason auto pilot and just swallowed pillsitwas surreal this timei have to remember to remain calmbecause beforethe caraccident i went to a hotel roomand tried to swallow valim *which someone said woldn't work* buti don't know fror sure buti started vomtiingandi have stuff foranti nascea thati have to takei guesshalf an hour beforeswallowing and then maybe take two more anhour later to help keep the tummy even. it's funny but the anti nascea med was turning up as ativan like subsgtance in my system and i hadn't taken ativan in amonth. so please be a friend and pray for me i can't backout there's nothing to back out into i've thoght of it all and was goign to wait until july but i figured why wait i can't sleep and i am miserable and dont' have a life besides these four walls i'm out of money and i don't have a family who loves me; they lve the way they want to lve. when i OD'd they cme over and got rid of things they thught i shoujd get rid of and dumped things they didn't htink i needed and pretty much messed up my apartment so that even my favorite clothes got shrunk that didn't even need to be washed. an get this... my sister bought out a black teddy to show my father what kind of person would do that what purpose was it to serve humiliateme more eyah it shows her immaturity but they went through all my things and i didn't give them permissionto enter my apartment at will and go through literally every nook and cranny and decide to toss things on me; it's my apartment i was apartment raped. then my sister took a good towel setand used the face cloth as a rag and even wet it and droppedit to the ground and used her dirty sneaker to wipe up mud on the kitchen floor. whatthey did was what they wanted to do not what i needed to do which was maybe just pick up the papers on the floor (coudn't see the floor!) andjust put it in stacks of piles in the corne formeto sift through but they went through all my stuff and i'm a private person. my dad played judge and jury with everything and wasquestioning me about my papers and well dammit it was my house and not his place to go throgh my thingslike that so he had no right to be sentencing me to lifewithout parole. do you know how tht feels aftera failed OD atttempt and they said i was knockingon heaven's door pretty heavily no one thought i'd makeit except my neurologist who's known me for like 20 years who said he was "cautiously" optimistic and i feltliek a shit becausei used the meds he gaveme butthis time i'm not and i lost the pill supply twice and just had it replaced. think i slept walked two nights ago and to protect mei flushed the pills down the toilet and so luckily i got a replacement this friday and will need t use them before again my body goes into protectivemode and i get the job done. i'm not afraid of heavenijust dont want god to be mad at me; although he is forgiving and i saw him when i was a toddlerand he said he was going to heaven to protect all the kids who were afraid adn needed him;well thiskid is afraidshe'svery afraid. andshe would appreciate your loving prayers if you find it in your heart to forgiveme for seeming selfish.... i'm not if i could not do it i woudl it takesmore courage i think to end it then it does to go on because fear keeps you from endingthings. does anyone really get that?
    thanks for being wonderful you guys. you've helped immensely and i've runinto a couple of really fantastic people on this forumand i wish i could stick around and be a positive forcebut i'm a wastedblob force.....
    smilesand hugs from heaven when i get there
    DDG
     
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