How do you trust your choices?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by wonderer, May 17, 2010.

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  1. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    I'm questioning my ability to make decent choices. It seems like everything I try and do ends up going horribly wrong. (The question at the end, after all my life examining crap, is, how do you trust yourself when so many of your choices have had such negative outcomes in the past?)

    I just graduated college, and have no job because I couldn't find time to both complete my senior thesis and look for one at the same time. Ultimately, maybe I shoulda slacked off on my school work to look for work, cuz the grades won't really matter.
    My mom doesn't want me to move back home. She's been emotionally abusive in the past, so this is nothing new, but I can't help but think that if I'd been a better daughter, maybe she'd still want me around.
    My best friend invited me to live with her for a summer a few years back, then decided she never wanted to speak to me again. Over the summer she felt smothered because I was always there. There was no way for me to go anywhere else, since I had no car and didn't know anyone in the area. After we left... I tried to keep in contact but she kept pushing me away. I tried harder, and she decided she never wanted to see or speak to me again. If I'd been a better friend, or just left her alone, maybe she'd have been ok.
    My ex became completely unstable while I was dating him, everything became my fault (according to him), and he was to the point of telling me he wanted to kill himself while we were together. I broke up with him because he was literally blaming all the problems in his life on me and was treating me like crap. There were nights when I asked him to go home and he refused cuz he thought he had a right to stay with me. After we broke up, he told some of my closest friends (my current bf included) intimate details about he and I. He called me on thanksgiving and told me that I'd ruined his life, that I was the scum of the Earth, that there was nothing good about me, and I wasn't in the least bit attractive, that I'd be lucky to find anyone who'd take me because I was such crap. I'm pretty sure he got to a point of telling me he wasn't ok just to screw with my emotions, cuz he'd talk to me, and then go talk to another of our mutual friends and be completely fine, according to them. In Jan. he said he never wanted to speak to me again (but sent that message through a friend), and we didn't talk again until Easter, when he asked me why I hadn't been talking to him, and asked if I'd take him back. Within a day or two of that, he started telling me all the problems in his life were my fault again, I told him he needed to stop that, he wouldn't, so I cut off all contact with him. Can't help but think that if I'd been a better gf none of this would have happened.
    In Jan. he started telling my friends he wanted to emotionally hurt me. Now he's on campus for the summer, I live a short walk away, and I'm scared to death that he'll show up here at some point. He never physically hurt me in the past, but I don't know if that'll hold. My mom and my current bf are both scared for me. If I'd made better choices, I wouldn't have them worried.
    My current bf and I decided we're gonna have to tell my ex at some point that we're together, since my current bf was a mutual friend of both my ex and I, and because he's going to find out eventually. We'd rather know when he does, so that we can be ready to deal with the fallout. Also figure its more fair to my ex that way. We're not going to tell him until after I move this summer, so he won't be able to physically hurt me, but I'm pretty sure he's going to try to emotionally hurt both my bf and I, and possibly himself as well. Possibly himself to get to me. I'm scared for my current bf because he has one more year of school to go, and he's going to run into my ex at some point. And its not fair to him to have to deal with all this, anyhow. If I'd been more observant, or made better choices before dating my ex... maybe this wouldn't be a problem now. Or if I'd had the common sense to turn down my current bf... I really like him, and things are going well, but I shouldn't have someone else potentially in danger. Maybe I SHOULD break up with him, cuz thats the only way I can ensure that he's safe. I don't know.
    And given my track record... I'm obviously not very good at choosing people to be with... Maybe I should just try and be alone, since it seems safer for everyone. The other nagging thought is that if I'd just killed myself 3-4 years ago, rather than checking myself into a hospital, none of this would be an issue.
    I'm also scared this relationship will end as badly as the last one. I have no reason to believe it will, I've known this guy for years and he's always been really good to me, but I had no reason to believe the last one would go that horribly either. And they say that, once you've been in an abusive relationship, you're just going to repeat it.

    My past choices are having negative affects on the people around me. I don't seem to be very good for people. I don't know how to trust my choices now, especially with this whole issue of telling my ex I'm with my bf issue. And this is heavy stuff. There's no room for error.

    How do you trust your choices when so many things have gone so badly in the past?
  2. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Sorry bout the bad luck you've been having with your ex. You definitely don't deserve to hear those hurtful comments he's been making. He seems desperate to me. I hope that guy can mature enough to let you go when you tell him you're seeing someone else.

    As far as choices....that's the dilemma with them. Often times you never really know what the outcome is after a long period of time. You're always going to be making choices in life and part of growing up is having the confidence to make them and living with the consequences both good and bad. The important thing is to think your choices through and making the educated decision. No one can be 100% certain on their choices regarding many issues. It's just a fact of life. If you ever feel your emotions are clouding your judgement, get advice from a trusted friend.

    Sometimes its difficult to trust your choices, but you're going to have to make them. Try to make the educated choice.

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The thing with choices either way bad or good you learn from them so you don't make the wrong choices again. with each wrong choice you learn what the right choice should of been and yes lean on friends and family to help you if you are unsure
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You could go to the police and file a restraining order against him.. Tell them you are in fear of yours and your bf's safety..If he comes near you then he can be arrested..I wouldn't break up with your current BF.. Tell him the whole story and let him decide what he wants to do..You deserve to be happy..
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