How do you try to talk...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheFortuneTeller, Aug 30, 2007.

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  1. This is an odd way for me to start. I have been on other depression forums out there, and a whole story to tell, and it's by pouring out my problems that people read my first post. I think I can last a few more days before I say something about it, if I feel up to it.
    But I will start with questions which kept going through my head while I was reading some of the various posts today. Mostly when I would read and hear a solution like 'talk to someone'.

    How do you try to talk, about Death, with the person closest to you?
    And then moving over to how do you try to talk, about Suicide, with that person closest to you?

    And just to give a slight background, my grandma died sometime back, I've had "suicidal" desires but not attempting or planning, no loved ones to talk with, and the one person closest I've suddenly felt far apart from.
    For that last one, I pretty much don't want to talk to my friend about death because when I did talk about my troubles recently, it almost drove a hard wedge in-between us. I'm damn lucky that I somehow managed to bring us back to some good conversations to hear her laugh. But she's the closest I got to talking to, which brings back the questions to mind.
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    Insignificant Account Closed

    please continue to vent here. we'll listen please, please take care
  3. Today I didn't read anything, that's why I felt like I could write today.

    Every time I want to say something I just tell myself about how useless it is to vent because even if everyone listens or everyone gives some answer, I am still going to be in this state of mind. Last night again I was asking god to let me die in my sleep, that's how I would like to go, peacefully in my sleep when I've completely blanked out. And I usually don't pray at all either. I guess I'm just heavily depressed again. That may be why I didn't go to work for some days, even though those were days that I was not needed for. Funny thing is I wonder about death for 3 days and then I go to work on the fourth and someone says it's a good thing I didn't come, I'd have died with the problems like some facilities being down. And that person is right, if I had gone on any of those days, I'd have been sitting there with almost nothing to do which means I'd zone out and wonder. It's only when I go to work and everything is running smoothly that I seem like there is nothing that wrong with the world.
    This morning, while I was half asleep, I thought about 'a happy place' picturing everything that happens and like nothing wrong can happen, then of course I know that nothing wonderful like that can happen. Then I picture about what I'm going to do in the near future and how will I approach it. Then it hits me again, it's useless for me to think like this and that's the problem. I'm always thinking, asking questions, planning on what to do, picturing how things are, and none of this are even helping but rather stressing me out, which is why I didn't go to work again today.
    And when I stay at home, I look for something to stimulate my brain, so that I won't think anymore. If I'm doing some positive work, even negative work, it help distract. And when that starts to wear out then it's off to find something to watch, which usually doesn't work when my mind starts to drift. Then it's off to play some computer games which lasts as long as I feel like playing, and then back to some work. I don't find cleaning and arranging my home to work at all anymore, it just gets me thinking, wondering about the what ifs and what coulds and what I should have done, and the likes.
    I have to really exhaust my self before I feel like sleeping, because even if I try to sleep, I think. And then I think of ways to stop thinking, and then the suicidal thoughts kick in again. And again, unlike thinking about a happy place, I run scenarios of death with what would run through my mind and how it would feel like and what would my reactions be when at the point of no return.
    And what has it been? 5 years, 6? I'm starting to lose track of how long I've been miserable like this. I think it was over 5 years ago when I first, almost did, felt like throwing myself out the window 6 floors high and that was because I felt betrayed but mostly felt unloved. Well done, I pushed myself back in, stayed in a corner with tears, pretty lucky. Well I don't feel lucky when I keep running the picture of 'if I had' done so over and over. That thought hurts much more than any other. Even now I ran it, and I just feel like knocking myself out just to feel a little relief.

    I don't want a reply. I literally just want someone to come and tap on my shoulder and say let's do something interesting like a game. And then everything would seem alright again.
    But I'm going to settle for a drink and a video game, and maybe a nap.
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