How does it work?

[GeminiStar]

I have a question for those of you with a partner/spouse: How does it work? Like, how did you attract them/how did they attract you?

I've never been considered attractive before. Any time i try to meet new people, they don't even acknowledge i exist. And on the rare chance they do, they just look down on me. Even when a miracle happens and they actually talk to me, something horrible goes wrong. So far I've had: a girl turning hostile for no reason and turning an entire group of friends against me, a girl turning me down after realising she was gay, only to brag about having a new boyfriend not even a week later, and so many times I've been led on and ghosted once they got bored of me.

Being alone is pure misery, yet I've seemingly missed a vital piece of meeting and attracting people that everyone else seems to have gotten. I'm the only person i know who's alone. I'm a complete miserable failure of a human being. And i don't understand where it all went so wrong that I'd end up such a failure when everyone else i know had no trouble succeeding. I just dont understand!

 

[may71]

I'm the only person i know who's alone. I'm a complete miserable failure of a human being

You're not the only person who is alone, and being alone doesn't make you a failure as human being.

Some things are going to come easily for some people, and they're going to be difficult for others. What you've got doesn't make you a success or failure. Doing the best that you can for yourself and others under the circumstances your dealing with is the best that can be expected from anyone.

Learning some flirting skills and putting yourself in situations where you can meet someone could help you a lot. Also, something like online dating might be worth a try.

 

[GeminiStar]

By everyone I know, I mean literally every last friend and family member I have, and even remote acquaintances. And if being alone doesn't make me a failure, I wish you could tell that to them, because they all sure as hell disagree.

I've tried online dating for years too. Sadly, no matter how good things seem to be going, every single time they just ghost me when they find someone better or get bored of me. It happens no matter what my approach is, what we're talking about, how often we talk, so I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I guess I'm just not attractive enough.

 

[may71]

And if being alone doesn't make me a failure, I wish you could tell that to them, because they all sure as hell disagree

The popular notion of success and failure revolves around superficial things. It's just the product of a shallow perspective.

I've tried online dating for years too

Online dating tends to be a harder for men

I guess I'm just not attractive enough

If you actually get the the stage of meeting them or showing them a picture, physical appearance is probably not the obstacle. If you are able to work out what the problem is, you may be able to overcome it.

It might have something to do with social skills, or it could be that you are meeting people who are not a good match for you.

 

[GeminiStar]

The popular notion of success and failure revolves around superficial things. It's just the product of a shallow perspective.


Online dating tends to be a harder for men


If you actually get the the stage of meeting them or showing them a picture, physical appearance is probably not the obstacle. If you are able to work out what the problem is, you may be able to overcome it.

It might have something to do with social skills, or it could be that you are meeting people who are not a good match for you.

I can say that it has happened multiple times where I've hit it off perfectly with people, and the moment they saw my appearance, they suddenly stopped treating me like a human, let alone the friend they'd spent weeks happily chatting to. I dunno whether or not that's worse than just being led on like I've been so many times in the past.

And boy, don't I know it. It's not just online either, any form of dating or making friends is infinitely harder for a guy, especially an ugly loser like me.

 

[may71]

especially an ugly loser like me

Please don't say bad things about yourself. If people aren't reacting well to you, the fault is with them, not you.

I can say that it has happened multiple times where I've hit it off perfectly with people, and the moment they saw my appearance, they suddenly stopped treating me like a human, let alone the friend they'd spent weeks happily chatting to

If someone is not going to talk to you because of your appearance, they're not someone worth knowing.

Maybe if you are communicating online with dating prospects, you can show them a photo early on, so that you don't invest time with the wrong people.

It could be that you're just feeling insecure about your looks, so at the very least if you show them a photo, it could put you at ease.

 

[GeminiStar]

Please don't say bad things about yourself. If people aren't reacting well to you, the fault is with them, not you.


If someone is not going to talk to you because of your appearance, they're not someone worth knowing.

Maybe if you are communicating online with dating prospects, you can show them a photo early on, so that you don't invest time with the wrong people.

It could be that you're just feeling insecure about your looks, so at the very least if you show them a photo, it could put you at ease.

I have. The dating site i primarily use requires a photo. As a result, i get no likes or messages. Dating sites dont want people to find love anyway. They get revenue from having you subscribe, so they prey on desperate lonely people like me. (Not me personally, i'm not subscribed to their premium bullshit)

It doesn't matter if "the fault is with them" or "they're not worth knowing" because I'm the one who gets punished with loneliness and ostracism. There's simply no-one out there who'd want me, no matter how much I look.

 

[may71]

It's possible to live a life you find worthwhile without being in a romantic relationship.

 

[GeminiStar]

Not for me. Nothing else makes me feel any joy or hope at all.

 

[may71]

There are other people who don't have romantic relationships, some even deliberately, and they are able to find life worth living. I don't know if you could learn to be like them, but maybe.

There's simply no-one out there who'd want me, no matter how much I look

I think there's about 7 billion people in the world. Not all of them are eligible singles that you'd be interested in, but there's still a lot.

Just because you haven't found someone so far doesn't mean that it's impossible.

 

[JulieDegraw]

You're not the only person who is alone, and being alone doesn't make you a failure as human being.

Some things are going to come easily for some people, and they're going to be difficult for others. What you've got doesn't make you a success or failure. Doing the best that you can for yourself and others under the circumstances your dealing with is the best that can be expected from anyone.

Learning some flirting skills and putting yourself in situations where you can meet someone could help you a lot. Also, something like online dating might be worth a try.

Very well said

 

[Winter Blues]

I have a question for those of you with a partner/spouse: How does it work? Like, how did you attract them/how did they attract you?

I've never been considered attractive before. Any time i try to meet new people, they don't even acknowledge i exist. And on the rare chance they do, they just look down on me. Even when a miracle happens and they actually talk to me, something horrible goes wrong. So far I've had: a girl turning hostile for no reason and turning an entire group of friends against me, a girl turning me down after realising she was gay, only to brag about having a new boyfriend not even a week later, and so many times I've been led on and ghosted once they got bored of me.

Being alone is pure misery, yet I've seemingly missed a vital piece of meeting and attracting people that everyone else seems to have gotten. I'm the only person i know who's alone. I'm a complete miserable failure of a human being. And i don't understand where it all went so wrong that I'd end up such a failure when everyone else i know had no trouble succeeding. I just dont understand!

Hi GeminiStar, to put it blunty you've met some really shit girls .. who don’t deserve the time of day and certainly don’t deserve you. Have more faith in yourself. You will meet someone when you least expect it and it will possibly be someone you see in the daily grind of each day. Please don’t let your past experiences colour your view. You sound a fantastic person and in the meantime try to enjoy life. If you give off positive vibes people will be attracted to you. Keep talking on this site though .. there are a lot of people who will support you. Hugs xx

 

[GeminiStar]

Hi GeminiStar, to put it blunty you've met some really shit girls .. who don’t deserve the time of day and certainly don’t deserve you. Have more faith in yourself. You will meet someone when you least expect it and it will possibly be someone you see in the daily grind of each day. Please don’t let your past experiences colour your view. You sound a fantastic person and in the meantime try to enjoy life. If you give off positive vibes people will be attracted to you. Keep talking on this site though .. there are a lot of people who will support you. Hugs xx

People say I'm a good person and that I have good qualities. I just wish single women could see it rather than write me off immediately. It's hard to give off "positive vibes" when I have nothing to be positive about, and in fact any positivity I've shown in the past was routinely punished.

 

[Walker]

This is the thing, eh. Looks only get you so far in dating. You think you're losing out because of the way you look but (no offense to anyone) people who have been burned up in terrible car accidents or have *literally* no limbs are out there dating. So I'm pretty sure dating has more to do than surface shit, you know? Folks are always going to look only skin deep and others are always going to look more into you, that's just how it is. Given your age you're at a good time for people to shed that relationship with just looking for a hot guy with a nice car and cash. Women are more into stability, a good father for some kids she might want to have and you treating her well. There's a definitely switch in the mid to late 20s.

YOU have to shit out some confidence somewhere.. and learn to talk to women. Just talk to people, man. Tell people they look good. Tell someone she is attractive. You don't have to do it with the intention of hitting on her but just to TALK to people. It's hard at first. Don't be creepy! Hold the door for someone and tell her she looks nice. Don't eyeball her and shit lol Just be casual. Once you talk to women well I bet your confidence goes up a little and you're more in the game. Good luck.

 

[GeminiStar]

Funny. Any time I've complimented a girl, they've immediately branded me a creep. Even something as simple as "you look nice" or "you have a lovely smile" is trwated like a horrible insult when it comes from me, the wrong kind of guy.

 

[JulieDegraw]

Funny. Any time I've complimented a girl, they've immediately branded me a creep. Even something as simple as "you look nice" or "you have a lovely smile" is trwated like a horrible insult when it comes from me, the wrong kind of guy.

Or it could be "the time" everyone seems to be offended about the smallest things or scream HARASSMENT.

 

[JulieDegraw]

but just to TALK to people. It's hard at first. Don't be creepy! Hold the door for someone and tell her she looks nice. Don't eyeball her and shit lol

This made me laugh

 

[may71]

Funny. Any time I've complimented a girl, they've immediately branded me a creep. Even something as simple as "you look nice" or "you have a lovely smile" is trwated like a horrible insult when it comes from me, the wrong kind of guy

I think if you introduce yourself this way, it may come off as being a pick-up line.

It might be better to hold off on making compliments until you know someone a little better.

What Walkerbait said made me think about looking in the right places. Older single women or single mothers might be more concerned about LTR potential more than looks.

 

[GeminiStar]

Or it could be "the time" everyone seems to be offended about the smallest things or scream HARASSMENT.

That's the way the world works now, sadly.

I think if you introduce yourself this way, it may come off as being a pick-up line.

It might be better to hold off on making compliments until you know someone a little better.

What Walkerbait said made me think about looking in the right places. Older single women or single mothers might be more concerned about LTR potential more than looks.

That was just an example. Even saying hello to them gets the same hostile reaction. No matter who I look for or where I look.