How does one get though life without companionship?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by josephMerrick, Jul 26, 2010.

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  1. josephMerrick

    josephMerrick Member

    It's not a philosophical question, rather a serious one - how does one go through life without anyone loving him back? At my age, having had no success with women, I feel like its too late. I can't simply walk up to someone and ask her out. That skill should have been developed twenty years ago.

    How exactly am I supposed to move one when people younger than me are having kids and the like? People are already talking about me like I'm a freak and i think they're right.

    I just feel so un-deserving of anything good in life. People who simply have looks and nothing else get everything they want and I'm so ugly that my only option is to buy love. Everyone I know says I'm really nice but no woman wants to be with me or even be seen with me.

    I just tried this weekend to go out with this girl I met online and when she saw me in real life, she almost puked. The "date" was over in 20 minutes.

    Just venting... thanks for listening.
  2. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate to you in that I didn't either develop any skills with women when I was young, in fact most often I'm petrified just talking to one.
    I've had one girlfriend in my life but that turned out to be a living hell and just the thought that someone could actually care for me seems impossible.

    You shouldn't feel undeserving because you think you are ugly, that's just a low self-esteem speaking. The real truth is looks don't matter that much, especially women are not that fixated on it. It is mostly men who care about it, women care much more about meeting a guy that makes them feel secure and good.

    And remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, while you may think you are ugly the reality is quite often different. Low self-esteem will twist and pervert the image of yourself. Just keep trying and don't let anyone tell you you're ugly, if they do they don't deserve your time or effort. Maybe you could start a new social hobby like dancing or something? Sometimes small things can do wonders.
  3. coffeekitten

    coffeekitten Active Member

    hey, i am sorry you are feeling so down. both men and woman can be shallow but not everyone is. I have had acne since i was 12 and i have never had a problem finding guys who were interested in me. They always said they could trust me and that i was sweet, i've even had a guy who liked me i had to turn down because i was already dating someone. I've always felt ugly, but the men i've been with always told me i was beautiful to them. love is in the eye of the beholder, that sounds really cheesey i know but it's true, certainly for me. i Want a guy who will care for me and always be there for me, not some really good looking guy who is an asshole, that does nothing for me, the attitude will put me off 100%.

    you will find the right girl who loves you for you, and plus i bet you're not ugly anyway, bad self esteem is the problem here.

    about the social skills thing, I am very bad with people too, and i met most of my bf's online. I am so shy, i would never have the courage to go up to a guy and ask him out.

    remember never let anyone tell you you're not good enough, there is someone out there for you :)

    hope i helped a bit, pm me if you ever wanna chat :)
  4. Kina

    Kina Member

    Remember that those people who strive to bring us down, are usually projecting their own insecurities. It's widely known fact but not so commonly implemented. With that said, I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. I think it's safe to say you are not alone in your thought process. I have definitely been there, too.

    A lot of the things pressuring us to look good, be attractive are individuals and companies that have an entirely other agenda - To sell(you something). So consider where it's coming from, the next time you feel that pressure to be attractive. What does someone have to gain by telling you you look bad, or need to look better? A company wants to sell you their product. Someone wants you to act a particular way. Someone needs an ego boost. Someone feels like crap and needs someone else to feel like crap right along with them. Beauty can be a marketing ploy that was foolishly buy into.

    I'll disagree and say that it is not mostly men who are fixated on looks. I think we're all visual creatures by nature, perhaps men more so than women. But a man wants to feel good and secure by the woman he is with, too. Not just have some eye candy on his arm. Looks may get someone's foot in the door, but then what? Substance. Substance. You cannot get by in life with any ONE thing, and if you try you're going to be very unfulfilled. Whether it's physical attractiveness, money, etc. There needs to be a balance. Confidence is at least equal in terms of attractiveness.

    How can you feel confident when you feel alienated and shot down? You create a base not by your physical beauty but of the things that contribute to the person that you are. Makeup for the soul, I guess. Do things that enhance your natural inner beauty. Examine your hobbies, your interests. What do you tend to gravitate to most? Your strengths - Are you a good listener? Do you love animals? Do you make a wicked lasagna? Play up that which you know, you're comfortable with. This helps you build a base, which in turns helps you gain the confidence to go out there and try something new. Maybe not right away, maybe not even for awhile. That's ok. It's never too late. My grandmother's friend didn't marry for the first time until she was 68. You hear about it all the time. And hey, I am totally liable to keep a man who makes a good lasagna over one with a 6pack. ;)
  5. Frequency

    Frequency Member

    I'm wondering the same thing.
    So far my answer has been "One day at a time". I have pretty severe social anxiety and do not socialize outside of work, so finding a woman in a conventional way doesn't seem realistic.
    Unless I place a personal ad, maybe: "Fat, unattractive SA-sufferer in his thirties seek ditto woman for long evenings of awkward silence". :laugh:

    I also feel strongly that I have nothing to offer a partner, so I foresee dying alone, really. :rip:
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi, I think we all feel that what we dont have will make us happy. I know a guy who is extremely handsome and woman fall all over him and he is very unhappy and depressed and takes that for granted. We dont know what will make us happy usually. We always think its the thing we dont have that will make us happy,but it might not be. Happiness comes from within. Why not cultivate a balenced life and find other interests and relationships will come naturally.

    Also I joined a 12 step group years ago and met many great women.They get to hear you talk and know the real you. I had many opportunities for relationships ,but I just wasnt ready.But there were many chances. You will have this happen to you to. Because people get to see who you really are and they will like you for that!!!!

    Write if you like,

  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :irony: Sorry I had to pull that one out. Because you are asking a question that you have been doing for a while.

    :grr: I can completely relate, though I am younger than you. On another forum a guy said to me "What you are doing is not working. It is time to try something new." I mean there are books out there that talk about the psychology of attracting a mate. I mean you are at the bottom, why not try something new?
  8. CloudCatching

    CloudCatching Well-Known Member

    It's explained in two words, "Hedgehog's dilemma".

    Humans require companionship. The need and want to feel close to another being is not only reasonable, but just as you breathe air, we hurt one another. Consciously, subconsciously- Whatever it may be, and it will always be like that. Those sorts of contact, or lack thereof, draw human's farther apart and you'll be left with just numero uno.

    My suggestion is work on some sort of social tact. Obtain some suave mannerisms, since I lack a better term. I've never been very successful with my social tact, but believe me when I say confidence brings a man a very long way. Looks aren't everything, and not everyone is that shallow.
  9. josephMerrick

    josephMerrick Member

    First off, thanks for the replies everyone.

    I know that my self esteem is non existent. But i find it tough to keep up. I mean, i look in the mirror and can't see a good looking person. I've always felt that way, I guess but at my age now, it's getting worse.

    I know I'm supposed to get past the whole societal notion of beauty and shouldn't buy into the myth but I can't shake it. Being called ugly in school translated to me not even asking out a girl in college and now, at my late age, I'm completely in the dark.

    I know physical appearance shouldn't trump a great personality but I've been overlooked many times. It's not that I can't be friendly but that's all I get to be - friends. I'm a nice guy to a fault and I hate myself for that. I so desparetely want to be one of the "bad boys".

    It's not that I've been on many dates and can't find the "one" - I've rarely been on dates. Also, I'm a virgin and while being 40 and having had no intimacy with a woman makes for a great movie, my life isn't hollywood. It's very real. I'm past my mid 30's now and if I'm still a virgin at 40, it won't be funny.

    I'm getting angry at myself as I write this. I'm sorry. As I said before, everyones replies and advice are truly, truly appreciated.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2010
  10. josephMerrick

    josephMerrick Member

    I'm sorry but I didn't quite get the irony. Are you saying that I've advocated trying something new (either here or other forums) while not doing so myself? Because I don't remember doing so. Please don't take my comment to be sarcastic or anything like that - I'm truly at a loss here and I do appreciate your reply.

    As for trying something new - when one lacks self esteem and confidence, two of the top three things a person wants (in my opinion, physical appearance rounds out the top three) in a potential mate, that's far easier said than done.
  11. josephMerrick

    josephMerrick Member

    your "personal ad" made me smile. :)
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I was just saying you are asking how you go through life without a companion. Yet you have been doing that for most of your life.

    I know I am younger than you. However, like you I never dated in college nor do I have any idea what a date is. I am not a virgin, however, I screwed up a good thing royally.

    If you do not have confidence fake it. To be honest I am not sure how I feel about pickup books myself. All I know is that a lot of them have been around for years. Torrents are a wonderful thing friend.

    Why do you lack confidence? What about you is ugly? Truth be told most men are pretty ugly. The ones who are not generally look like women. If you feel you are too fat, go to the gym. Going to the gym will help you feel better. If you feel your appearance is ugly, change it. Buy some nice clothes. You have to be willing to give up something to earn something. You can do it friend. It just takes work.
  13. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    That is great advice.
    Start hitting the gym, get someone to make you a workout plan and start eating healthy. There are several benefits of having a good body, most notably perhaps that you'll look more attractive to women but it goes deeper than that. Getting in shape hugely boosts your confidence, ever heard of "sound body, sound mind"? Exercise actually produces dopamin in your body that makes you feel good and lessens depression and anxiety.
  14. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    I've a thread explaining my current situation, so won't bore anyone with further explanation. Suffice it to say I'm feeling similar, though in the opposite situation.

    Life becomes more bearable with love, it's why so many people end up 'settling', remain in abusive relationships or actually find the 'one'. I'm a cynic, I don't believe in fate or the 1 true love. But there are roughly 6 billion people on earth, half of them male, half female (obviously!). With those figures, I always feel marginally more optimistic about any persons chance of finding someone to love/be loved by.

    Some of it's confidence that when it happens, it'll happen. Maybe confidence that others can see past the superficial and appeal to character. I have dated interesting people previously, radically different in looks (I don't have a 'type') but all substantial in character (even if it's negative).

    Trust that it can happen, and it's just a case of patience and hoping to find someone who will love you. I've spent more time single then not, and it's hard and lonely, but it can get better.

    If you need any advice, don't hesitate to contact me, PM or other contact! I'm here to help!
  15. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I have never even tried for a relationship and don't expect I ever will. I just know it will end in failure, I am just too much of a god-damned loser for anybody at all. I wish I would permanently kill this desire and just be happy. I need to just say that I will always be single and to just deal with it and be happy with it. I just need to be content and at peace. If I can't ever get it, why waste time languishing over it and making myself more miserable than I already am? There's many other things I can never get and I don't worry about them. I guess its because I still have this tiny speck of hope that hasn't been completely extinguished yet. Do I even need a relationship or is my environment just telling me this?

    I just need to not even think about it, not even care, not give a flying fuck about girls. I'm not good enough for them, too fucking bad. I'll just be happy being single my whole life, despite the pressure from my stupid fucking culture to one day get married and have kids, this stupid fucking society that demands I at least get a girlfriend or else I'm totally ostracized, my own stupid internal fucking desires and biological needs, etc. If I can't ever get it, I need to just stop thinking about it. I don't want to fight over this and think there's still hope. I just want to make it as simple as possible and kill all hope of ever finding anybody and make it easy for me. I wish I could also say that about other things, like just being able to take my life without any inhibitions.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2010
  16. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Rahul. I also haven't been in a serious relationship yet with a girl, but I have a really close friend who I confide in and she confides in me too. Having a relationship like that really helps when you need someone to talk to. I think you are being too hard on yourself. If I remember correctly, you come from an Indian background and you're expected to get married eventually. I'm sure there are many girls who would love to be with a guy like you. You seem like a decent guy. :hug:
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