How else to escape from your own mind?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Neon, Dec 11, 2015.

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  1. Neon

    Neon New Member

    Spoiler in the title. Just so you know where I'm going with this long dissertation.

    Before I was decidedly suicidal, back when I was just considering and "kicking the tires" so to speak, I always told myself, if circumstances become unbearable, I can always grab my toothbrush and a change of clothes and start walking to another city or another continent where everything will be fresh and I can start over.

    This romantic notion kept me going through some dark, dark times. I could always start over with a new life.

    But over the years, the problems ceased to be circumstantial. Gone (or insignificant) were the tangible problems of money, career, embarrassment, obligation, and all the other things that can be fixed by running away. Instead, to my horror, they were replaced with the inescapable, self-imposed tortures of guilt, self-loathing, and worst of all, the chilling realization that I have been, and still am, wrong about everything I've dedicated my life to.

    There is no running away from these demons. Whether I'm in New York City or Cairo or an island in the South Pacific or the Moon, these things won't go away.

    And that brings us to the appeal of suicide. When the problem is yourself, the only way to escape yourself is to KILL yourself.

    I know what you're probably thinking: there are ways of fixing the problem, of mitigating, or even erasing these self-imposed tortures. An attitude readjustment. A new outlook on life. Or the more cynical ones amongst us might say one needs to learn how to cope, manage, endure these things.

    To that I say simply: no.

    As long as these problems persist (as long as I am what I am), the pain will increase as it has for years and years. The pain does not go away; at best I can numb it with pills or distractions such as pain of a more tangible sort. But like trying to bail a sinking boat with a hole in the bottom, it is all pointless except to prolong the inevitable in a very agonizing way.

    Have I missed something? How else can one scape oneself?
    2 people like this.
  2. Neon

    Neon New Member

    I alerted the only 2 people in the world who could help me, I thought. They were unable.
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Neon, You are not escaping with or by Suicide, I have read what you have said, You are right they will not go away, those problems are yours, I know how they can torture you, I too know how it is to be lonesome, I as well thought I could run away, but I learned I could not run away from myself, neither can you but you have found this out also. There are things that you can do, I do not know why you are in this depression, this depression that clouds your judgement that numbs your sense or feel an makes everything you see dark or black, You can face it head on and confront those feelings, this Forum and the people here can help you with that, we are caring we will not and do not judge anyone. the only ones judgement you have to deal with in here are or is yours we will try to help you we will try to support and offer you help and be here to listen to you and try and help you deal with the obstacles that you are facing! I am not saying there is anything magical here, there is if you wish to face those obstacles hard work ahead, Everyone here has been where you are some in here are in the same spot you are now in . Most of the battle ahead will be on you, we will be here to help and try to help you see with clearer Vision the way that you have to go! Please do not give up before you give us and yourself a chance, We don't know what you are facing only you do, we are here to Help you! and we will, please talk to some people in here and read some of the forums, give us and yourself that chance! What do you have to lose by waiting?
  4. Neon

    Neon New Member

    Thank you for your caring response, True-Lee.

    The reason why I feel it is hopeless is because the pain has been unbearable for 5 years. In those 5 years I have sought every form of assistance, tried every therapy and every coping strategy imaginable. They are all just band aids for a gushing wound.

    In the past year, my forms of self-imposed punishment have gotten increasingly violent. I have not yet attempted suicide because I have the means to do it without fail. But the need for escape from pain is driving me to that singular end.

    The problem is my mind. As you said, we cannot run away from ourselves. Neither can we change our nature. So every minute of the day I am subjected to the worst torture, and every day I invent terrible new ways, mental and physical, to inflict "justice" on myself.

    5 years ago, horrifying as it was, I thought I might be able to escape this. But now, some 1800 hellish days and 1800 hellish nights later, I see it has only been getting worse. Like a prisoner being tortured in unspeakable ways every day, I must escape the pain the only way I know how.
  5. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I have to ask what are your self imposed forms of punishment, and why are you punishing yourself for? I will understand if you don't or cannot answer. but if you do not want to do it publicly that I too understand what have you done that you have imposed torture on your self? and to do it for 5 years? I hope you do answer but I will not push you, I am trying to consider others that might fall into the same trap as you or that already might have and possibly escaped. I find it hard to believe that you have or are experiencing a new condition that no one else has been through or contracted before, I may be wrong, you may be unique, still helping you, to not attempt to harm yourself or end your life with out trying to convince you there is more to life, and you can be helped is not in my nature
    I hope that you stay and keep talking, if not to me to others! You have just begun to live, I believe that you are in pain, I know that pain, I know it well, I had a head start on you, I was 40 years old when you were born! I have know loneliness, fear and all of the other afflictions, I know sleepless nights and days not for years but decades, I am not saying mine is worse, I am saying I know what you are going through, I cannot measure your pain I know what you mean when you say it is unbearable. Please stay and keep coming here even if just for a little while, talk to others here, Please try, you have everything to gain if what you say is true, even if you just feel a little help, it is better then what you are feeling now in your depression! No one here is going to judge you or turn away from you! We are here to help and to support you to try and make your life better and worthwhile!
    What ever you decide, I wish you the best, I hope you take life it is the right choice the other is an ending!!
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Neon and welcome to the forum. I have been where you are at now. I was in a relationship I didn't want to be in but because I have attachment issues I couldn't just leave, I had an ongoing case with the law regarding rape and sexual abuse, life was torture for me. I tried to kill myself and ended up in a coma on a life support machine, it was my most serious attempt but not my only one. I felt like wow I can't even kill myself. But life got better, I got therapy and some heavy medications. I know you say you have tried everything but think back have you really tried everything. From someone who almost died (I was on a ventilator, I couldn't breathe for myself) please let me tell you that things CAN get better. Seek the appropriate help and you will get there. If you are unsure of what to do next, google is your friend too, search different types of therapies and things you could be doing to get better. I wish you the best of luck and please remember suicide should never be considered an option.
  7. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Neon -

    As someone who has traveled the world in an ultimately futile attempt to outrun my demons, I can certainly empathize with your pain.

    Maybe one day brain transplants will be the norm. I think that might be the only sure way to kill The Monster inside our own minds.
  8. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    hello Neon, and welcome. I've read and re-read your initial post several times now. it captures better than i could ever articulate everything that i have been feeling for years -- decades really -- but perhaps never really understood until i saw your post. like you, none of the "traditional" methods had any meaningful impact . . . i went through the motions of a variety of therapy options, and took the drugs that the doctors prescribed. none of those were ever effective. there were, at most, only very brief glimmers of hope, but they didn't last because, at the end of the day, i still could not escape from myself. i found similar, momentary relief in self-medication, but again, i always came back to me. and now, i am at the end and there is no more hope for me . . . i have a few weeks to get through the holidays with my kids, and then i will do what i must do . . .

    but you, Neon, are different. you are much too intelligent and thoughtful to let yourself be overwhelmed by these feelings. you have managed to come to a perfect understanding of what it is that drives you to these darkest depths. you have learned that "managing" and "coping" are not options, and that all of the therapies and drugs address only the symptoms. you know the root problem, and you know that those traditional therapies do not effectively "cure" the cause . . . but Neon, surely you also know that you are capable of overcoming this. you dismiss the idea of changing your nature out of hand and without explanation. why? why can't you adjust your perspective toward yourself? i know what it is to hate yourself, to punish yourself every minute of every day. but i know that you can change . . . it's scary and it's hard work and certainly, it is not something you can simply flip a switch and be better tomorrow. i suspect that you are much more gracious to others -- i suspect that you give the people you care about an endless number of "free passes" when they make mistakes. you MUST begin to accept that you are a human being and as such, you learn and grown and exist by making mistakes and advancing beyond them. you allow everyone but yourself the opportunity to do just that. you have to give yourself that same chance. you have to learn to celebrate yourself -- not just for successes, but for failures and mistakes, because those are the things that make each of us strong, great, successful.

    i know that you will dismiss everything i am telling you as just so much trite crap -- i would do the same thing. but please consider the possibility that there is some measure of truth buried within the clich├ęs. accept this from someone who is very much like you, who has spent decades trying to figure "it" out, who had an epiphany in these last days of my life because of what you wrote . . . i can see that there is a path -- a very difficult one -- through the self-loathing and self-inflicted torture. it requires only that you treat yourself the way that you would treat someone you care about . . . and trust me, i know that the concept of "caring about" yourself is a very difficult one to comprehend. it will take lots of practice and a level of consciousness and "being in the moment" that you know you possess. please, Neon, people like you are in very short supply in this world. it needs you. badly.
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