How f---ed up can I be? I've been banned!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Clipper, Nov 15, 2007.

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  1. Clipper

    Clipper Guest

    Just delightful...I've just been banned from the chat room.

    How sick is that?
    I'm too f---ed up to be on a friggin' forum for depressed people.

    There truly is NO place for me in this world.

    Well, my hearse awaits....
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Clipper, I understand you were banned from chat this morning for sharing methods.
    May I remind you of the rules.....
    You most definitely are NOT too f**ked up to be on this forum and you can still access the forum to seek support & I urge you to do that.

  3. Clipper

    Clipper Guest

    With all due respect, Hazel, I thought I was doing that person a favor. He was threatening to blow his brains out and I said don't do it, it's too messy. I pointed out to him that with the particular weapon he mentioned, he wouldn't even be able to reach the trigger.

    I did not mention a specific method, I told him to Google the name of a person. Granted it's a name associated with a "clean and painless" way to do it, but it's not a specific method.

    Anyway, reading your post, I can see why you banned me. In a PM I begged Abacus' forgiveness, promising to "be good," and asked for reinstatement.

    On the other hand, perhaps you should just ban me permanently. I have already pissed off many people and stepped on innumerable toes in this virtual place, and I've posted a grand total of...what...ten times, over two months? Discovered the chat room tonight (couldn't sign on there before for some reason) and lasted there, all of five minutes.

    I'm beginning to think that my blatant and irreverent style makes me a little too much of a "loose cannon" for this forum....hell, I'm WAY beyond "beginning" to think's fairly obvious by now, despite your kind and encouraging words.

    As to those words, (and I think I can speak for many of us here)...intellect tells me that you have designed such kind words and platitudes to be comforting. But viscerally, they seem so disingenuous...such words are spewed into the ether by those around us mainly because they don't know what else to do...they don't know any better than we, how to improve our "condition," and feel as helpless as WE do. They are doing what they feel they can.

    But they are not trained to deal with it, as doctors are...and even for doctors, improving our "condition" is a crap shoot...a guessing game, at best.

    And I suppose that "normal" people would, indeed, find such kind words to be comforting. But those among us here know the hollowness and emptiness that such words make us feel; worse, that is. MUCH worse. And with repetition, more and more alienated from the world. We just seem to be incapable of any sort of tender feeling, other than maybe an intuitive thankfulness to those who have "hung in there" for us for so long. (Tempered, of course, by the visceral guilt and self-contempt of knowing that we are wasting their precious time; using them to attempt to fill a "hole" inside ourselves that will *never* be filled.)

    Anyway, the whole reason I came here tonight was that I was feeling very lonely, VERY lonely...everyone in my life was off doing something else this evening. Normal, happy things.

    I, on the other hand, am utterly alone...even the people who have "been there" for me all along have pretty well given up on me...except for the paid ones, of course...the psychiatrist and the psychologist. I can't say I blame them...who wants to deal with a constantly morose and gloomy personality? Even my family doctor (who *used* to be a personal friend...I used to drive his boat for him) has given up on me...he now avoids my calls.

    My conjecture is that a place like this is a "last stop," so to speak; I think that people who just don't fit anywhere else come here looking for comfort.

    I suppose that for some, many in fact, just knowing that there's "someone out there" who has felt what they feel, who "understands what they're going through," is enough to quell the pain, and partially fill the void, if only for awhile.

    Not so for me. If nothing else, being here has been a learning experience...for me, NOTHING stops the pain. The "disease" progresses unabated...The loneliness...the alienation...tonight was REALLY bad, and coming here was another exercise in selfishness and futility. Rest assured, I do not intend to repeat it.

    So I thank you for your time; I'm sorry to have wasted it.
    I clearly have nothing to offer this forum; I feel only guilt about both what I have already "offered" to it, and taken from it.

    But the fact is, my commitments are fewer and "connectedness" to the world at large is diminishing daily...almost hourly...and my time is near...I can feel it in my gut. My "method" dwells in my garage, waiting, with great anticipation, to fulfill it's very reason for being...waiting for that glorious day when my intuition will overpower my "survival instinct..." and I will have the courage to perform the inevitable....

    As I said, my hearse awaits...with morbid anticipation.... :wink:
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    You're not alone in being alone - pardon the cliche. There are other suicide sites. I've been to Take This Life please, another suicide forum. They are pro life as well.
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Let's take this for what it is. Hazel is doing what she can to make others and herself comfortable with where they are at right now. No different than what you are doing. I came here 6 days ago intent on killing myself. What has happened? Nothing really earth shaking.. I am still going to take my life, but being here has given me the strength to make better plans so that I won't survive third try. And you know what, it was comments (maybe hollow and said for purley selfish reasons) that helped me to find that extra kick in the ass so to speak. And I am guilty too. I spend my remaining time spewing out words to others. Yes it makes me feel better about myself knowing that maybe I got across to one person and got them to take even a small step to recovery or at least to hope. I do not want anyone else to have to suffer this Hell I have been living. And if my experiences can help some one else then great. If not, my words are offered and they can do with them what they want. I offer you the same choice.
  6. klintmad

    klintmad Active Member

    Clipper, I understand you. You are banned because of fouls. that is also life. when you make irregularities then you will be punihed. So get up. Change and everything will be okay. This forum will help you but cooperate.


    [ How to protect yourself form depression and sucidal?]
    My stuff that really works, just read it.
    thank you

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