How far the fall... *trigger*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by jameslyons, Dec 9, 2008.

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  1. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Well...I suck as a person when it comes to not cutting myself.

    I thought the day was going well, then at 9:30 PST I took out my razor and for the first time cut a superficial line horizontally on the left side of my neck! This was followed by a series of cuts along my torso--also for the first time, as I usually just cut over the scars on my wrist. Then it was the thighs, the arms, and my lower legs.

    Over all I cut 49 times with some cuts going over 8 inches!

    The most fucked up thing about it was that I was happy to see how marred my body looked after the cut. The majority of cuts are really superficial with a few clear scaring wounds. Overall I cut six times in my neck--the most superficial ones, but Christ.

    I was really upset about it afterwards--I took a shower and it burned like hell, too. Then I filled the tub with water, soap, and Listerine mouth wash and lay in the clear water for 40 minutes or so. The pool was deep auburn brown by the time I left. I left the bath, dabbed 8 tons of toilet paper on the bleeding wounds, waited 15 minutes for the cuts to coagulate and went back to my room. God knows what my flatmates would think if they saw me.

    I decided that today I have to go see a counselor for an emergency meeting. I was terrified that the self-destructive behavior would continue after the depression started to recede...it'll do anything to get its foot in the door.

    Then wondering why I cut so freely, I started to make a checklist to help me when talking to the counselor and surprise surprise....a really strong molestation flashback/mental emphasis came to the forefront of my mind and assaulted me for a while. I'm not much for leaving responsibility to others, but I'm pretty sure my subconscious was trying to circumvent that flashback as I only , used to only, cut when trying to stop the suicide compulsion.

    Ironically, as I looked at the wounds on my body I decided that I look pretty slim/fit naked. :)

    Anyhow, just a sad update.
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Sorry you are having such a rough day. Flashbacks are a terrible thing, I also find it hard to endure them without turning to self-harm. Did you make that call to the counselor?
     
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