How frequent is too frequent (in getting suicidal ideas) to be effective?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by IWonder, Nov 22, 2012.

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  1. IWonder

    IWonder Member

    Hi everyone! I joined here yesterday, and not completely sure if this is the right section for my question here, but here goes.

    I'm a 29 year old woman. Been having depression since I was 13, with anxiety issues and (now resolved) eating disorder. Been getting more and more suicidal since I was 14-15, peaked in my mid twenties with an attempt which resulted in me getting hospitalized, and first put on medication for depression. Suicidal ideas fluctuated with varying severity, with many near-attempts. Since about a year, I have been seeing a psychologist and off medication, and I think I have been progressing since then. I know you can't expect a change overnight. From feeling suicidal every moment of everyday, I know it will take a while before they disappear or decrease enough occur only with a very low frequency; but I feel the frequency of getting suicidal episodes is gradually becoming less.

    I have been unemployed for several months now, mainly for the intention of getting my act together and getting better. I'm trying to get employed again now, but they ask questions like 'are you sure you are able to safely and effectively do this job?'. The job is one where I deal with the lives of other people, and I am always surrounded with items which I can easily use to harm myself. My question is - how frequent is too frequent in getting suicidal ideas to be genuinely effective and safe in this job? My suicidal ideas are sometimes active, mostly passive. I had an active episode about 1 1/2 months ago, then a passive one 4 days ago and then again yesterday. I'm unlikely to really harm myself when I'm only passively suicidal, but I can be less effective in my job. I don't want to put other people's lives at increased risk.

    This frequency is a lot less than what it used to be. I know it will take time for it to become even less or hopefully completely disappear. But my current lifestyle of being unemployed and associated severe social isolation is a hindrance to me getting better. It's a vicious cycle. My family, although I guess mean well at heart, have no clue or practice in how to be emotionally available and supportive. I'm too proud to reach out to any of my old friends, because apart from a few bad experiences associated with trying to do so, I don't want them to see me all vulnerable like this. I am so very, very lonely these days. I haven't spoken a word from my mouth in over 24 hours (not sure if my vocal cords even work anymore)! This lifestyle is unhealthy, but I feel like I have no one to turn to. Like I said, although I physically live with my family, no one really talks to each other, they basically have NO IDEA how to emotionally connect to people; I'm also in the process of learning this as part of my therapy.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i think if you are having just suicidal ideation um then that is just thought hun Many of us have those thoughts but don't act on them I think getting back to work actually will help you It will keep your mind busy and it will connect you socially to people If and when the thoughts become more then you talk to someone ok. YOu and your therapist can make a plan together on how to get back to work and how to keep safe there. I went back to work because work keeps my mind from other things Hugs to you
     
  3. IWonder

    IWonder Member

    Thanks for the reply. But when I say 'active' I don't mean just suicidal thoughts. During the episode 1 1/2 months ago I took some definite concrete steps on doing it, and stopped only one step away (I can't say more due to site policies).
     
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