How has it come to this AGAIN?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by princessofelegance, Jan 17, 2012.

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  1. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    So here I am, 5 Years of mental illness possibly longer.... actually probably longer I don't remember a time when I felt any different. I feel like i'm 100 years old. I feel old physically and mentally. Like I've seen enough life for a thousand people let alone me, been through some hideous things. I had a mind-game player as a father, a chaotic mother, homeless at 15, met a guy who treated me in unspeakable ways, i've lived in 7 different houses in the last 5 years soon to be 8 different houses. I'm so sick of moving, I haven't had a "home" since I was a child. As it currently stands, I am yet again seriously thinking about suicide. Like literally thinking about how im going to do it, I feel so alone, I have family and friends but how can I possibly tell someone I love that I don't want to be here anymore and watch the pain over their face, to me that's not okay and practically torturing them. I geninely believe that if I did tell them, they wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyway. I wish my own personal hell would stop because I have completely had enough- I really wish the tiniest part of me that wants to keep on fighting would just go, so I could get it over with. I find myself constantly trying to destroy that tiny part of me. Just smash it to peices so I can leave whatever you call my existence and be at peace.
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're in such pain and feel desperate.

    I'm glad you're here. The part of you that's holding on knows there is a solution.

    I don't know what it is, or I'd tell you. It probably won't be easy

    But you've got a caring community of individuals, that offer you encouragement and support.

    Why not stick around here for a while, and keep posting?
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    your suicide would torture your friends and family far more than telling them that you feel suicidal.

    is there a reliable family member that you trust that you could stay with that might be able to help?

    talking more about what you went through might help, maybe with a therapist

    maybe follow the link below
  4. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    Thankyou for both replying, My charger for my laptop broke and I couldn't reply. I've been speaking to my nurse, and she's been supporting me.
    I'm not feeling any better, but i'm really hoping it's going to stop, all these feelings and thoughts. I guess im just going to keep posting on here and hope
    that things get better soon.
    I'm just so physically tired all the time, I hope this gets better. I'm so tired.
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I know how you feel, I feel like I've been here for centuries and just really old and worn out. Sorry to hear that you've dealt with so much in life. It can be hard to deal with but that doesn't mean you should give up the fight. You say it's hard to talk to people about this, but you can talk to us. We will just listen and try to help and not pass judgment. I hope you will keep posting and that you will start to feel better soon. :hug:
  6. Hewwy

    Hewwy Banned Member

    Tbh i cant claim to understand what you have been through or how that must of had an impact upon you, but I do know how it feels to have these kinds of thoughts. I struggle with talking to any of my family about my depression and have never told them how far I have got to completing the act, nor do I think I ever would. Not that I am claiming this is the best option for you, just that's how I feel, I too would not want to see the pain on my mothers face if i told her i am so unhappy with life i want it to end. I have however told my counsellors and therapists, I find it much easier to speak to professionals, and even though its difficult to say how much help that has been, part of me feels its a good thing I was able to tell someone face to face.

    I found the chatroom to be very helpful to take my mind off things, currently I just game to do that but it does help to talk to people you know have probably had the same feelings as you at one point. People here are very helpful and comforting.

    I have a great deal of free time and possibly the best use for it is to help others, to that extent I offer you my time, if you need someone to talk to or feel you have a problem you cannot solve, sometimes it helps to speak to someone with a rational perspective, the mind has ways of focusing on a single solution and committing to it so much that you may not see alternatives.

    I sincerely hope things get better for you,

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