So here I am, 5 Years of mental illness possibly longer.... actually probably longer I don't remember a time when I felt any different. I feel like i'm 100 years old. I feel old physically and mentally. Like I've seen enough life for a thousand people let alone me, been through some hideous things. I had a mind-game player as a father, a chaotic mother, homeless at 15, met a guy who treated me in unspeakable ways, i've lived in 7 different houses in the last 5 years soon to be 8 different houses. I'm so sick of moving, I haven't had a "home" since I was a child. As it currently stands, I am yet again seriously thinking about suicide. Like literally thinking about how im going to do it, I feel so alone, I have family and friends but how can I possibly tell someone I love that I don't want to be here anymore and watch the pain over their face, to me that's not okay and practically torturing them. I geninely believe that if I did tell them, they wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyway. I wish my own personal hell would stop because I have completely had enough- I really wish the tiniest part of me that wants to keep on fighting would just go, so I could get it over with. I find myself constantly trying to destroy that tiny part of me. Just smash it to peices so I can leave whatever you call my existence and be at peace.