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how has rape affected you?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by wheresmysheep, Sep 12, 2008.

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  1. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    I have found after my 2 attacks that when ever the subject comes up(on tv in a new novel/film etc) I have to face it head on and sit through the hole thing. it shakes me every time, but unless i'm on my own, i keep it all bottled up and just watch.
    I have adverse problems with sex, but not in the 'normal' manner, I find i need to have sex to have power now.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I know this will sound strange..I was raped when I was 14 and it never affected me. I didn't get flashbacks or feelings of guilt or lack of self worth because of it(like most people do). Im amazed at myself by how strong I am. It's just like it happened, it was over and I have barely thought about it again. :dunno:
  3. lavendR23

    lavendR23 Active Member

    i wasnt raped but i was molested.
    i was habitually molested by my brother (he would fondle me in my sleep) and when i ran away from home i was picked up by a guy who fondled me and threatened to beat me to death if i didnt stop fighting him. i fought and he pushed me out of the car and drove off.

    i never told my parents about my brother until much later because he ended up in jail not long after (drugs, theft) and i didnt believe they would do anything anyway (probably wouldnt have) and i still havent told them about the second guy.

    i also consider myself to have been "psychologically" molested by my mother. my father is not very responsive to anyones emotions and at 8 my mother began to use me as a psychologist / spouse. there was nothing sexual about it but it was emotionally invasive. she also physically(hitting) and verbally abused me. many times i was paradoxically her golden child as well as a "self-centered, cold hearted, one side spoiled brat that didn't love anyone"

    i have found that i dont want men touching me, i have profound anger issues which i attribute having to pretend there was nothing wrong (even years later when i saw my brother again and had to pretend being fine at Christmas) and feeling like there was never anyone to protect me especially when everyone seemed to be either attacking me or ignoring me.
    i cry almost every day (especially in light of this mysogynistic government that wants to force rape women to have rapists babies - when i was molested by the guy in the car, if he had raped me i would have gotten pregnant so im very sensitive to that)

    basically i walk around alone with a deep sense of injustice, knowing ill never be loved (because i dont think anyone really loves), i dont trust men. often i resent them because most of them dont have to know what its like and get women to take care of them, get paid more and on top of it want to take the world back to when women had no rights. i dont ever want to get married or have children and i anticipate spending the rest of my life getting lonelier and darker.

    i know this is all very morbid but its my honest answer.
    some people think "oh you were just molested (not raped)
    but i feel it every day
  4. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    This rings very true for me also. very true to me...
    No its not morbid, I have been molested by a family member, and i just feel like it hasn't effected me as much as the rape. but I understnad where your coming from.
  5. lavendR23

    lavendR23 Active Member

    there are alot of others things that contributed i guess.
    my school was full of abusive idiots. i was always told i was fat and ugly (when i guess i wasnt--but i still dont think im attractive)
    so its hard to tell what caused what.

    i try to exercise away the anger ( not that it shows :) )
    most of the time that works but today it didnt.

    i think about dying alot and often say " i hope i die soon"
    but i cant picture myself committing suicide and i dont know why.
  6. it has affected me alot...

    my dad raped me many nights and then had two strangers rape me...

    it has changed me so much..i have major trust problems with guys..its still hard for me to hear the word rape or see it on tv...it took me a while to have sex and still now with my boyfriend who i have been with for a yr an half it still sometimes feels strange for me..i need to tell myself that its real and he really does love me..and that its ok to have it feel good...

    never thought of sex feeling good because everytime it happened i preteded i wasnt there...

    now sex is just difficult for me in general..and its hard to cope..if he does something a certain way it freaks me out and brings me into tears and i just feel bad for him...
  7. KirstyMissJimBob

    KirstyMissJimBob Well-Known Member

    i went out with a guy, and we were doing the deed and it hurt so i asked him to stop, he kept going, so i said no stop it hurts, he kept goin so i slapped him and pushed him off me.
    I wasnt sure if that was rape but people have said it was so yeah that hasnt affected me.

    But i dont i think i just pushed it aside and carried on my merry way.
  8. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    since i got raped 2 years ago and had a break down every so often i get severe depression, cant leave the house and work dont care, they say just get over it even tho they know what happned and they say that if i cant work mabie i shouldnt work for them.
    I've also had panic attacks, had one on my tea break at work today, was outside having a ciggi with mates and really started panicing and had to run inside, thought I was going to die. Sometimes i just cant handle being in groups, it scares the shit out of me.
  9. Believe

    Believe Well-Known Member

    I would not call what happened to me "rape" in the strictest sense, but I was sexually assaulted (the specifics are too complicated to even get into).

    How and when it affects me appears to be completely random. I can end up drunk at a bar and go home with a guy with no interference whatsoever, but something little like someone asking if I want to see a male strip show (with agressive male strippers) with them makes me absolutely panic, because I'm afraid they'll touch me. I never know when it's going to pop up - sometimes it even happens without the company of men and when I'm amongst my friends.
  10. Avalanche

    Avalanche Member

    I was r*ped many times during my childhood and I had not realised how much it had affected me until trying to be in a 'normal' relationship.

    I find it hard to open up to people, to trust people, to let anyone touch me unexpectedly, I feel a deep sense of being worthless, dirty, unlovable and just generally hate myself.

    The hardest thing has been that I push people away that I care about. I want to love people and be in a relationship, however just freak out too much for it to be possible.

    I think about it all the time, it was more than half my life and I feel like I need to just put it behind me and move on, but I don't know how to. I know it's pathetic, I shouldn't let it get to me now, but yeah, it does affect me quite a lot.
  11. The memories play in my head like a movie and once I get a flashback it seems they are there for ages, all I can see is it happening again and it's like I go blind and I someone pulled the screen over my eyes.

    It's hard and I lose myself.
  12. Avalanche

    Avalanche Member

    Yes, I have the same thing happen and I lose myself too :sad:
    Sorry you are going through the same thing.

    I just realised that you can't delete posts here...
    I feel stressed that I have posted things that I don't usually talk about.

    I should install a breathalyzer on my computer I think :unsure:
  13. Atheist Demon

    Atheist Demon Account Closed

    I don't know anyone who was rape, but I was sexual molested when I was 11.

    To me any type of abuse is wrong, when I was molested, I felt it was my fault and since it was by a high school guy, it made me question my sexuality.
  14. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I have nightmares, i can't get over it no matter how hard i try. Whenever i walk down the street i'm terrified he'll come up behind me, i knew him and he knows where i live so everytime the doorbell goes i'm scared. It's ruined me emotionally. :(
  15. Nicki

    Nicki Active Member

    I have found that before i was raped that i could and used to make love...Know its mad me mentally hard and i can have sex without any feelings,,Sad i now but very true...

    But everybody is different...I do also find that with my current boyfriend i do find that i feel more sexy when i'm in control of things in the bedroom department.. So i know in a way where you are coming from.
  16. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    I know exactly where you're coming from, I was molested by an older guy (30) at the same age and with the same consequences, I also started dating much later than my friends.
  17. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    It was like I was violated to the very core of my being. When the thought of the times I was raped comes to mind, it brings me to the very edge of an emotional black abyss that I cannot easily pull away from. The very will to live was stripped from me.

    The flashbacks come in visions, emotions even in sensations - each one devastating and as if I were having to relive it. Night is the worst - nightmares and insomnia.

    I am left feeling like the lowest form of garbage when it was the rapists that were the garbage - not me.

    I have learned to move through life without feeling for to feel would be more than anyone could handle.

    Trust is something I am only now beginning to experiment with. Yet, I developed the ability to read others and repond to them without ever connecting. I put on a smile, act the part that is expected of me, achieve without ever connecting.

    When triggered, I remove myself from the situation mentally and it is as if I am watching myself functioning - like going on autopilot.

    I live a life of fear masked behind perfectionism and achievement.

    I was abused from the time I was 3, being raped for the first time when I was 6. Over the years I have been re-vicitimized many times because I never learned to protect myself or that I was even worth protecting.

    Rape and incestuous abuse are the same as emotional murder.
  18. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    I was sexually abused in my recent abusive relationship with an older boy. The memories don't play back as much but I have re-occuring nightmares about him raping me, stalking me.. so much that I currently have really bad insomnia, depression and severe anxiety.

    I can't go down the street without thinking of it - at times bursting into tears.

    It was such a life changing experience for me.

    And most of all, which some people may not have, but I certainly do, is anger. Anger for the person who did it. I mean so angry you want to go out and kill them.
  19. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug: I know what you mean. But I realised this yesterday in my flat when I was going through something very different rather than my 'kill me, i want to die' songs (it was "i want to kill you die die die die"), it's so much better to envision killing them and voice that, rather than hurting yourself you know? I've been hurting and killing myself for so long I did nearly die myself.
  20. jessikah2k8

    jessikah2k8 Well-Known Member

    I thought I was seriously the only one because it's the least associated emotion TV programmes etc display. If I see him in the street I'm frightened I'd cause him serious harm. I've told this to my counselor and she said she wouldn't worry about it due to my high levels of anxiety and having panic attacks if I even so much as see somebody in the same jeans he had.

    But seriously, I walk down the street and his friends scream "scumbag" at me or "slut" because he told them a completely different story.

    I want to go and beat him up so badly, just beat him and beat him until he begs to be let back up. Then HE will know what it's like to be the vulnerable one.
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