How HE ruined me..

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by brittanne, Feb 29, 2012.

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  1. brittanne

    brittanne New Member

    I was a happy girl.. I was very involved in church and loved working with kids. I laughed and had a smile that everyone said was contagious. After my senior year of high school, that summer, I began dating a guy that was in marching band with me as a sophomore. He was soooo cute, though he was the quiet shy type and never said much. I had to keep him a secret from my family, cause I am white.. and he was black. For weeks we would meet up at the park and hang out with all of our friends.. we laughed, played volleyball, and cracked jokes on people. Our relationship was perfect and I thought it would last forever.. or so it seemed.
    "Josh" was an abuser, both emotionally and physically. It all began with being called a bitch or a *****.. then turned worse. I could do the smallest thing wrong, and in a split second my face would be on fire from the burning slap left across my face. I could just not hear a statement (I tend to have selective hearing), and you would think I've committed a felony. But for some reason, I stuck around..
    One day I felt horrible for lying to my family, so I confronted them with the truth just hoping they'd accept it. Well, just 3 days after having my first car (a Mercedes) and two weeks before college would begin - I was kicked out and told to make it on my own. So after that, I was bouncing around from house to house just tryin my best to stay off the streets. Josh wouldn't tell his mother, he was afraid she would "be mad."
    To make a long story short.. I ended up pregnant and was beaten the whole time. I went hungry for days at a time and worked my ass off tryin to get things ready for my child.. josh did nothing. He sat around, smoked weed.. cheated on me. Left me alone. Called me every name in the book and tortured me. Finally one day, three weeks after our son was born.. he busted my head open. I was pouring blood and didn't know what to do.. so I ran as fast as I could out the door to the nearest place I could get to. Which was a gas station down the road. The cashier called the police and Josh was charged with aggravated assault and false imprisonment.
    Since then I've been battling depression and suicide. He got off free with a diversion and continues to haunt me. Idk how to get rid of his memory. Idk how to stop cryin and waking up at night screaming. I'm really afraid I'm going to take my life soon.. he beat me daily and nearly killed me atleast 4 times. He ever ran over my legs once. Held knives to my throat and guns to my head. He cheated on me with my best friends. How could someone so amazing at first turn so ugly?? I don't understand what I did. I was a faithful and honest girl.. and I loved him. I don't know how I could have deserved this torture and pain. And I'm afraid I'll never get over it. :'( I'm trying so hard to be strong for my son.. but its hard when I've feared death for the last two years of my life. I just don't want to die. But I'm afraid I'll be my own killer.
  2. ifeelalone

    ifeelalone New Member

    Your kid needs you don't kill yourself
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Brittane. I'm sad to hear what has happened to you. You survived, which means you are strong - perhaps stronger than you "feel" you are. :hug:

    You did nothing wrong. You did not cause this man's behavior. He has anger issues and does not respect women. Please, DO NOT blame yourself. We have a forum here for Abuse, and you might find it helpful to read a bit about abusers and how they operate. Sometimes they do start off nice and then become some horrible monster, and it's a surprise to everyone. But it's the abuser who causes the problems, not the person/people they abuse.

    Have you contacted any organizations for abused women? They often have counselors on hand, or they might refer you to others in the community - ones that specialize in helping battered women regain their sense of self and get back on their feet. It might be an idea to see what local abused women's orgs can offer you. Also, you could get counseling through your family doctor or a referral from the doctor.

    You are worth so much more than the way this man treated you. I hope you will seek some professional help as well as keep posting here. You and your son have a special relationship and that's something to live for. Please stay safe.
  4. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Member

    Hang on in there! You have a Son who loves you and you love him too - and you both need each other!
    None of this is your doing - don't let that evil ex partner of yours do this to you.
    You gave him your unconditional love and there is a special man out there for you who is just waiting for you! Don't you dare give up otherwise your ex will have won - and no one wants that for you! xx
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