I apologize because this question has probably been asked a LOT, but there's no good way to search for it on a site like this. I have felt suicidal fairly consistently for 20 years. Even if I'm not actively suicidal, I become self-destructive. I have had a plan in place for over a decade. I also have a back-up plan and a back-up to the back-up. I have been in therapy for the past four years or so. I've had a number of different therapists because of staff changes and whatnot, and if they ask about suicidal thoughts, I always deny it vehemently. The reason for this is because when I was 15, I expressed suicidal ideation in my first appointment with a doctor, and even though I wasn't in any immediate danger, they locked me in a room and told my parents everything I said. I understand why they did that, but they didn't know or understand my parents, and that was the absolute worst thing to do. There's more to this story, but my household was very emotionally abusive and this made it worse. My mother is dead and my father and I haven't spoken in 12 years, but I am still TERRIFIED even to hint that I would consider such a thing. My life has become a LOT worse lately due to physical illness, pain, and other unfortunate circumstances, and I made the mistake recently of telling my therapist that I'd rather not be alive. She keeps pushing the issue and I have a complete meltdown every time. Anyway, I'm not in imminent danger, even though I do have a plan. I guess I am just curious to see if anyone else is too afraid to say anything to their mental health practitioners.