no matter how hard i try the ultimate end to any goal i have is pain. i recent had almost one week of not being suicidal, i thought i was in the clear, but thats just fucking with me. im sick of it all, i suppose i should make a list of my reasons to die. here it is 1:in constant pain every damn day 2:life feels like a chore 3:my emotion control me >_> 4:i don't have the will power men should have so i am an insult to both genders 5:Girls hate me....or atleast where i live 6:I came so close to being a fucking murderer once 7:i can only be happy when i masturbate or eat 8:im like 5'9 and over 220 lbs 9:i can't acert myself if my life depended on it 10:my whole existence is a joke 11:I been lied to my whole life(it doesn't get better later) 12:i attempted before and when i saw the light i wanted to be a part of it 13:no body seems to know what to do with me 14:i have trouble getting to sleep 15:my school is wasting my time cause i don't feel like i am learning anything there(im smart enough anyway >_>) 16:I can't trust anymore 17:no girl will ever love me, not even if i paid her 18:i lost every fight(physical ones btw) i ever been in(i always fought clean) 19pl step on me and im powerless to anything about it 20:im a failure 21:i wouldn't be able to get anywhere if i beat up the people that cause me pain if i could 22:I am anything but an embodiment of the point of life 23:I am weak physically 24:i can't get in shape(i tried) 25:i hate life 26:it wouldn't matter if i died now, no one would miss me 27:i can't fend for myself(im 16 but idc) concerned about the murderer thing? simple, it was my goddamn little brother. The one i wished for for months and months when i was a happy small child.He got me super angry over a goddamn video game(yes i know im pathetic) and i almost chocked the life outta him. I know im a horrible person, i guess i should suffer for eternity for that one slip up >_> the only fucking difference between me and Adolf Hitler was drug use, if Adolf didn't use drugs he wouldn't of became one of the worst men in history. I read somewhere it was speed that he was one, dunno tho. Yet i have nightmares of becoming like Adolf Hitler........ the point of life was so easy to figure out, i didn't even try and it came to me, the point of life is to win, which is the polar opposite of me. When u look at life and how it comes to be, there is no other answer. You are put in a constant battle and the point is to win. Even when u are born u beat millions of opponents to this terrible place. most of my life has been about suffering and unjustified cruelty directed at me.i know i am not meant to live, even at other times, besides trying to kill my brother, there have been times where i have become a slave to my primal instincts. like the time i beat up that 5 year old in the park(i was 6 and he was kicking sand in my brother's(barely 3 years old at the time) face). another time was when i was chasing a kid for stealing something from me. it was after school and my parents where no where to be found(i was 9 and wasn't patient x.x) i was chasing him and he turned a corner and wait for me to arrive, i got to the corner and he pushed me into the street. i was too hurt to get up and there was a speeding car arriving, then some Blond teacher from my grade school saw i was about to die and she yanked me out of the street and walked me home. i saw the car collide an empty car. i saw it as an outward manifestation of my competence. I knew, i was nothing from that point on, and i was right. how the hell can i go on?