how i can i not be meant to die???

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shifter, May 3, 2009.

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  1. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    no matter how hard i try the ultimate end to any goal i have is pain. i recent had almost one week of not being suicidal, i thought i was in the clear, but thats just fucking with me. im sick of it all, i suppose i should make a list of my reasons to die. here it is

    1:in constant pain every damn day
    2:life feels like a chore
    3:my emotion control me >_>
    4:i don't have the will power men should have so i am an insult to both genders
    5:Girls hate me....or atleast where i live
    6:I came so close to being a fucking murderer once
    7:i can only be happy when i masturbate or eat
    8:im like 5'9 and over 220 lbs
    9:i can't acert myself if my life depended on it
    10:my whole existence is a joke
    11:I been lied to my whole life(it doesn't get better later)
    12:i attempted before and when i saw the light i wanted to be a part of it
    13:no body seems to know what to do with me
    14:i have trouble getting to sleep
    15:my school is wasting my time cause i don't feel like i am learning anything there(im smart enough anyway >_>)
    16:I can't trust anymore
    17:no girl will ever love me, not even if i paid her
    18:i lost every fight(physical ones btw) i ever been in(i always fought clean)
    19:ppl step on me and im powerless to anything about it
    20:im a failure
    21:i wouldn't be able to get anywhere if i beat up the people that cause me pain if i could
    22:I am anything but an embodiment of the point of life
    23:I am weak physically
    24:i can't get in shape(i tried)
    25:i hate life
    26:it wouldn't matter if i died now, no one would miss me
    27:i can't fend for myself(im 16 but idc)

    concerned about the murderer thing? simple, it was my goddamn little brother. The one i wished for for months and months when i was a happy small child.He got me super angry over a goddamn video game(yes i know im pathetic) and i almost chocked the life outta him. I know im a horrible person, i guess i should suffer for eternity for that one slip up >_> the only fucking difference between me and Adolf Hitler was drug use, if Adolf didn't use drugs he wouldn't of became one of the worst men in history. I read somewhere it was speed that he was one, dunno tho. Yet i have nightmares of becoming like Adolf Hitler........

    the point of life was so easy to figure out, i didn't even try and it came to me, the point of life is to win, which is the polar opposite of me. When u look at life and how it comes to be, there is no other answer. You are put in a constant battle and the point is to win. Even when u are born u beat millions of opponents to this terrible place. most of my life has been about suffering and unjustified cruelty directed at me.i know i am not meant to live, even at other times, besides trying to kill my brother, there have been times where i have become a slave to my primal instincts. like the time i beat up that 5 year old in the park(i was 6 and he was kicking sand in my brother's(barely 3 years old at the time) face). another time was when i was chasing a kid for stealing something from me. it was after school and my parents where no where to be found(i was 9 and wasn't patient x.x) i was chasing him and he turned a corner and wait for me to arrive, i got to the corner and he pushed me into the street. i was too hurt to get up and there was a speeding car arriving, then some Blond teacher from my grade school saw i was about to die and she yanked me out of the street and walked me home. i saw the car collide an empty car. i saw it as an outward manifestation of my competence. I knew, i was nothing from that point on, and i was right.

    how the hell can i go on?
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    "i can only be happy when i masturbate or eat..."

    You're definitely not alone there, buddy!

  3. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I could relate to almost everything on your list when I was 16. By the way, I'm 54 now!

    You are not too young to try and get some therapy. I have nieces and nephews your age who are getting professional help and it's working, esp. with one 17 yr. old nephew who is dealing with many of the same issues.

    You are not a failure! You've just started your life and "failure" is an event, not a person.

    My best years were between 18-35. Obviously as I'm at this site I still have plenty of issues to work on and I've made some good friends here.

    I'm a little disturbed by your mention of violence, which is why I suggested therapy. Violence will get you nowhere...and you could get badly hurt or hurt someone else. I'm sure you don't want to spend any time in jail.

    Maybe you could try chat, if you haven't already and talk to some people there, making some new contacts with whom you can exchange private messages. Most are open to it. You can send me a pm anytime, I'll respond.

    I understand what you're getting at about the constant battle of life in general...and in some repects you're right. But work hard and give yourself a chance!
  4. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    how is it(therapy) gonna work this time? i think last time it went it made me angrier. cause this was way before i almost killed my little brother >_>.....i geuss im barely sane since i fantasize about decapitating people who cause me pain and lots of gory stuff and get kicks out of it...........
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    How old were you the first time you tried therapy? As we get older and have more life experience, we have more to open up about. I mean, I really don't think it would do you any harm considering you're fantasizing about decapitation.

    I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just making suggestions. Check into therapy one more time, be honest and tell them what you're thinking. See a doctor for a blood workup to see if there is any kind of chemical imbalance for which you may need some meds. There's nothing wrong with that...I think at least half of us here, maybe much more from what I've read have tried at least a couple different types of medication.

    You are not meant to die. But you may have to live with some kind of psychological or medical assistance.
  6. Shifter

    Shifter Well-Known Member

    i was like 9 maybe 10. made me worse, and i think i need both
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