How I destroyed my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by moviemagic, Nov 28, 2007.

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  1. moviemagic

    moviemagic Member

    For the past three months I have been lying to everyone I know.

    Everything started in the summer when I finally broke down and told my parents I have depression. My parents set me up with a psychologist. However, this was the very end of the summer and I only had three sessions with the psychologist before I went back to school for my senior year of college. I chose to leave my case open in case I wanted to set up an appointment again. I told my parents I was fine with going back to school and that I thought it would be good for me. The whole summer I basically did nothing as I thought it was my last summer before I would be off into the "real world" and that I should just have fun and not get a job. Of course that was a stupid decision, but by the end of the summer I was happy that school would finally give me something to do. I felt that being back in school I would feel more of a part of the world and I could meet new friends and have fun.

    When I got to school everything started out fine. I went to all my classes and was enjoying them. I started going to the movies with these two people on weekends and I felt like I had made some new friends. Then somewhere along the line I missed a class. Then that one class turned to two and then suddenly I found this feeling of hopelessness take over me and that I had already failed so why bother going to any classes. I missed more and more classes until I just stopped going to any altogether. I also stopped calling the two people to go to the movies on the weekend. They didn't call me either. So I found myself all alone.

    Fast forward to last week, thanksgiving break. I go home to my family. I put on as much of a fake smile as I can when the subject of school comes up. I lie about doing well in classes and having friends when in reality I sit in my room all day and communicate as little as possible with other people. I have a good weekend and my family enjoys having me home although beneath the surface I am also a wreck as I have just spent a week of more lies, hiding in the truth of my situation.

    So now I am back at school after my thanksgiving break at home. By now my case has been closed by my psychologist and he has reported that all is well with me because I never contacted him before the date he would close the case. My school id card has been shut off so I can no longer get any food at school with my card. I can't even get into my dorm building as it requires card access. I just wait for other people to let me in. So now I am cut off from anything but my room which is where I usually am anyway. The semester is almost over and I will have to go home in a couple weeks when it ends. I can't keep lying for long after that. I have not registered for next semester and so I cannot come back to school. Also my parents will wonder about my grades for this semester and I won't be able to show them any. I do not have a job. I even applied for one at my school a month ago but then ended up not taking the job I was offered. That was a mistake. Now I have to rely on the money I do have on me if I want to eat any food. I still have maybe three cans of soda left, but no food. My money will run out soon enough and then I will have to starve myself.

    I have boxed myself into a corner. It is all MY fault. I have wasted parents money that went into this semester at college. I have wasted my own time here by not going to classes. I have lied to my whole family. I can never repair these damages I have caused. These are things I have done that are permanent. My family will never forget what I have done when they find out. It is only a matter of when and how they find out now. I am too much of a coward to tell them myself or else I would have long ago. I am selfish for what I have done. My original plan was to kill myself months ago, but I didn't do it. The funny thing is now that I am at my worst place I can't kill myself the way I had originally planned. I don't really have any objects to kill myself with right now. If you read this ridiculously long post then thank you and I will take any advice or comments that I can get.
  2. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    I've been in a very similar situation....lied to my parents a lot, stopped going to classes, missed exams and basically cocked everything up (I was suffering from depression at the time too).

    Obviously my parents found would have been better if I would have just told them though.

    I'm sure your parents love you and want what's best for you. I think you should explain to them what has been going on and make it clear that you didnt tell them because you were embarassed and didnt want to disappoint them. Tell them that you need help and support with this....I think sorting out for yourself to go back to see a psychologist would go a long way with that too.

    Is there any way you can go back to school to repeat what you have missed out on?

    I dont think killing yourself is the way to go. I know you probably feel that you have let your parents down but they will forgive you (mine did) and they will eventually understand and I'm sure they want to help you. You have your whole life ahead of you and yes, you've made some mistakes but you can move on, learn from them and still do something with your life. You can repair the damage....I've learnt that family is always there for you. I think the main problem was that you kind of got yourself into a rut that you just couldnt get out of....but it can be fixed!

    If you want to pm me feel free....I'm sure getting it all out will help. :hug:

    Wishing you all the best ~X~
  3. Zero00

    Zero00 Member

    I am in the same situation right now. It is my fourth year of college and I haven't been to class in weeks because I've been suffering from intense depressive episodes. I'm not technically a senior yet because I dropped so many classes last semester and this semester is not looking good either. I also don't have a job and live off my parent's money. It is not the greatest feeling.

    The important thing to remember is that school is not more important than your LIFE. Even if you feel like you are letting your parents down you have to find a way to lessen your stress. If that means withdrawing this semester or whatever then just do it because you can go back and finish later.. Trust me. Don't kill yourself over this. It happens to a lot of people.

    I went to the school counseling people today and a nice lady said she'll help me get set up with a 2 week depression program at the hospital over winter break. I would check and see if your school has mental health services. Don't be embarrassed. It might really help you. In the meantime talk to your teachers if you think you still have a shot at passing. Try to concentrate and salvage any classes you could still pass. See if you can drop the most difficult ones to lighten the load on yourself. Call your friends even if you haven't spoken in a while. It couldn't hurt. I had lost touch with some people too but they were glad to hear from me now that I'm out of isolation.

    It really does not have to be the end of your life. There could be something amazing waiting for you right around the corner if you're brave enough to look. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. Things don't always turn out the way you plan them. And there's no shame in being a super senior! Better late than never, right?
  4. moviemagic

    moviemagic Member

    I should clarify a few things. Basically I am not supposed to be in my school right now. I have been dropped from my classes by my professors at this point. This and the fact that I have not registered for another semester are the reasons my school id card has been shut off and I can no longer get meals. I do have friends back home (I go to school out of state), but I have been lying to them too. I always feel depressed which is why I stopped going to classes in the first place. I just gave up. I don't ever really feel happy. Even when I should be happy I have thoughts in the back of my mind telling me all the reasons I shouldn't be happy. I now am in a bad situation, but it won't end with the resolution of this problem. I will still be depressed no matter what. I can barely talk to people anymore. Some friends even joke around that I never talk not knowing that the reason is that I get too depressed to ever say anything. I think too much. Then I tell myself anything I say will come out wrong or that it isn't worth saying. I always feel down about everything including the whole idea of going to school at this point. I'm obsessed with movies and want a career involving that, but what good is a life of creating lies for everyone to waste time watching on a screen for two hours. I just feel like my life is pointless and we all die in the end anyway so why not choose when and how?
  5. kevin118

    kevin118 Member

    I screwed up 2 or 3 semesters at college being depressed. I failed one class so many times I had to petition the school to let me take it to get my degree, as it was required. I had to tell them about how I was depressed and wanted to kill myself. They forced me to see a school therapist. I only had to go once, and it wasn't so bad. I'm now in my final semester ready to graduate after 4 1/2 years. It really wasn't as bad as I thought it was at the time.

    My boyfriend had a hard time with college too. Switching majors constantly, but eventually ended up with a liberal arts degree. His life dream is to make a feature length movie. This is what he is currently doing. He did not go to school for it. He has done a lot of research all on his own. He saved up money, bought a Mac computer and Final Cut Pro. He got some fancy digital camera that he says can get very close to a film look with the right settings. He's always talking about this amazing technical stuff, and he never went to school for it.

    I'm just saying if you want to graduate college you still can. If not, you still can have a career in movies. Or even make your own movies. Digital video seems to be taking over nowadays, and it is a lot cheaper and more accessible to the average person than film is. Just hang in there, you can still achieve your dreams.
  6. Dude,

    Your situation may seem so so dark right now, but pleae through all of it do not lose faith in the support of your parents. My mother is very conservative, strict and constantly pushes me academically. however, when i came down to one of the lowest points in my life, getting pregnant a month before i was due to start uni, she came through. no matter what our personal differences, she wanted the best for me and supported and paid me through the abortion i so desperately wanted. parents are not perfect people and although they may be disapointed that you havent confinded in them. they want the best for you. there are very few people in the world that dont, essentially, want others to be happy. i am now half way through my second year at uni. when i got into financial difficulties in my first year, my mother was there for me again, forgiving me.

    taking action is the first and foremost thing to do. tell them the situation. at least then you can start to mend things. afterall, them not knowing about it does not mean its not happening but them knowing means you can move forwards.

    Go back to see your counciller, a new one if necessary. they can help even through half the time they seem like utter cocks :tongue: also, never forget that depression is nothing to be ashamed of. it is not weakness, and it is not going to control your life.

    change is the one thing that is always possible.

    IM me if you need to, im in the UK so im awake at wierd times for you.

    Take care of yourself, you deserve it.


  7. aramaki

    aramaki Active Member

    Excellent advice from Maddi.

    I think you are way too young to say you destroyed your life...

    ...wait till you get to my age first :)

    You'll have lots of opportunities to get things back on track, but it sounds like you need to beat the depression first, and as in many cases it sounds like it may come from your view of the world?

    You will need to tell your parents what happened, and go home, back to them, where you will have a more comfortable environment and more food to eat. From there you will be able to come up with a scheme for rescuing the situation again. Re-taking the year sounds like the best bet, for now.
  8. moviemagic

    moviemagic Member

    Thanks for all the advice. My school has now called me and left me a message telling me that I am supposed to be vacated from my dorm, but that they do not have any checkout information. I am supposed to call them back, but I am not sure what to do. I'll have to tell them I am still here, but the thing is I can't leave yet because I don't have a car to go home in. I have to wait for my parents to pick me up which means I have to tell them everything now. The problem is though that my parents won't have much time to come get me until the weekend when they are not working, but the school probably won't let me stay here until then. I may have to be gone by tonight. I am afraid to call back the school to tell them anything, but I don't want them to come looking for me either. Not sure if I should call the school first to see how long they will give me or my parents to see when they can come. Either way my situation looks to be coming to an end sooner than I thought. Hopefully this is going to be the start towards a better life for me. I don't think my parents will ever trust me again though. I really screwed up. At least I have friends at home, but they are going to question why I am back and they don't know about my depression at all. I don't know what I am going to do.
  9. Wierd

    Wierd Well-Known Member

    If you feel so bad about it you can try again then pay your parents back with the money you earn from your qualified job, that you won't likely be able to earn without finishing college. A lot of people fail on their first try, but this is one of those things where you get a second chance. Even if you get kicked out you can still go to a different college. Everything can be fixed! Once you finish college and get a job you won't have to rely on your parents as much, so trust won't be as much of an issue. As for friends you can always get new ones that don't know, and starts things fresh from there.

    Also, I found it's harder to start to start education after a summer of idleness (from personal experience). If you do something productive, if only a little every day (maybe just doing stuff around the house, or a 20-hour-a-week job), you might find it easier to go to class and do homework when you start school again. If you work only a little every day, you probably won't tire yourself to death, but will get a habit of working that will make it easier to work even when depressed, and will help in the long run.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2007
  10. moviemagic

    moviemagic Member

    I agree with what you said, wierd. If I had a job this last summer the transition to school would have been better as well as my whole summer as I would have done something productive. I worked the past summers, but for some reason decided not to this last summer. I just don't know what to do about school. Everyone assumed I was graduating this year and now I am not. I don't know if I ever will graduate because I just can't seem to find a reason to go to school anymore. Most filmmakers that I admire didn't even go to college or dropped out so this doesn't really give me any incentive to want to go to school anymore. Its not like having a film degree will magically give me talent. I think I already have talent I just need to get out there and use it. I guess my plan for now is to find a job and just work for the whole of 2008. I'll think about what to do about school, but right now I just can't see going back to any school in 2008. I can also work on films during this time. The problem is I want a better camera than the one I have because its not the greatest quality. I also want a mac for editing movies so I guess I will have to save up my money till I can get these things. The funny thing is that a mac was going to be my graduation present, but I ruined that. Anyway, I feel like my money would be better used on film equipment which I will need anyway rather than school which seems like a waste to me now. Still, I need to work out my depression first. I can't just get new friends either. I've known these people for too long and they wouldn't let me do that anyway. I like my friends its just going to be hard to tell them about my depression. I just hope I can get past all my negative thoughts and move towards a more positive life.
  11. moviemagic

    moviemagic Member

    Well I called my parents and they are going to come get me tomorrow. They want to help me. I'm going to be seeing my psychologist again I'm sure. I don't take any medication now, but that might be happening too. Anyway, my school situation is over at least. Now I have to work on bettering myself.
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you finally got up the courage to tell your parents what was going on. hopefully they will continue to be supportive while you get yourself back together and are ready to move forward. Don't give up on any hopes or dreams you may have had. These things are all still available to you in the future. Take care of yourself and get well. :hug:
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