For the past three months I have been lying to everyone I know. Everything started in the summer when I finally broke down and told my parents I have depression. My parents set me up with a psychologist. However, this was the very end of the summer and I only had three sessions with the psychologist before I went back to school for my senior year of college. I chose to leave my case open in case I wanted to set up an appointment again. I told my parents I was fine with going back to school and that I thought it would be good for me. The whole summer I basically did nothing as I thought it was my last summer before I would be off into the "real world" and that I should just have fun and not get a job. Of course that was a stupid decision, but by the end of the summer I was happy that school would finally give me something to do. I felt that being back in school I would feel more of a part of the world and I could meet new friends and have fun. When I got to school everything started out fine. I went to all my classes and was enjoying them. I started going to the movies with these two people on weekends and I felt like I had made some new friends. Then somewhere along the line I missed a class. Then that one class turned to two and then suddenly I found this feeling of hopelessness take over me and that I had already failed so why bother going to any classes. I missed more and more classes until I just stopped going to any altogether. I also stopped calling the two people to go to the movies on the weekend. They didn't call me either. So I found myself all alone. Fast forward to last week, thanksgiving break. I go home to my family. I put on as much of a fake smile as I can when the subject of school comes up. I lie about doing well in classes and having friends when in reality I sit in my room all day and communicate as little as possible with other people. I have a good weekend and my family enjoys having me home although beneath the surface I am also a wreck as I have just spent a week of more lies, hiding in the truth of my situation. So now I am back at school after my thanksgiving break at home. By now my case has been closed by my psychologist and he has reported that all is well with me because I never contacted him before the date he would close the case. My school id card has been shut off so I can no longer get any food at school with my card. I can't even get into my dorm building as it requires card access. I just wait for other people to let me in. So now I am cut off from anything but my room which is where I usually am anyway. The semester is almost over and I will have to go home in a couple weeks when it ends. I can't keep lying for long after that. I have not registered for next semester and so I cannot come back to school. Also my parents will wonder about my grades for this semester and I won't be able to show them any. I do not have a job. I even applied for one at my school a month ago but then ended up not taking the job I was offered. That was a mistake. Now I have to rely on the money I do have on me if I want to eat any food. I still have maybe three cans of soda left, but no food. My money will run out soon enough and then I will have to starve myself. I have boxed myself into a corner. It is all MY fault. I have wasted parents money that went into this semester at college. I have wasted my own time here by not going to classes. I have lied to my whole family. I can never repair these damages I have caused. These are things I have done that are permanent. My family will never forget what I have done when they find out. It is only a matter of when and how they find out now. I am too much of a coward to tell them myself or else I would have long ago. I am selfish for what I have done. My original plan was to kill myself months ago, but I didn't do it. The funny thing is now that I am at my worst place I can't kill myself the way I had originally planned. I don't really have any objects to kill myself with right now. If you read this ridiculously long post then thank you and I will take any advice or comments that I can get.