How I feel is beyond words

[SamIAm]

Yea I’m definitely feeling like taking myself out of this world tonight. Can’t stand it no more. Lost my mother a few months ago to an illness and now my dad killed him self cause he missed her so much, I can’t stand the pain of living anymore. I’ve been really reckless like crossing the highway with cars coming. Don’t care if they hit me or not. And I’ve been <mod edit - "doing dangerous things thinking about suicide">. Probably no one can relate to me just wanting the pain to end. Just trying to find a way out of my misery. I feel like my parents were allowed to leave AND I’M NOT??? I should probably call a counselor tomorrow but feel like it won’t help. I can’t stand this misery. What could a counselor say that would change anything??? I’m sorry for being so down but I’m sure you wanted the truth. Hope everyone is finding some comfort and peace tonight.

 

[Lara_C]

Welcome @Alone04 . I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I understand why you just want the pain to stop. It feels so unbearable, but please reach out for help to someone able to give you the right kind of help as well as posting on here. Nothing will take away the trauma instantly, but there are definitely ways to help you cope and find some relief and comfort. I feel that medical help is what you need most of all right now, followed by bereavement counselling or therapy to help you work through your grief.

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

Hi @Alone04

welcome. I am glad you found this group.

you’ve had profound losses recently. I am very sorry you’ve lost your parents. 💔

I hope you can find some reasons to hang on. I want you to have hope. Hope for better days ahead.

do you have siblings? Any other family?

there is help out there for you. I hope by chatting/venting here, it will give you the courage to find a dr & therapist. And the courage to keep going in spite of your pain. 🦩

 

[SamIAm]

Thank you Lara and Flamingo for your kind words and empathy. Yes I have a brother who I’m not close to. He hates me I think. He told me today he wished it were me that was dead instead of my dad. I do too. Yes I called the suicide hotline today and got a whole list of numbers to call tomorrow. I’m hoping I can make the calls. I need someone to talk to because yea I’m crying without even realizing it and it’s really embarrassing. And I’m having terrible dreams about suicide and stuff! I know it will take time. I’m just in shock and can’t believe it all happened!! Thank you again for your kindness and support. It means a lot to me!!! Wishing you both a peaceful and relaxing evening!!!

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

@Alone04

it sucks your brother said that. I know he’s hurting too, but that doesn’t excuse those words.
I am happy that you called a hotline today. You found this place too. That’s really quite productive. Keep that momentum going tomorrow & make those calls.
Idk if you have hospice services, but some offer free grief counseling. Counseling can help you acknowledge truths. It’s a place to vent. And it can help you find realistic coping mechanisms that work for you. Give it a try.
crying can really sneak up on you. It’s a natural part of grief. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself time.

I hope finding us gives you a sense of calm tonight. It’d be great to sleep without any nightmares. I think you deserve some calm & rest.

Please, let me know how those calls go. Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk.
and most importantly, Have sweet dreams tonight!

 

[Lara_C]

Please don't be embarrassed to share your feelings, and anyone would cry in your place. I agree youre in shock after losing your parents and finding yourself seemingly alone in the world. Just know we are always here for you and keep reaching out. I'm sorry your brother said such a devastatingly hurtful thing when you're already in such pain, but it was said from a place of deep pain in him. He hurt you because he is hurting himself and can't contain it.

I wish you and your brother could find a way to share your grief and support each other instead of falling apart when you need each other most.

 

[SamIAm]

@Alone04

it sucks your brother said that. I know he’s hurting too, but that doesn’t excuse those words.
I am happy that you called a hotline today. You found this place too. That’s really quite productive. Keep that momentum going tomorrow & make those calls.
Idk if you have hospice services, but some offer free grief counseling. Counseling can help you acknowledge truths. It’s a place to vent. And it can help you find realistic coping mechanisms that work for you. Give it a try.
crying can really sneak up on you. It’s a natural part of grief. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself time.

I hope finding us gives you a sense of calm tonight. It’d be great to sleep without any nightmares. I think you deserve some calm & rest.

Please, let me know how those calls go. Feel free to send me a message if you want to talk.
and most importantly, Have sweet dreams tonight!

Thank you so much Flamingo! My goal today was just to somehow make it through the night which seems to be my goal every night now. As soon as night comes and I’m alone with just myself (and my new16 week old rescue puppy) I get scared cause I know the nightmares will come. Sometimes I stay up all night, or two nights in a row, so i don’t have to dream til the next night. Your words are really comforting and I feel a lot of relief already. I’m sure I’ll make it through this night now thanks to everyone I’ve spoken with today. Thank you for the invite. I’m definitely going to take you up on it soon. I’m hoping your evening is going well! I will let you know how those calls go tomorrow for sure.
You are definitely an amazing person with so much empathy for others. You kindness has meant everything to me tonight.

 

[sinking_ship]

I am so sorry for your loss. It's understandable that you are in a lot of pain, and that you want that pain to end. I think a lot of people here can relate to that, even if we haven't been in your exact shoes. I hope you can manage to make some calls to get help. They can't change what happened, but they can help you learn to deal with the pain you are feeling and move forward. Just hold on for now, and try to be patient with yourself.

 

[1964dodge]

i am so sorry for your loss @Alone04 that is a horrible tradgedy to endore. i want to welcome you to SF we are a peer community that cares but never judges. we are a safe place for you to talk or vent. i''m proud of you for reaching out to a crises line and to us. please follow up with those calls tomorrow they can help you find a way to cope.

obviously that pain will always be there but in time it will get better. i don't agree with your father committing suicide but i do understand. when you spend decades with a loving spouse it's extremely hard to lose someone. when they thought my wife was going to die my kids wouldn't leave me alone until she recovered. he should have thought about his kids but his grief was too great and he couldn't think rationally. i hope things work out for you.

if you ever want to talk feel free to use my inbox. and if you don't feel safe please call the crises line again or your emergency #...mike....

 

[SamIAm]

Hi Lara, yes for sure my brother hurt me bad tonight. I will keep reaching out to him cause whether he believes it or not I love him. He’s my only sibling. I want to have him in my life. We’ve been arguing bad lately and I wonder if he still loves me. We used to get along so I’m hoping it’s just the trauma. I know he’s been affected just as bad as I’ve been. For sure I’m going to take your advice and Flamingo’s as well and call a hospice for counseling. Somewhere, anywhere! I’m tired, exhausted and wiped out. I need some rest from everything and am so glad I have you and Flamingo to talk too. You both have given me a lot of peace tonight!! Thank you so much! I hope your evening is peaceful for you!! It’s great talking with you!

 

[SamIAm]

I am so sorry for your loss. It's understandable that you are in a lot of pain, and that you want that pain to end. I think a lot of people here can relate to that, even if we haven't been in your exact shoes. I hope you can manage to make some calls to get help. They can't change what happened, but they can help you learn to deal with the pain you are feeling and move forward. Just hold on for now, and try to be patient with yourself.

Now you’ve done it! Really now I’m crying again. I have just been trying to be strong, get through the funerals, try and fight. I’m holding on tonight now for sure!! I promise I will make those calls in the morning first thing. I can’t stay awake 2-3 nights in a row anymore. It’s wearing me down and my performance at work is suffering. And then I get mad at myself which isn’t helping. I wish someone could take all this from me for just a day you know? Your support means everything to me! I will let you know tomorrow how the calls went. Sleep well and I hope you have an amazing day tomorrow!

 

[SamIAm]

i am so sorry for your loss @Alone04 that is a horrible tradgedy to endore. i want to welcome you to SF we are a peer community that cares but never judges. we are a safe place for you to talk or vent. i''m proud of you for reaching out to a crises line and to us. please follow up with those calls tomorrow they can help you find a way to cope.

obviously that pain will always be there but in time it will get better. i don't agree with your father committing suicide but i do understand. when you spend decades with a loving spouse it's extremely hard to lose someone. when they thought my wife was going to die my kids wouldn't leave me alone until she recovered. he should have thought about his kids but his grief was too great and he couldn't think rationally. i hope things work out for you.

if you ever want to talk feel free to use my inbox. and if you don't feel safe please call the crises line again or your emergency #...mike....

Hey man thanks for that. Yea I don’t agree with what my father did either. I hope I would have been strong enough to have held on for my kids too but then again look at me calling Suicide Prevention today. My parents lived for each other and their kids but man everything happened within days. I didn’t believe this stuff was happening or was real. I hated everyone and anyone. I’m just now at my breaking point I think. Because within days everyone was gone and everything has changed. My days are hard and my nights more so. I’m make those calls tomorrow cause I know I need some help. I kind of feel compelled to <mod edit -method> I don’t want to! I’m not sure why I’m being pushed in that direction, maybe just grief. But I’m holding on tonight man for sure. And btw I’m glad your wife is doing well. I’m always here for you as well. And for sure we’ll talk again. I’ll let you know how those calls went. You and your family stay safe and well and have an excellent day tomorrow! Thank you for reaching out to me. You’ll never know how much it meant to me tonight,

 

[GMody]

Hi. Alone04. Sorry for the tragic loss of your parents. It's hard and I hear you. My mom died of lung cancer in 2016. And my dad died this year in Jan. I have one sister and brother in law who support me. What your brother said is wrong and selfish. I feel you should see a counselor during this grieving period and even in future. Do find a good counselor. It will help you. May you find peace soon.

 

[Lara_C]

Hi Lara, yes for sure my brother hurt me bad tonight. I will keep reaching out to him cause whether he believes it or not I love him. He’s my only sibling. I want to have him in my life. We’ve been arguing bad lately and I wonder if he still loves me. We used to get along so I’m hoping it’s just the trauma.

I feel it is just grief talking and I'm glad you're keeping the door open. Maybe he could be persuaded to seek grief counselling as well? You have both suffered the same trauma and disconnecting from each other in your grief would compound the tragedy.

 

[SamIAm]

Hi. Alone04. Sorry for the tragic loss of your parents. It's hard and I hear you. My mom died of lung cancer in 2016. And my dad died this year in Jan. I have one sister and brother in law who support me. What your brother said is wrong and selfish. I feel you should see a counselor during this grieving period and even in future. Do find a good counselor. It will help you. May you find peace soon.

Thank you for your kind words of GMody. I am sorry for your loss as well. There’s just no good way to lose your parents who have been with you since day one tight? I know you have felt the same pain that I feel and it’s awesome to see that you have come so far! I called a few places from the list I received from Suicide Prevention and have an appointment Monday with a psychologist who specializes in grief. I’m hoping I will be brave enough to tell this person all that I have been thinking lately. It’s pretty amazing but last night after talking with everyone here I felt more at peace than I ever have before. I still walked around crying this morning and feel like my grief will never go away but I’m hoping it gets better every day. Instead of wanting to leave this world I this morning I just felt depressed hoping it passes soon. I appreciate your support because talking with everyone here made a difference for me last night. I’m still here today and I’m glad of that believe it or not. I will keep reaching out to my brother. He’s older than I me and he has always dealt with things like this by taking his anger out on me. He doesn’t know how much he hurt me last night and never will. I want to try and work through it. I’m actually looking forward to therapy Monday!! I’m looking forward to starting a new, more positive journey. I’m hoping I started by reaching out for help yesterday. I met some with you and all the new friends I made here yesterday

 

[SamIAm]

Thanks Gmody I just off the phone and have made an appointment with a psychologist for Monday. Thank you for your support! I’m so sorry for your losses as well. Hey I know it’s hard losing both parents and I’m happy to see you doing so well! It gives me hope! I’m hoping to feel better soon and start a new journey. I hope it starts here with all the new friends I have made yesterday and today, You all have given me do much empathy and help, I’m sure I got this! Yea my brother was inexcusable yesterday but I made it through the night thanks to everyone here. I hope I can keep reaching out to you and everyone here. You all are amazing!

 

[SamIAm]

Sorry about the two posts man but you see what happens when I stay awake for the third tonight in a row! My appointment won’t come soon enough! Anyways have a great day!!!

 

[SamIAm]

I feel it is just grief talking and I'm glad you're keeping the door open. Maybe he could be persuaded to seek grief counselling as well? You have both suffered the same trauma and disconnecting from each other in your grief would compound the tragedy.

Heyyy I’m so glad I get the chance to speak with you again!!! I called and have an appointment Monday with a psychologist. I’m so tired as I have been up 3 nights in a row just so I don’t have nightmares. I’m afraid to sleep! My appointment won’t come soon enough! My sister-in-law feels my brother is just hurting and will come around. He doesn’t know how bad his comments hurt me. I hope I get the chance to talk with you some more!!! Have a peaceful and relaxing day!

 

[GMody]

Alone04. I have made some good friends here who are always supportive when I am down and when I have suicidal thoughts. My mom suffered so much with pain but never complained. But she stopped chemotherapy as it was too painful with the side effects. She was deeply religious so that helped. As far as my dad he died a painless, peaceful death. Died in sleep. You have taken a good decision of seeing a psychologist this Monday. My advice is do not hide or be reluctant to express ALL your feelings. The more you converse the better the results. I took therapy for six sessions as I had too many negative thoughts. It helped me as the therapist was good. But can't continue as he is costly. Slowly, slowly as time passes you will get healed. But it's important that you keep on continuing seeing the psychologist. Let the find memories of your parents bring a smile to your face. If at all the psychologist suggests medications that may help you, do take them. I am in India, am 52, was in US for 7 years in Delaware and Philadelphia. You too have a great day. If you are religious attend church, you will find peace.

 

[Lara_C]

I hope talking things through with a psychologist and on here will stop the nightmares. Maybe your doc would prescribe sleeping meds and /or antidepressants temporarily as resting mind and body is very important when we're going through an intensely stressful, traumatic time such as this.