How I felt yesterday...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stylez, Apr 2, 2007.

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  1. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    I wrote this in another thread but that thread has left the front page so I thought I would just post it here and hope for some more responses...

    damn i had the worst day yesterday. when i go out i get very paranoid and thus very depressed. i can't stand my negative self talk......"i want to shoot myself....drown myself...i want to die...i wish i could die now." fuck i need confidence....any suggestions? What I try to say to myself is that your going to die eventually, so just enjoy it, don't worry about it, ...that helps a little bit but it fades fast. My past kills me everyday of my life...I need to get out of this funnel and see the light....a light at least.

    This negative self talk is really bad....I can't stop talking to myself sometimes I don't realize it and my dad says "what did you say" then i'm embarassed....wonder how i am in public...probably look crazy...this sucks man...i cant stand my cowardly life....I'm living the repercussions of my past and I can't handle it.....I'm desperate for advice...anybody remember how it was to feel confident?
     
  2. TwilightKid

    TwilightKid Well-Known Member

    I dont really remember what it was to be confident since i have never been confident myself. I can remember that even as a little kid i was really shy. Then it was downhill all the time. I never really believed in myself but i can remember when i was like 10 years old and played tennis, i would talk to myself and say to myself stuff like "I can do that, i will win this time, he/she is not as good as me, i am better than them, i can do that!" and it helped! U know its weird that when i was so young i could actually gain some confidence from just persuading myself! I had no idea about stuff like positive thinking or something, but i felt i should think positive.
    Now, i cant do that since when i tell to myself i can really do something, i have lots and lots of doubts and i dont believe in myself. This is becoz i have been bullyind for years while in school, i think. I think they ruined all the confidence i had in myself. When i was a neenager i would think to myself that i should die just because i was so shy and quiet! As if only self-confident people could live their lives!
    I have a really low self esteem, well the only thing i am sure of is that i am smart coz everybody keeps telling me that and i know that myself too. I am good at school and i love reading a lot. But speaking of anything else - i am not sure of anything. Recently i tried to persuade myself that i am quite good-looking. Heh that doesnt seem to work. I dont think i am ugly, but i am definitely not someone one could look at and have aesthetic satisfaction. I would say i am nothing special at all, no one ever told me i was beautiful so how am i supposed to persuade myself i am? Heh... So i know i have to gain more self-confidence but its really hard to do. I think i will have to write the things i like in myself, that kind of list shoul help me understand that better, but i wont write a list of things i hate coz i know it will be much much longer than the things i like. I tried to do that a few years ago and the stuff i hated about myself schocked me coz the list was so so long.
    Anyway i am trying to think positive right now. Even if i dont succeed at least i will know i have tried.
     
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