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how I got better

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Altruist, Dec 29, 2008.

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  1. Altruist

    Altruist Active Member

    About two years ago my life wasn't so great, I was depressed all the time. I felt like the world was not right and that everything was polluted and corrupt. Even at times when there was no stress in my life I felt like the world was just messed up and that Life was just suffering. I constantly thought that life was hard, that it was a cold world, that no one cared about anyone else. I felt like I was on an Island. On a particularly bad day I went for a walk up a hill, I am ashamed to say It was the last day I planned to live for. As I walked up the hill I made it to the top and I saw something when I sat down, it was an ant, a small bug walking in a line with many others. It was so beautiful I almost started to cry, it reminded me of a time before suffering existed, it reminded me of my childhood when I did not understand mortality, when I did not understand life and death. I walked down from that hill feeling a little better then when I had walked up it.

    A few days later, on a friday afternoon I found myself leaving school not wanting to go home. I took another walk, this time I walked a few miles to a harbor. I heard sea gulls and smelt salty wind, I almost cried, it was a perfect moment, for a second nothing mattered I was happy I felt free.

    As the months went bye I started to seek out these perfect beautiful moments, I started to gain an knack for finding them, to my surprise I found more and more of them, when once I might find a moment once a month I could now find one once a week. I started to focus my life towards these moments, instead of always seeing things that I hated I started to become addicted to finding these moments.

    Around a year after I started to search these moments I began to think that my life could be ok, all I had to do was search out moments that reminded me of good times. However one day walking in town I walked by a ballet class in session, I looked in and saw girls about my age, beautiful and graceful. I watched for a few moments and walked on with a feeling of freedom inside me. I had discovered a happy moment, a moment that didn't remind me of anything, but instead a moment that just made me feel good for the first time.

    The next week I went for a walk in primarily hispanic neighborhood, It was very different from the street I live on. I walked into a store that had latin tunes playing. An old woman stood behind a counter she smiled at me. I walked around the store, there were brands I had never heard of before, I will never seeing all these things that I had never heard of before for sale. I left and the old woman smiled at me again probably wondering what the hell I was doing in this part of town. I left feeling good, I had found another new moment that didn't remind me of anything it was a happy moment created for the first time.

    I was starting to discover things that made me happy, I was starting to learn about things I liked. After my experience in the latin part of town I started to pay attention in spanish class, instead of just waiting for the bell to ring. For the first time education made sense to me.

    I start to discover things that I liked but didn't know about, I started to educate myself, now instead of just searching with my walks I started to search in a library. I started to search on a computer. I was discovering at least one thing a day that made me happy.

    Something happened about a week later that changed me. I was walking under a bridge and I saw a homeless man, totally beat up looking, shit drunk, talking to himself. Normally I would ignore him and keep walking but instead I turned to him and he asked him his name he said that his name was rick, I looked at his face and wondered what his life was like, he was old, he had seen some shit in his time. Where had he been in his life, where did he come from. I was very nervous talking to him and most of the time was just thinking to myself if he made a move I would just punch him as hard as I could in the face. However after that day whenever I saw people on the street I didn't just see people I saw lives, in particular whenever I saw someone with gray hair or a wrinkled face I wondered about all the things that had happened to them in their life, some had lived before cell phones, before computers, when mail and land lines were how we communicated, some had lived through was. I started to see that all this bull shit in the world didn't mater I started to see that everyone would die and everything would break. I started to really freak out when I wondered what life even was, my body is not me, everything in my body changes, I am not made up of the same cells or even atoms when I die as when I am born. We are perfect recyclers, everything goes back into the universes at one point or another, everything is the same, it totally tripped me out thinking about this, but that didn't stop the suffering of the world, it didn't take away the fear and uncertainty of death it only made me feel like nothing mattered I finally felt free. My perspective of life had changed, the negatives didn't bother me as much anymore, I just started to live in the best way that I could possibly live, everything I did I started to do 100% no bullshit, just do it. I stopped using the problems of the world or the problems of my past hold me back. I realized there was no such thing as good and evil this really freaked me out at first but then I just realized the world is perfect as it is, its full of people just doing. this brings quite close to where I am now. This transformation from the first moment with the ant to my final discoveries inside my head have take about 2 years and what excites me more is it never stops, the discoveries keep coming and life keeps getting better and better, my only rule is this: Do your best no mater what or how hard it is, just do your best.

    I hope it was possible for me to pass down some of the things that helped me change from feeling depressed to a state of feeling somewhat at ease with life.
  2. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Y'know know. Altruist I have to say I LOVE your name. Rather like mine it is one of the few positive usernames around here.

    And you gotta love that. :smile:

    And welcome. Bad thing for me is the sheer length of your post. Voluminous comes to mind--but that's just me and would be great if you could rewrite a Cliff's Notes version. :blink:

    Either way like as, I'll be back to nose in.

    Glancing through I detect acquired gratitude via seeing and actually meeting people who have it worse than you. Close?

    When we appreciate what we have in life, that perspective grows. When we act on positivity, like getting out everyday for a few minutine of walking, something magic can happen, though consistency is key for most.

    Bravo Altruist :yeah: Bravo.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am so glad you were able to find your peace in a way that makes sense to you and such a significant difference in your life. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope it helps to give light to some of those that only see darkness. :hug:
  4. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    Thank you Altruist for sharing your inspiring story of change. It goes to show how the simple things in life can make a great deal of difference only if we open to see what is there. I hope your positive story help others who feel that nothing will ever change and there is no hope in positive change. :)
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing your story and i am glad to see that your life is changing in a positive manner. May it continue to do so.
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