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How I ruined my own love story.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Lacrimo, Mar 31, 2014.

  1. Lacrimo

    Lacrimo New Member

    Well, I know it's everything else but polite to cry about oneself first before helping others, but it's something that bothers me so I have to tell it to somebody.
    It all started when I had to change my school just for the 13th grade (A-Levels in my country). New classmates etc.. Most of them seem to be nice and I found friends pretty fast.
    After 2 weeks we changed our sitting order so I was told to sit next to a pretty arrogant blonde girl. I didn't feel attracted to her at all first, but after a while, we started getting in touch
    with each other. Just during class, ofcourse. I'm a kind of shy person and usually hardly feel anything for any person I don't know for years. People call me 'emotionless' or even 'pokerface' sometimes,
    I also don't like smiling a lot. After a few months she started behaving strangely. She kept distance and I just was like 'Pfft okay'. Now I know that she was dating someone else and decided that he wasn't
    the right one. A few months later everything went back to normal. I still didn't feel that much for her. I'd even say, I felt nothing. Then, we had a meeting with our classmates and drunk a lot and some girl
    of my class asked me if I wanted to dance. As I said no, she asked me if I wanted to dance with the girl I sat next to with. I didn't say anything, I just looked in her eyes and she responded 'Ewww not with him'.
    That made me kind of mad, so I didn't speak a single word with her for like 3 weeks. She never said sorry, but she became extremely kind during
    these 3 weeks. She even started touching my arm when asking something. She always tried to do me favors etc.. After these 3 weeks I couldn't be mad at her anymore. Then something
    very interesting happened. I noticed how many things we had in common. She was talking like I do, writing like I do, doing the same mistakes as I do. From then on I started liking her
    as I felt respected, liked, finally understood and like I've found something like a 'soulmate'. I usually don't believe in that stuff, since I'm a very rational person. From day to day I liked her more and more.
    She also started sitting closer to me. Well, until a classmate of mine started asking her out etc.. I don't know how she did it, but she noticed that I became sad whenever he did that. So she started
    putting some distance between her and him. I was kind of surprised and planned to ask her for a date. It took me 1 week until I thought 'today is the day I'll ask her'. On this day we had like 6 lessons.
    'So 6 lessons and 2 breaks time to ask', I thought. I was really slow at that day and waited... I said to myself after the 4th lesson 'I'll go in there and ask her. Right now, no excuses'. When I went in, I saw that classmate
    who was asking her out previously sitting on my chair, talking to her. She still was putting some distance between them but when I arrived I just heard her saying 'well, yeah. So friday?'.
    From then on she was putting a distance between me and her.

    I know how this sounds, it's all my fault. I waited a week and even then it took me plenty of time... I don't know how
    other people live with this shit, but I just feel like I'm not made for it. My grades are just average and my social life sucks.
    I feel like damn loser. I'm not sad, nor depressed. I just noticed how shitty I am. You might think 'Well, it's just one love,
    you never had her' etc.. To be honest, she was the first person that made me believe stuff I couldn't explain, she actually
    was the first person that felt familiar. I'm 20 years old, had like 4 girlfriends (not many, but who cares) and still feel like
    I've never have experienced this. Her laugh made me laugh and it was like that for her with my laugh, too. The fact alone that she might think
    that I'm not interested drives me crazy. I just feel hatred for myself. It's like carrying a burden on your back you actually can't walk with. I'm stuck
    emotionally in this place and don't move.

    Sorry for my shitty english.
  2. Syn

    Syn Well-Known Member

    Your English is actually pretty good, better than my English teachers actually (That might not be saying much though...) I gotta be honest though, this doesn't seem like you ruined much of anything. Sure, you let a chance slip by but that doesn't mean there won't be another chance later on. Perhaps her and that other classmate won't work out, then you'll have another shot. Just have a bit of hope, because you didn't ruin anything.

    I admit I was in a similar situation, still kinda am. I wanted to be with this girl for years, she's the only one I could want, her and I can sit down and talk for 8 hours straight and be having fun the whole time. Well, when I told her how I felt she told me she was already with someone. I lost my chance same way you did, waiting too long (if I even had a chance) For a long time it tore me up inside, badly. I'm just now learning though that you can't let it tear you down, just because they are with someone else doesn't mean it's over. Most relationships fail anyways (Especially at our age), so really it may just be a matter of time. Just try to be her friend and grow closer to her that way. If you think she doesn't know that you care about her, then show her that you do care, even if it's in small ways. She'll see it.

    Also, don't hate on yourself so much, if you don't like who you are, then try to be the person you want to be, take steps no matter how small in the direction you want to go. You can't truly love or be loved until you learn to love yourself. Or at least not hate yourself. I know it sounds cliché, but it really is true. And hey, maybe while you wait for her and the other guy to break up or whatever you can focus on making yourself happier, which will make her happier when you finally get the chance to go for her.

    Just my two cents, either way good luck.
  3. arturvma

    arturvma Active Member

    I think I understand how you feel.
    I agree with Syn. Maybe it is just a matter of time. Most people do not want long term relationships. The chances that she will be available soon are pretty high.
    Nevertheless, you should not sit down and cheer for a bad ending for their relationship, it is not healthy neither for you nor for them.
    I think you should be attentive to your surroundings. The same way as this blond girl was formerly not captivating your attention, there may be other in the same latent situation.