How i see Myself

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~Tosh~, Apr 8, 2009.

  1. ~Tosh~

    ~Tosh~ Forum Buddy

    I cannot find the words to say,

    How I feel inside everyday.

    The pain that’s deep inside my heart

    Sitting and tearing myself apart

    When im angry or frustrated I cut to feel better

    Thoughts of suicide flood my mind

    I want the pain inside to end

    Im tired and I feel I can’t fight it anymore

    With no-one around in Brid to support me I feel alone

    I hide away from the world and my friends

    I lie my way through each day

    Pretending everything is ok when its not

    I avoid leaving the house unless I really have to

    I see no point showing my tired face to anyone

    I hate looking in the mirror, I hate what I see

    I hate with a passion the person staring back at me

    Its not fair on Emma, having a crap mum like me.

    I don’t deserve my little girl, I feel she deserves more.

    And a suicidal mum is not what she needs

    But with no-one else to look after her, I have no choice

    I have to live each day lying to myself

    The cuts and scars on my arms and thighs make me hate myself

    The hatred makes me cut more, and I cut till I feel better,

    But the guilt and hatred make me cut more and more

    It’s a cycle I can’t break, I need cutting.

    But cutting doesn’t always work for me

    I want to hurt myself in other ways

    The drinking, I drink way too much almost every night

    Thoughts of taking drugs always on my mind,

    A new way to get a new fix… A different type of Fix

    They’re easy enough to get hold of if you know the ‘right’ people

    I hardly eat, one meal a day at the most, if I can get away with it

    When Emma’s at her dad’s I have no motivation

    I don’t even get out of bed; I stay there and try to sleep with no success

    I try to hide away from the world, from everyone, everything

    Crying myself to sleep almost every night at stupid hours in the morning,

    Constantly exhausted from fighting myself and sleepless nights

    Faking a smile to my friends and colleagues, making them think im ok

    Inside falling apart, a mess, a failure, a pathetic weak little lost girl inside.

    On a destructive path that no one sees outside of my bedroom walls

    Trying to write down how I feel but all that comes out is anger

    Anger towards myself for being weak, and for being pathetic,

    Angry at myself when I should be able to pull myself together

    Angry for not taking my medication like I should, but cant

    Angry for people not believing me through school…

    Hatred for those who turned their back on me when I needed them the most

    I hate who I am and I don’t want to carry on

    Im sick of fighting against myself

    It’s a battle I have already lost

    And with not being able to talk to people face to face about how I feel

    I see no point in trying … it won’t work; nothing will get done about it…

    No-one knows the real me, and no-one ever will…

    The world would be a better place without me on it…

  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are not weak or pathetic Lexi.
    There are people that care about you. I care about you!
  3. Scars and Memories

    Scars and Memories Account Closed

    Hey Lexi, I read what you wrote and I just wanted to say...

    Wrong section.:biggrin:

    But you express yourself well, and I really liked it.
    So that's one reason why the world wouldn't be better off without you:wink:
  4. ~Tosh~

    ~Tosh~ Forum Buddy

    it was never meant to be a poem.. if it as i would have put it there with the others i wrote!
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Tonie,
    I know you said you never want to fucking talk to me again, but I know that was the anger talking.. I care about you I just can't do MSN anymore.. If you would still talk with me then my PM is always open or you can e-mail me. My address is on my profile..I really do care what you are going thru..