Hi. It's been a little while since I posted here.
I've been having ups and downs. I'm stressed and depressed about COVID. It seems like every day, there are more people dying and it's really getting to me. Every time I turn on the news it's worse. The predictions that are coming out, the awful stories...it's really, really getting to me. I know we aren't really supposed to talk about it, and I won't talk about it anymore, but it's just really getting to me, it's really upsetting me.
I am stuck at home and haven't been out in months. I am at such high-risk bc of my health problems and so are my parents, so I have to stay home all the time. I don't know if I will see my next birthday. And sometimes I'm not sure if I want to. Christmas was really depressing. We usually have a big family get together, but not this year. I can't believe it's the new year. It doesn't' feel like a new beginning. It still feels awful. Nothing has changed with the year 2020 ending. it's still the same hell.
I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts on and off. Sometimes they are very strong. I have some kitchen safes and have been locking up dangerous items so I can't use them to hurt myself. I keep all my medicine locked away and just take out what I need in the morning. I have good friends who are keeping me accountable by calling me and making sure I did it. Oh I know, I could lie to them, but I'm not like that. I can't lie to someone I know cares about me....It's just hard. Real hard sometimes.
Sometimes I want to die so bad.
Right now, the thought of death is really appealing.
But at the same time, part of me really wants to live.
I don't know if I will ever be free from suicidal thoughts.
I've been having ups and downs. I'm stressed and depressed about COVID. It seems like every day, there are more people dying and it's really getting to me. Every time I turn on the news it's worse. The predictions that are coming out, the awful stories...it's really, really getting to me. I know we aren't really supposed to talk about it, and I won't talk about it anymore, but it's just really getting to me, it's really upsetting me.
I am stuck at home and haven't been out in months. I am at such high-risk bc of my health problems and so are my parents, so I have to stay home all the time. I don't know if I will see my next birthday. And sometimes I'm not sure if I want to. Christmas was really depressing. We usually have a big family get together, but not this year. I can't believe it's the new year. It doesn't' feel like a new beginning. It still feels awful. Nothing has changed with the year 2020 ending. it's still the same hell.
I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts on and off. Sometimes they are very strong. I have some kitchen safes and have been locking up dangerous items so I can't use them to hurt myself. I keep all my medicine locked away and just take out what I need in the morning. I have good friends who are keeping me accountable by calling me and making sure I did it. Oh I know, I could lie to them, but I'm not like that. I can't lie to someone I know cares about me....It's just hard. Real hard sometimes.
Sometimes I want to die so bad.
Right now, the thought of death is really appealing.
But at the same time, part of me really wants to live.
I don't know if I will ever be free from suicidal thoughts.