how is this abuse?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Oz85, May 10, 2009.

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  1. Oz85

    Oz85 Member

    I have questions,so i'll start with telling my story..

    For years i've been wondering if what happened to me was an actual abuse.Have talked to a therapist,friend,husband, you name it.But somehow i can't accept it.

    When i was about 4-5, I lived with my grandparents from dad's side.My dad is a diplomat so we moved a lot.He and mom was in Italy for his job since we just moved from there.My uncles and aunts was also living with us,since there were more than enough space. My dad's youngest brother has always been 'affectionate' to me, kissing and hugging me.He was in his mid 20ies i think. One day,he said that he was gonna miss me so much when it is time for me to move to another country.So he wanted me for myself and carried me to his dark room in the back of the house.He laid me on the bed and started hugging me and doing 'stuff'.You see, i never had a feeling that it was wrong.I cared about him,and my parents were never around.So I ALWAYS consented.We never had intercourse,but definitely fingering,rubbing,'dry sex'.....It was never forced nor was it without consent.then weeks and months passed on, and we got a call that dad was to be stationed in the middle east. So he started saying how much more he was going to miss me,and we went there more often..When i moved away, naturally it stopped,and when i got back i had reached puberty.He still kissed and hugged me a lot,but that was it.I really am not sure if this was abuse..After all I was in on it,right?

    I started feeling disgusted with myself.When i was 12,after several years of cutting myself,i flipped out.I went to a club, how i got in?long story short it involved a lot of make up and money.I got hold of lots of different drugs,ended up ODing and got raped while unconscious there.What my parents did?Nothing,they were not there for me..I should have known since they treated me like a punching bag all these years..belts,hangers,whatever was available..Why me?i had 3 other siblings.i must have been a really nasty child.Still am..

    My dad took me back to Italy wheni was 10 to what turned out to be one of his affair trips.I woke up in the middle of the night just to find my dad and this woman cozying up in bed.he then told me not to tell my mom or anyone in the family. I never did...When i got older i found out that he's been constantly doing it since before they got married,with different women.And i had to learn that one of my siblings that we adopted,was actually my halfsibling.And my brother shocked me last year when we have another one coming!!!

    I didn't tell my parents about my uncle until i was 16.what they did after that?continued watching the tv..

    i got married.One day,he got really drunk, and forced his hands down my pajamas while i was sleeping.i said no several times and cried,but he was too drunk to stop.i kicked him out of bed.but has forgiven since.i dont want to continue saying bad things about my husband,because we've been together since high school and i love him.there are 2 sides of one story i'm sure..and he's a wonderful man.

    i dont know what to do,and there is so much more that has happened that i dont know if i want to lay out here in the open..i feel despair.confused if waht has happened is actually not a big deal,and i'm just sulking and complaining.i must not be that very nice of a person to be treated this way.you treat people like how you want to be treated right?

    i saw a post with a great quote,i forgot whose it was:if you remove one grain of sand from a beach,would anyone notice?..

    i'm sorry,i dont mean to complain...
     
  2. A_Loser

    A_Loser Well-Known Member

    Sweetie, how could you be in on it? or how could have it be consensual ... you were 5 and you had no idea what was going on.
    To answer your question, it was abuse .. period.

    You've been through a lot, nothing of it was your fault, so don't ever blame yourself for wrong doing of others.
     
  3. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    At the age you were when all this started you were too young to even know what consent was, let alone give it.

    Accepting you were abused can often be a long process, for me I always thought admitting it would make it more 'real' for me.

    I'm sorry your parents were not supportive of your situation.

    Have you ever seen a counsellor or therapist to talk these things over?

    Big hugs :arms:.

    Please take care xx
     
  4. I know exactly how you feel. I was sexually abused by my step grandad for so long I can't remember when it started. He was vile and malicious, it wasn't just sexual abuse he mentally abused me and made me believe it was my fault. I still feel it is my fault and am in the long and hard process of trying to stop self harming because of it. What happened to you was not your fault! These people have ways of making you believe it was your fault when it wasn't. Don't ever feel the guilt that they should feel, because that would be letting them win and destroying even more of your life than they already have. You need to admit to yourself that what happened was not your fault, because if you don't it will carry on eating you up inside and he has won. I'm so sorry you haven't had the help that you clearly deserve, especially from your parents. I can relate to you on that field as well considering my parents always pushed me aside and when they found out that I self harmed they hit the roof and punished me, as though it was my fault. However, they do know briefly what happened to me and hate my grandad and understand a little, but they now dislike me for different reasons because the rest of my family didn't believe me so we have lost our extended family. You are not alone in these feelings. Sometimes it gets to me so much the only thing I can think of is giving up, but again you can't give up and let them win. To some degree it is like bullying, you can't ignore it and let them win.
    I think it would benefit you to see a counciller. Perhaps go to your doctors and they could refer you? Also, does your husband know how you feel? Maybe another place to start would be talking to him or somebody else who you trust. I am always here to talk to aswell, remeber, never give up, there is always somebody thinking about you, somebody who loves you and who would miss you if you were gone. And you are not complaining or whining! You have every right to feel how you feel because of this and you have every right to talk about it. Take care Xx
     
  5. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF. It was very disturbing to read your story, but that's why we're here.

    It was definitely abuse! It may be too late to get him (your uncle) jailed but one day you should probably confront him and tell him you now know he abused you.

    As to your husband, you can say no whenver you want, and that means no.
    There are laws about this.

    As to the other continued physical abuse, see Claires comment about therapy, etc...You can take control of your life now and prevent this from happening.

    Regarding the grain of sand. Yes, it's true no one would notice that. But we are not grains of sand. We are indviduals, with varied personalities and we deserve to be treated with respect...YOU deserve to be treated with respect.

    In the meantime, we're here for you.
     
  6. poisonedXsoul

    poisonedXsoul Active Member

    Just because you didn't say no, doesn't mean you consented. I was molested by a thirty year old man when I was 12. I didn't say no, but I did not consent. At young ages we are not able to consent, it's law. A 20 year old has no business touching a five year old, a five year old is not able to give consent.
     
  7. Oz85

    Oz85 Member

    I am seeing a bunch of therapists for it.But i just got 'out' of the psych hospital a couple of weeks ago.it is so hard to tell them,"no i'm not ok".i don't fell like there is time to be doing this now. i have 5 final exams coming,and i have a job that demands a lot.i know i'm gonna feel so bad if i abandoned them.

    claire_83: accepting it is going to be the hardest job.i know what's right or wrong now..i think..and my therapist has been telling me,but i can't accept it.If i didn't tell my parents,the family won't know. And i won't be this girl who caused all the drama..maybe i shouldn't have told anything and let it be.then if smth happens they won't know about all the pain

    shades: i think my husband is a wonderful guy.he's trying and he's sorry.he has said that he didn't remember anything that night.and i believe him,he would never do smth like that to me even though he hurt me. The physical abuse from my parents has stopped,so it's fine..

    delusionalDECADENCE:we are seeing a team of therapist.they even come on house visits all the time.i find it really hard sitting face to face with them and telling them about my life and feelings.

    i really appreciate the tips and comments from all of you
     
  8. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    this was most certainly abuse. payback is long overdue to get some sweet revenge on these sick fuckers.:jason:
     
  9. Gotanonymous

    Gotanonymous New Member

    I'm sorry, I know this isn't the place to argue about this, but I don't really like the responses I'm seeing. I'm definitely no expert, but what good is convincing yourself this late in life that you were abused going to do? If you felt that you were not abused at the time, but then are later on convinced otherwise and consequently suffer, what have you accomplished?

    What I see is people's hatred for pedophiles influencing them to convince you that you were a victim, which is just plain wrong. Let the memory be what it is and don't dwell on it. I know that is going to be hard to do with everyone making such a big deal about it.. Your uncle either loved you or used you, and from the way you tell your story, it sounds like he loved you. I mean to make no judgement on his actions, but that is my opinion on the current situation.

    Like I said, I'm no expert. But this isn't an exact science, either. What matters is YOUR happiness, and you deserve to be happy.

    You said you had questions in your first post, but I don't think I found any. What were you wanting to ask?
     
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    she's asking 'why me?' she's doubting if what happened to her had mattered or was abuse and people who hurt others try and minimise/mask the horror they inflict, and these feelings can pass on to the people who they've hurt. how can the process of what she's going through be of any good? it can help one realise, heal and protect oneself.

    i don't see any blind hatred of paedophiles in this thread, i see people supporting someone, who has just come out of a psych ward and feels desparing, says she'd felt disgusted with herself, and who is asking in her thread title, if what went on at age 5 was appropriate. when you know nothing else, abuse (or in your words 'love') can become the norm and it can kill you inside for years. she said she's been seeing therapists and feels that her parents didn't listen to her when she complained about her uncle. to realise one has been hurt and effected by what happened, can help break silences, break cycles of being hurt by other people that so many people around can maintain, yes it can be horrifying and distressing but so can self-inflicted violence, for things that abusers do.

    how is what her uncle did, an adult, in a position of power over a very young child, be 'love' in any sense of the word?

    oz- i'm so sorry to hear what has happened to you, i feel for you as it's taken me a long long time to realise what i've gone through with so many people in my life. it is hard to tell people that you're not ok, that the things you've gone through with others are not ok for you, and it was so brave of you to share your feelings with people here. :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2009
  11. oftentorn

    oftentorn Member

    Let's see...20 year old man fingers, fondles and gets off on a child, starting at age 4 or 5?????

    Dear soul, that can be nothing other than abuse. I'm so sorry for the continued pain you are suffering. I hope that you find peace and healing in life.
     
  12. Gotanonymous

    Gotanonymous New Member

    I can see that different people take drastically different perspectives upon reading the same story. I'm just judging by how she portrayed her uncle in a neutral way and emphasized that she was never unwilling, that he was not abusing his position of power over her. I'm not saying what he did was right (I'm not saying what he did was wrong, either. I'm passing no judgement, because doing so would not help Oz85 in any way), but it doesn't sound like his intention was to harm, so I think there is a very real possibility that he loved her and was acting out of love.

    I'm sorry, but it just feels wrong to hear the words people say when they treat her like a victim, even within this thread. Oz85, I think you are a beautiful and normal person, and you are just confused and maybe can't always see that. In my opinion, the world isn't as black and white as everyone wants to believe.. It sounds like your uncle may have been all you had at that time, and it sounds like he made you happy.

    I can just imagine the confusion one would feel thinking a trusted loved one made them happy but then being told that what "really" happened was abusive and wrong. I'm sorry you have had to go through all of this.. I hope you do whatever you need to feel happy again. If you would like to tell us more or ask any questions, please feel free. We aren't all experts, and we don't all share the same opinions, but we are all here for you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 25, 2009
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    so many people act out of 'love' and damage people through hitting, raping, molesting. this does not make it ok. you say you're judging, then you say you're not judging. you judge her throughout your post.

    what is wrong with realising one is a victim of abuse when everyone around her has validated it for so long? realising this, does not make you powerless, it can be quite the opposite.

    of course when adults abuse children they will try very hard to make them feel 'happy' and like it was all normal to keep her silent. a 5 year old is a child and will not realise what is happening so of course 'consent' can be given easily



    just because someone who has been molested talks about their experience in a 'neutral way' doesn't mean that damage hasn't been caused, people can become numb because of what happened and she approached her parents and their responses were not what she wanted, which suggests that she mightn't have been too 'happy' with being molested:

    and she started cutting etc.

    people's bodies respond to being sexually abused. this does not make perpertrator's actions acceptable or ok, even if they had intention 'not to harm.' wtf.

    oz- i do hope you keep on seeing your therapists and find peace and healing. i apologise if this thread has been derailed or has hurt you in any way but the above poster's views are something i just cannot sit, read and not respond to.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2009
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