How it came to this.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ettecoud, Dec 22, 2010.

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  1. Ettecoud

    Ettecoud New Member

    Today I find myself with few friends, only one I can even call a "good" friend. Most of my interactions with other people are done over the net. I spent a large part of today thinking about why it's come to this and well I think I need perspective on how I really have it (life that is). This will be a rather large post so sorry about the large wall of text.

    When i was between 4-7 I was sexually abused by my older brother, we used to shower together and he'd often make me touch his penis etc (he is 6 years older then me). I haven't told anyone I know about these events. During this same time period of my life I had to deal with being woken up late at night to loud arguments between my father and my brother, keeping me up to late in the night. When I was in school I was overweight and shy, and had the self confidence that most overweight kids have. I managed to shed the weight but even to this point in time I am still very self conscious. At this point in time I made about 4 good friends, and made few others between that point and now (I am still on a friendly basis with all 4, at least I was).

    Skip forward to junior high, at this point I had lost my weight but had been diagnosed with roseacea which in short makes it look like I am always blushing, and when I do get embarrassed my whole face turns bright red. One kid in the school went out of his way to make my life hell, mocking me even making a Myspace page in my name totally make an asshole out of me. My grades were good in the mid 80's but I came to a point where I decided what I was learning was useless and stopped going to school, just hiding in my basement and blocking the school on the phone. This ended up with them calling an emergency contact number and an uncomfortable meating with my parents and the principal about me forging documents (notes, report cards, newsletters, etc). In the end I did end up going to highschool and not failing in my final year of junior high.

    In that same time period I witnessed my mother go through a mental breakdown and try to kill herself xxxx she wound up in a mental hospital and is to this date still medicated. I also prevented my brother from xxxxx 3 times. He was also hospitalized for having a mental breakdown.

    In highschool I started dating a fairly attractive girl I had known for some time. She moved to the states with her family and we lost touch. After numerous rejections and "i love you like a brother" I feel like there is no sense trying anymore =P. This year I felt like there is no point in going to school anymore haven't shown up in about a month and a half. None of my friends have made much of an effort to find out where i've been so I haven't felt a need to tell them. So now I don't really see much point of living anymore....i've probably missed some things but yeah thats about it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...being abused and being bullied are such hard things to deal with...both leave such deep scars if not treated...sounds like you have many models of people in severe pain and disability...maybe, there are other ways to live and that is something you can seek right now...please continue to tell us what is going on for you and how we can support you...welcome again, J
  3. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    first of all...welcome. :)

    you had a rough childhood, but you managed to get friends, and experience love. and those are some precious memories, so cherish them, and try making new ones. :)
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    a good therapist can help you deal with the aftermath of the abuse. feeling suicidal is a common response to trauma. it's one of the ways we process it. but you can start to feel better. you just need a little extra help. would you be willing to start seeing someone?
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    So you're in a deep depression and you've had previous depressive episodes. Refusing to go to school and blocking the phone etc was a major depressive episode.
    There's history of mental health issues in your family. Have you ever been diagnosed with mental health problems? Have you ever been prescribed meds?
    Did they send you to a doctor when you were'nt attending school?

    I think you're holding up really well considering all the things you've been through but I think that things are now coming to a head for you. I think you should see a doctor and organise some therapy if you're not doing this already.
    You need to come to terms with so much from your childhood and family. It covers a huge range of emotional reactions and you'll need help to sort through them. Once you've done that you'll be able to put a lot of things to rest.
    I was abused by a member of my family nearly 40 years ago. Now I only feel pity and sadness for him, I'm at peace with the rest of it.
    You'll get there and we're here to help.
    Pm me anytime
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