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how long can a girl stay strong

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lynny81, May 11, 2007.

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  1. lynny81

    lynny81 Member

    my life if you can call it a life - 8th May 2007, 11:03 AM


    hiya this is a bit long winded but just needed to let it out somewhere, didnt know which site to put it on as it contains a bit of all lifes shit that can happen.

    Hi my names Lynn to people that know me,Lynny to friends.I was born on the 21st July 1970.My mum Anita Stephens back then thought she had lost me wen she was pregnant as she had fallen down the stairs and heamorraged,but i obviously clung in there ,my father robert smith did not hang around for long he ran off with her best friend Sandra Solomon wen i was 5 mths old glad he did really allthough i was supposedly the apple of his eye he was cruel to my 3 older brothers.Mark,Michael and Martin .When he left my mum had a nervous breakdown the 3 boys went to foster parents my nan had me. When i was 10mths old mum met Ted the only dad ive known they married when i was 18mths old ,2yrs later my sister Leanne was born I love her to bits but we were made to know that she was theirs and the boys and i were just hers Anyway thats all i can remember there til i was 8yrs old reason being on 6thNovember 1978 i was ran over trying to get the number of a house to write on a sponser form.I was in a coma for 3wks had internal injuries and a fractured femur hence the scar on my leg where the bone came through.I managed to lose one of the nurses their job silly bugger put a thremometre in my mouth while i was still in a coma the inevitable happened i bit the end off and swallowed the mercury.Mum said i always wanted a musical doll wether thats true or not i dont know but it did the trick and woke me,was in hospital til the february was like a baby had to learn to walk and talk all over again.When i eventually got back home i had a home tutor cant remember her name but i do remember as far as i knew she took me on my first train journey.Leanne was 4 by this time and the primary school agreed to take her early under the circumstances,i wish they never had! because everytime my mum had to take her and pick her up from school i was being abused by the babysitter who happened to be our next door neighbour.His name was sam davies he was a registered schitzophrenic he lived there with 4 other men all out-patients of moorhaven which back then was the mental assylum. god knows why she trusted him with me but then he was very clever so clever that i never uttered a word just took what he dealt i was told they will never believe you its our secret bad things will happen to you if you tell.even when 2years later again on the 6th nov i had an emergency appendectomy all because 6 doctors mis-diagnosed my mum even said to me when i was so ill before being took in has sam touched you and i was too scared to say yes.when they finally opened me up my appendix had burst ,they apologised to my mum for makin such a bad cut but the appendix had ended where they shouldnt have been due to the rta.Was in hospital for 3 wks and it was so good because i was away from sam.but once back home the abuse started again carried on for another 2yrs.to my great relief all 5 men including sam were being moved .life started to get good i was self harming by this time tho but nobody ever knew i used to make up all these silly stories of how id cut myself.but it did stop eventually.When i was 13 we moved from whitleigh to ernesettle life was ok apart from the odd battering we used to get mind im not complaining we had respect for elders not like now.when i was 15 my parents took leanne on holiday leaving me at home i was workin by this time and looked older than my years .being a typical rebelious teenager i decided to go down the town it was easy to get in over 18s in those days i ended up at tops somehow through the evening my friend and i lost contact but that wasnt all i lost my bag had gone too.the djs m8 neil who i knew to talk to was there he said he wud walk me to a taxi so trusting him i said ok he had a m8 with him had never seen him b4 we got as far as the flats near the octagon where his m8 raped me after he had finished he told neil it was his turn but neil declined told the bloke where to go gave me a hug and put me in a taxi i had to stop off at stbudeux and wake marc up for the spare key.i went to work 5am that morning got everything wrong my parents came bk to my brother grassing me up and also me havin the sack so i took another beating for that but i cud not tell them what had happened felt so dirty and ashamed and not only that i shouldnt have been down the town.about a mth after that i started working in the cafe i also met John he was living in the same house as my brother michael .in time we got together it was feb1986 i was 15 he was 31 he had 4 kids nicky 13 mechelle11 scott 10 and brandon 6 ,i saw him as safety worshipped the ground he walked on he said jump i would ask how high (foolish i know)but in my immature mind i thought there would be no more hurt or pain how wrong i was.mum and dad split that year aswel i had also had got pregnant by my previous boyfriend and miscarried sorry ass about face that happened b4 i met john but he was on the scene when i miscarried then mum gave me an ultimatum finish with john or get out i knew why she wanted john my nan told me that if i hadnt been with him she would have.so i left home and moved in with him was just 16 within 3mths was pregnant on anna mums 1st husband contacted her heard she had split and was coming to visit her i went round the following morning after his arrival my greeting was im getting married and moving to norway within 3mths she was gone i was crushed .on oct 21st 1987 i had anna we lived in apsley rd john was always wheeling and dealing but was a good dad to anna.when anna was 6mths i misscarried for the second time.on my 18th birthday we got married within 3wks the certificate was ripped up that was the start then i found i was pregnant we moved to radnor st thats where i took my 1st clout i was 6mths by then he had come home paraletic spent the dole money then when i was 8mths he ended up 80%paralysed i had to do everything for him even shave him used to joke about slitting his throat .he was operated on feb 89 turned out 3 discs were crushed in his neck so there i was 18 with a 16mth old daughter a disabled husband and 8mths pregnant i finally gave birth to carly 17th april 1989 my mum had come over for the birth but missed it within 24hrs of her returning home i had her she didnt see carly til she was 9mths old.by then we had moved to where i am now not a good move surrounded by pubs john was in his element the drinking and the lies began .i had yet another miscarriage.1991 pregnant again had becky 11th april 1992 john wouldnt have anything to do with her because she was another girl it stayed like that for 6mths i was exhausted becky only ever had 5 min catnaps i was breastfeeding she wouldnt take a bottle or a dummy so she was litterally attached to me 24/7 for 19mths until i ended up ill my mum came over and along with the health visitor kicked me out of the house 2 hrs a night as i couldnt bare to hear becky crying thats how me and sharon became best of friends.in 1995 i was pregnant again despite being on the pill i had asked the doctor be sterilized after becky she said i was too young thats when i took the next beating whilst carrying yet again by this time life with john was a nightmare was just a doormat through and through had kieran 23rd sept 1995 he wasnt at the birth mum and sharon were we thought we wud play a trick on him told him it was a girl he came in the room walked right past the baby wasnt interested had to force him to check the nappie to let him know it was a boy he then thanked me broke down with joy I saw a light at the end of the tunnel thought things would improve .Things went from bad to worst i finaly cracked was self harming the abuse the rape how john was treating me all came and hit me like a thunderbolt.up until then noone knew about my past only me he didnt know what to say and my mum thought i blamed her so went into self pity mode i the end i just stopped all the drugs the fat american shrink was giving me and fought it myself .1997 pregnant again didnt want it marriage was gone he had slept on sofa since becky was born.lied all the time drank all the time but i dont believe in abortion so jan13th 1998 along came callum was told at 8wks he was deaf and blind i blamed myself because i hadnt wanted him. hes fine now tho thankgod.2002 john is diagnosed with hypertension 6mths later angina told hes got 5yrs if he dont follow docs orders so john being john cus he knows best carrys on doing everything they have told him not to fuck the doctors fuck lynn and fuck the kids was like having 6kids for 3yrs I battled for him to take notice of docs .22nd oct day after anna is 18 he leaves .1st dec he dies my words so rang true why didn’t he listen.he had the last laugh as per normal.the crap carrys on john dying wasnt the last of it 2 days before his funeral phone mum to see about flowers and that she is ready for her flight over had to put phone down she had 2 ambulances there ronnie my step father had had a heart attack so she couldnt attend funeral luckily he pulled through but is still very poorly.january 2006 just when i thought life could throw no more shit my way my 37yr old brother is diagnosed with terminal cancer lymphoma,how could life be so unfair ,april that same year becky gets thrown out of school she has always been a handful but totally went off the rails even to the extent of being violent towards me and her siblings making everyones life in the house hell,but i couldnt give up on her shes my daughter and i know how it feels when people give up on you.her behaviour went from bad to worse you name it she did it drink,drugs shop lifting,police became a regular visitor for missing persons and in she would stroll at 4am not giving a damn that she had kept everyone up worrying,august carly discovers shes pregnant although its not what i had hoped for it was a sign that life goes on in a way something to look forward to.in between all this callum was a very depressed little boy at the age of 8 he tried twice to throw himself out of the window hysterical wanted to go see his dad but thought he could come back to us once he had ,had no concept of what death meant .october i get a call 2am johns eldest son saying he is going to make me pay turns out that johns sister has put it around that i was having an affair a month before we split up the only affair i was having was with a stanley blade ,maybe it was her way of dealing with her own guilt feeding him up the ass with drink knowing full well it could contribute to his death,guess at times like that we all try to blame someone.christmas comes and goes was harder this year had time to dwell as did the kids but we got through it.january carly is rushed into hospital turns out she has pre-eclampsia i even turn to praying that god wont be cruel enough to take my daughter and grandaughter aswel,19th febuary they take her down to delivery (6wks before baby is due)2am there are panic stations her bp has shot through the roof and shes clutching her chest all i can see is my girl dying in front of me,i lose it and tell them to deliver her have never seen so many drugs pumped into someone they wire her up to all these machines the flashbacks come thick and fast of john on the life support,feels like my heart is being ripped out they cant take my baby from me.finally courtney louise is born 4lb 6 but very poorly as is her mum,luckily 2weeks later they both get the all clear.and finally come home,carly is suffering with post natal depression,her and her chap have a physical fight 4wks later so being a mum and doing as i thought was right i step in to stop it,tell her chap to go out and cool off i let him out as carly wouldnt let him go all of a sudden her hands around my throat pinning me against the wall saying how she hates me and that she is never going to speak to me again,i know its not her she has never laid a finger on me before know its the depression im an expert at it after suffering with it for years.beginning of april (2007)my dad rings me he has kidney cancer also clots on his lungs but is really optomistic thinking he will be fine you can survive with 1 kidney.but life such as it is ..........i go to see his consultant with him they cant cut the kidney out the cancer has spread to the local area around it and if they attempt to remove will almost certainly lead to his death so we are given an appointment to see the onchologist a week later.(just last week)there not going to give chemo or rad therapy,but interferon injections which only have a 20%success rate not at curing it but stopping the tumour growing,i ask the docs what dads chances are but dad doesnt want to know so he gives his permission for the consultants to talk to me once he has left the room,i wish i had never asked he could have as little as 6mths left 3yrs at the most but if the cancer has been there as long as they think it has then it is very likely he will be lucky to see christmas.im back to being suicidal again why cant it be me that has the cancer my bro is now refusing treatment,there the only 2 family i have left in plymouth apart from my children,lifes unfair they want to live i want to die but instead i just keep having people taken from me im already in hell because thats all life is.i have fell in love with a guy he has a simular background to me and we just connect even to the point where we know what each other are thinking,but we have never met keep having obstacles put in our way it hurts like hell but we know we are always there for each other no matter what ,its him thats stopping me from topping myself as he says if i do he will and he has so much to live for,
    i just hope i can stay strong enough because at this precise moment i dont want to be part of this life anymore dreading watching my dad and brother die infront of me and theres nothing i can do accept smile so it doesnt upset them.how long can i be this person that nothing phases ?

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  2. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    You've been through quite a lot. I'm surprised you remember it all with such astonishing detail.
  3. lynny81

    lynny81 Member

    hiya erebos all that happened to me was lying dormant in my sub-conscience had shoe boxed it i guess or my brain had,til i had my 1st breakdown it all came back no good memorys just all the bad,the only thing thats stayed shoe boxed is my rapists face(which ive got to say im glad about)i guess im just one of these people that good times dont last long before the next thing in life comes to kick you back down,
  4. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    I hate to use the old pressure building up inside a bottle analogy, but that often seems to be the case. I hope you feel better after letting it out.
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