how long can I endure?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by plenusspei87, Apr 22, 2014.

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  1. plenusspei87

    plenusspei87 New Member

    For those in love, the question „why am I here?“ simply never occurs. They are too busy with being in love, living a life and dancing in the wind. But what about the lonely people, who have no one to share life with? That’s where the question can become so present, that it’s impossible to look away. Having an interesting job, an exciting hobby, nice friends and a loving family can be great, but there comes a point where one is bored of life. There should be more to life, right? But what if not, is it still worth to live? I was looking for a person to share my life with for as long as I can think of. But destiny wouldn’t make me meet that person. So I finally have to face the bitter truth, that it will only become worse within the years, cause all my friends will get more and more busy with moving in with their boyfriends, getting married, becoming mothers, looking after their own families. But not me. I will be the one watching - not playing. And you have to know, whatever I was doing, generally I was in action, I was never the one watching. But here I simply don’t have the power to decide. It is how it is. So for me it’s hard not to give up. To be honest, the only reason why I don’t give up, is for the sake of it. I don’t want to be a quitter. But how long will I be able to endure this?
     
  2. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    your not the only one who feels this way, their are many sad lonely men out their just begging for a chance to be with someone but I doubt types would appeal to you, such is the vicious of cycle of wanting what we can't have and being desired by the unwanted. you want in on the action but suggestion of play just makes it sound like you want to play house.
     
  3. plenusspei87

    plenusspei87 New Member

    Hi Soulreaper,
    No I dont want to play literally, I gave a picture. That's more a metaphor, you know when you watch children on a playground, you have the one playing and then you have the one watching. You can find that later in life, in jobs, in sports, in love... there will always be people who dont know better than watching, instead of "playing". do you understand what I mean?
    So, if you say there are many people who feel the same, my question is: what do they do? do they keep up hope that one day it will change, or do they endure it by beeing sad every day? or do they create a lonely life, trying to make best out of it? I really struggle, it's not that I am single for a couple of years, it's that I have NEVER had a longterm relationship and I am 27 years old.
     
  4. loneland

    loneland Member

    Hello,

    I hear that you feel trapped "watching," as you put it. Although it is difficult to understand exactly what it is going on, several things occurred to me as I read your post. . .

    First, take some time to think about your thinking, if I may say. Are you really just a "watcher," or is that how you've come to "play," yourself in the world? I have felt similarly in my life, but found that I have sometimes pushed people away by being too reserved, or missed relationships with people because I thought of myself as a "watcher," never reaching out to others. Perhaps you have constructed your life too rigidly. Going off that point, 27 years of age is hardly a terminal point to decide you will never have what others seem to have. You're very young. Perhaps you should try to put more of your energy into exploring your world instead of trying to make a lonely life, or simply relentlessly pursue a serious relationship. There are many strange and unexpected things yet for you to experience.

    Second, I have to point out that simply because one is in a long term relationship does not mean one will stop feeling lonely. This has been one of my personal struggles. For me, it is not simply having a significant other that makes me feel less alone. Your statement that those in love never ask themselves about their mortality or existence is simply untrue.

    Third, perhaps you ought to take some very direct action to change your circumstances. If you want a relationship, try online dating or approaching someone at an event. My brother met his long time girlfriend and my cousin met her husband online. They're both in very healthy relationships.

    Good luck. Take care of yourself.
     
  5. plenusspei87

    plenusspei87 New Member

    Hi,
    Thanks for your message. I feel like a watcher because almost all of my closest friends have a relationship and keep telling me “the right one will come – don’t worry”. But deep inside I feel like he is not coming, or lets put it that way: What if he won’t?
    You should know I already tried online-dating, I can be a very social person, small talk is not a problem, but still it wouldn’t work out for me. This is not about loosing hope, this is much more about accepting that I could end up alone – for whatever reasons.
    I see what you’re saying, that could be very true, that having a relationship wont make me stop feeling lonely. I have a poem for you, which is beautiful and just hits the nail on the head:
    “I think we are and will always
    be lonely people in a lonely
    world under lonely stars.
    We can never starve our loneliness.
    We can only hope that by the
    company of others,
    it doesn't devour us.”
    ― Christopher Poindexter

    I just experienced that being happy with another person made me stop having suicidal thoughts. This thoughts were so far away and life finally became a purpose. But I can’t hope that life will take this turn again. So I need to find another purpose in life. It’s hard as I don’t have the energy after all…
     
  6. ava321

    ava321 Active Member

    I know how you feel.. I've completely isolated myself from everybody I once knew. I don't even use social media anymore. As a female.. I am really suffering every day that I have to see all my friends so happy with life and somebody is always having a baby or getting married.. but not me. It just doesn't happen for me. Something always interferes. I have totally lost my ability to feel happy for anybody. I got a wedding invitation from my cousin the other day and cried in bed all night because I just don't get to have my happiness. I too am sick of enduring this. I don't know why I'm here :(
     
  7. AnaNg

    AnaNg Antiquities Friend

    As I am typing this, I am laying in bed beside the most amazing man on the planet. He is supportive, loving, selfless, thoughtful, kind, a fantastic father, generous lover, has a great sense of humour, wickedly smart intellect, and is a pretty good cook too. In short, he is everything I ever wanted in a husband and more -- and yet, as much as he loves me and I love him -- I am still struggling mightily with debilitating depression and lots of suicidal thoughts.

    The thing is, being in a committed relationship is wonderful and does help (to a certain degree) when you're struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, but ultimately, it won't solve the underlying problem. Loneliness is a symptom, not the problem. You can treat symptoms, but until you figure out what the underlying problem is and treat it, the symptoms will recur. I don't know if you are seeing a counsellor or therapist, but I think you really might benefit from that. A trained professional can help you understand what is really making you feel so badly that you're having suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts don't stem solely from being lonely. Loneliness makes them worse and can trigger them, but it's not the root cause. Until you figure out what that root cause is, no amount of companionship is going to heal everything that is ailing you. It may cause the thoughts to leave for a while, but after some time, you may be very content in your relationship and find yourself going down that road again. I know this because it happened with me that way after I met my husband. The struggles lessened a LOT, to the point of almost nothing, for quite a while but eventually, because I didn't address the underlying issues, they reared their ugly head again.

    Please consider talking to a therapist about this. He or she can not only help you uncover the root cause of your suicidal thoughts but also help you discover a different purpose in life that is wholly unrelated to any romantic relationship you might have in the future. You might also benefit from medication (or a change in meds if you're on them already) which a psychiatrist can help you with. You're worth it and it really can help. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. ((((hugs))))

    ~Ana
     
  8. fallen2far

    fallen2far Member

    Forever.

    It could be your whole life. It's a possibility. It's been that way my whole life. Looking back, for me, it was a strange sense of pride of not wanting to settle until I was content and low self esteem that I want good enough for what I wanted. I'm evidence that solitude could be indefinite.

    The truth is daunting. It sucks the life that delusions created for you.

    I can assure you it doesn't have to be. You're right that you don't think about suicide or the abstract concepts like "why" when you're in a relationship. For whatever reason, our brains can only be one consciousness at a time. When we're distracted by love, the questions of why are still there, but for that time, it's diluted with something important. The underlying question is there, though.

    I could give you an answer I came up with for myself, but I think it'd be better if you came up with your own answer.

    It hurts, but I do know a little aspirin that helps.

    Concentrate on one part of you that is great. It could be something physical like your eyes, something about your personality like your intellect or something as innocuous like your knowledge of cats or TV programs from the 90s or something personal like strength or loyalty. This is the hard part: Don't think about what you're not, think about what you are. Make sure it's honest and try to make it simple. Only think about the positive things. For other people is vanity, but right now, it's building a sense of self. (If you're thinking there's nothing, you're not being honest.... you were with someone for a reason. You have friends for a reason. Seek out that reason if you have to). Think of this part of you as a seed. Focus on it and let that pride expand to something else.

    It's supposed to be a kind of Pavlovian response. You focus your mind on something positive, you have a positive response to thinking of yourself. After a while, it builds up self esteem subconsciously over time and makes you more confident. Confidence is the single most important thing to battle depression. It's just a little exercise that works sometimes. I suggest trying it to see if it works.
     
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