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How long can one survive?

#1
Good God, everyday I wake up looking forward to going to bed. I love my husband, my children, my home....have a grand baby on the way, more money than I will ever need, yet the pain of just existing is overwhelming. I have zero motivation to even go food shopping and do the simplest chores. If it wasn’t for my utter fear of burning in hell and the sheer devastation and humiliation that my family would suffer, I would be gone. I just cannot do that to my family, For anyone else who may feel this way, how the heck do you do it....what keeps you going? I have tried prayer, medication, etc.... Is my only hope waiting for a natural end? ’Funny’ thing is that I love everything about my life. Trauma destroyed me 3 years ago,

Thank you.
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#2
I don't understand? If you love everything about your life, why are you so frozen in time. I suspect it has to do with the trauma you speak of last. Would you discuss that trauma with us, or with me privately. I think we can help a lot.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#3
Good God, everyday I wake up looking forward to going to bed. I love my husband, my children, my home....have a grand baby on the way, more money than I will ever need, yet the pain of just existing is overwhelming. I have zero motivation to even go food shopping and do the simplest chores. If it wasn’t for my utter fear of burning in hell and the sheer devastation and humiliation that my family would suffer, I would be gone. I just cannot do that to my family, For anyone else who may feel this way, how the heck do you do it....what keeps you going? I have tried prayer, medication, etc.... Is my only hope waiting for a natural end? ’Funny’ thing is that I love everything about my life. Trauma destroyed me 3 years ago,

Thank you.
Hello,

I am at a loss for words. You seem to have it all. But depression is an illness that does not get fixed by having it all. Does it? I keep thinking that if I wasn’t all alone then I would be healed. Have energy. Be content. You don’t think so though, do you? But I would like that opportunity to find out. At least not be living in constant fear and abandonment while also being ill with depression. Guess we all suffer one way or another. Hold on for your family. They are your purpose in my humble opinion. I really do hope for the best for you. 😊
 
#4
I don't understand? If you love everything about your life, why are you so frozen in time. I suspect it has to do with the trauma you speak of last. Would you discuss that trauma with us, or with me privately. I think we can help a lot.
I do love everything about my life except my head won’t let me fully love it. would rather not speak directly about the trauma but it happened a week before my child’s wedding, distorted my looks (Which to someone with low self esteem was devastating) and then caused me to do things I am not proud of. Frozen in time is exactly correct. No medication will fix that. So I deal with trauma and guilt...not fun.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
i'm sorry that you are suffering from your past trauma. since money isn't a major issue have you considered getting help from mental health professionals? you may not change the trauma but you may be able to learn new skills to deal with it. i hope you start feeling better soon..mike....*hug*hug*shake
 

SillyOldBear

SF grey-haired bear 🐻
Staff Alumni
#6
@Hatingmyselfdaily So sorry your struggle continues. But I admire your strength in going on. In the Bible, the book of James, talks a lot about suffering and how it is supposed to strengthen us and our faith. I read the whole book often. I wish I could say it performed miracles. But I just get minimal comfort from it. I long for death everyday. I only look forward to going to bed. I guess fear of failure is what stops me from suicide. That and the pain it would bring to my family. I really don't have any fantasies of it getting better. I just keep plugging along. Wish I could offer you some better ideas. Please take care.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#7
@Hatingmyselfdaily So sorry your struggle continues. But I admire your strength in going on. In the Bible, the book of James, talks a lot about suffering and how it is supposed to strengthen us and our faith. I read the whole book often. I wish I could say it performed miracles. But I just get minimal comfort from it. I long for death everyday. I only look forward to going to bed. I guess fear of failure is what stops me from suicide. That and the pain it would bring to my family. I really don't have any fantasies of it getting better. I just keep plugging along. Wish I could offer you some better ideas. Please take care.
*hug*hug*shake
 

Lekatt

Love Cats Love All
SF Supporter
#8
I do love everything about my life except my head won’t let me fully love it. would rather not speak directly about the trauma but it happened a week before my child’s wedding, distorted my looks (Which to someone with low self esteem was devastating) and then caused me to do things I am not proud of. Frozen in time is exactly correct. No medication will fix that. So I deal with trauma and guilt...not fun.
OK. Now I understand. Low self esteem is not a life sentence. Living with less than a perfect body is something I have done all my life. I have come to know I am not my body, but a beautiful Being of Light that inhabits it. I have forgiven my imperfections, no one hardly notices them any more anyway. I practice loving myself for just who I am, a perfect creation. Bypassing the body and seeing the Light within is such an amazing moment of discovery. You are that Light. I did affirmations, and learned to love, you can also.
 
#9
i'm sorry that you are suffering from your past trauma. since money isn't a major issue have you considered getting help from mental health professionals? you may not change the trauma but you may be able to learn new skills to deal with it. i hope you start feeling better soon..mike....*hug*hug*shake
I have been to many. I am waiting for a magic pill. I do not mean to be sarcastic...you are very kind for always responding. I am like SillyOldBear....just wait to go to bed...and then do it all over the next day..it stinks.
 

Lady Wolfshead

"Don't fear mistakes. There are none." Miles Davis
#10
I don't know what to add but my heart goes out to you. Depression is not your fault and you can get it even if you have family, love and wealth. Do you have a hobby you enjoy at least? That you get some pleasure from?

I am so sorry to hear about your trauma. It sounds like you have already seen a therapist who specializes in PTSD. I personally suffer from PTSD and I have found doing "grounding" helps (it just takes moments) where I stop and focus on my feet on the ground and my connection to the Earth and take a few deep breaths. It's especially good if you do it with bare feet on grass. Is proven to lower cortisol levels (stress hormone) which can help you feel less tired. It's the 1 thing I do regularly because it's so easy.
 

ib4uib

Well-Known Member
#12
I do love everything about my life except my head won’t let me fully love it. would rather not speak directly about the trauma but it happened a week before my child’s wedding, distorted my looks (Which to someone with low self esteem was devastating) and then caused me to do things I am not proud of. Frozen in time is exactly correct. No medication will fix that. So I deal with trauma and guilt...not fun.
I doubt if their are not many people who have experienced the 'frozen in time' experience. It's like a photograph engrained into the brain and played back sub consciously at any given moment, almost as if we have no control of how and when it's going to flashback.
Yet when you step outside of yourself and play it back without flashing back, in other words bring it back when you get moments of feeling secure, you'll notice parts of it that just don't add up.

For example, you have not intentionally killed somebody and living in a world of guilt, neither have you planted a bomb in a busy place hoping to blow up 200 people.
These scenario's might seem harsh but the fact you love your husband/children/home means more than the trauma itself. I don't want to know what the trauma is but the sooner you understand the 2 examples above then the sooner you can start to move forward without it all hitting you so hard...

Putting things behind you of course is easier said then done, but the past just doesn't exist anymore, allowing yourself to live in the flashback is stopping you from moving on.

So you might of screwed something up, if I had a penny for every screw up I had ever made then I'd be a multi millionaire. If I had a penny for stuff in the past that I feel guilt over, I'd be a multi billionaire.

Guilt serves no purpose except for keeping you frozen in that time. *yes4
 
#13
I doubt if their are not many people who have experienced the 'frozen in time' experience. It's like a photograph engrained into the brain and played back sub consciously at any given moment, almost as if we have no control of how and when it's going to flashback.
Yet when you step outside of yourself and play it back without flashing back, in other words bring it back when you get moments of feeling secure, you'll notice parts of it that just don't add up.

For example, you have not intentionally killed somebody and living in a world of guilt, neither have you planted a bomb in a busy place hoping to blow up 200 people.
These scenario's might seem harsh but the fact you love your husband/children/home means more than the trauma itself. I don't want to know what the trauma is but the sooner you understand the 2 examples above then the sooner you can start to move forward without it all hitting you so hard...

Putting things behind you of course is easier said then done, but the past just doesn't exist anymore, allowing yourself to live in the flashback is stopping you from moving on.

So you might of screwed something up, if I had a penny for every screw up I had ever made then I'd be a multi millionaire. If I had a penny for stuff in the past that I feel guilt over, I'd be a multi billionaire.

Guilt serves no purpose except for keeping you frozen in that time. *yes4
Wow.....awesome response. You are correct...the past does not exist anymore....I am going to do Emdr therapy and I pray a lot that the guilt and shame will somehow leave me and that frozen in time photograph can be torn up and forgotten or at least field away.
You make such wonderful sense....thank you,
 

Nick

☆☆Still Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#14
Wow.....awesome response. You are correct...the past does not exist anymore....I am going to do Emdr therapy and I pray a lot that the guilt and shame will somehow leave me and that frozen in time photograph can be torn up and forgotten or at least field away.
You make such wonderful sense....thank you,
I have heard some really great things about EMDR therapy. It has worked wonders for some people. In your case it sounds like a good option. It would certainly be worth a try. I hope you give it a go and that you get the relief you are looking for.
 
#15
I have heard some really great things about EMDR therapy. It has worked wonders for some people. In your case it sounds like a good option. It would certainly be worth a try. I hope you give it a go and that you get the relief you are looking for.
Thanks....I am hoping so also as I have tried just about everything....meds, prayer, etc.....I am desperately trying to just survive every day and other than a benzo day, every day is mighty difficult. It is no way to ‘live’.
 

Nick

☆☆Still Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#16
Thanks....I am hoping so also as I have tried just about everything....meds, prayer, etc.....I am desperately trying to just survive every day and other than a benzo day, every day is mighty difficult. It is no way to ‘live’.
I really do understand that. I lived in a black hole for many many years. I'm not sure I could really call it living. If you can find a way to climb out of the hole, than that's a great accomplishment.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#17
Thanks....I am hoping so also as I have tried just about everything....meds, prayer, etc.....I am desperately trying to just survive every day and other than a benzo day, every day is mighty difficult. It is no way to ‘live’.
hello

I get it. Do you ever feel like people are like well meaning people that are telling you to do things to help yourself that you have already tried? Several times?
 

Quietus

Well-Known Member
#19
Good God, everyday I wake up looking forward to going to bed. I love my husband, my children, my home....have a grand baby on the way, more money than I will ever need, yet the pain of just existing is overwhelming. I have zero motivation to even go food shopping and do the simplest chores. If it wasn’t for my utter fear of burning in hell and the sheer devastation and humiliation that my family would suffer, I would be gone. I just cannot do that to my family, For anyone else who may feel this way, how the heck do you do it....what keeps you going? I have tried prayer, medication, etc.... Is my only hope waiting for a natural end? ’Funny’ thing is that I love everything about my life. Trauma destroyed me 3 years ago,

Thank you.
I feel you more than you know. I've been dealing with this depression and anger for 20 years, now.

I wake up with the only highlight of my day being a bowel movement (I have chronic digestive issues), and then I look forward to going back to bed that night. One of the reasons I refrained from attempting suicide was also fear of hell/judgment, as well as the idea of botching it and ending up disabled.

Nothing keeps me going, really, I guess except God's will.

I'm sorry you're dealing with trauma, fam.
 
#20
I hear you loud and clear....no med except a benzo has worked for me. I am at the point now, especially where I have a chronic illness, that if I can find the right dr, I will risk addiction to them...quality of life versus quantity.
 

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