How long does someone grieve a suicide?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by k-monkey, Feb 19, 2013.

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  1. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    Suicide is the mechaniism by which we choose to end our suffering. How does that affect others? How about a wife who recently discuovered her husbands sexual addiction and infidelity?
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    A good person grieves forever. Nothing can replace the loss of a loved one. My loss changed my life completely. It changed my interests, it changed my feelings, it changed my occupation, and it changed what I strive for in life. I hurt every second of every day and will do so for the rest of my life.

    How long does someone grieve a suicide? Forever.
     
  3. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    even if you were betrayed by that person. Destroyed the foundation of what you thought you had, your life, your hopes and dreams.
     
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    It would be nice if every question had an answer, however it is inevitable that, with out curiosity, we forever strive for answers. This, unfortunately, is one of those questions to which has no such answer, at least not one that can be laid in stone, like if the World is round or not. Simply because of a little thing like human individuality, experiences, emotions are set to each person's personality and what their connection is to a place, a thing or a person.
     
  5. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    I'm sure that everytime she thinks about a moment from the past 11 years she is forced to think about me. Her entire world reminds her of us and what i've done. the good part of me always was there to lift her up and solve the problems, to protect her. Now i just want to release her from that pain.
     
  6. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Now you are part of the seven billion (plus) souls on the Planet :) No matter who you are, what you have done or even what you may do in the future, everyone, everywhere, retains pieces of memories from everyone they have ever met throughout their life. How strongly, those memories are differ from people to people and even when visual memories fade, they always live on in our minds, which can be triggered years in the future, from such a simple thing like smell, taste, a word, whatever.
    Whatever you have done, it is best never to dwell on it; dwelling is like worrying, in that it takes up so much of your time, that you never get anything done and always end up right back at the start, without an answer to how to deal with it. You mentioned that there were good times, where you were always there to lift her up and protect her when she needed it, so if you can think of that, then she can also. It is up to her to decide how she should use those memories, not you. You should concentrate only on your own well-being.
     
  7. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    I appreciate your kind words but my well being is in par dependant on my relationship with her. That's jsut the way i feel and it means alot to me.
     
  8. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Firstly, your well being should not be dependent on someone else. It is your responsibility to look after yourself, and hers For her. If her world has fallen apart because of that, it doesn't mean she has to contemplate suicide. She needs support to get through and out the other side. To release her from that pain is not something you can do as it sounds like you caused it by your choice of actions. If she forgives you that's her choice, but it would take time.

    My mum lost a parent the day after her 34th birthday, and 3.5 years later her ex-husband walked out. That was after 19 years of marriage, which shows anything could happen anywhen. 16 years on she's still going, working, and is a nan 11 times over. Anything is possible and the future is unexplainable. Losing a loved one in any way is just as bad as losing one by suicide, because it's a death that nothing could have been done about (some are preventable but irrational decisions of an individual can play a part. Accidental, deliberate, or terminal, once taken a life is not replaceable with an exact replica).
     
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    If you wish to make amends, there might be more compassionate ways to do so. Maybe this is what should be a part of your strategy to make her life better
     
  10. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    I just think its better for everyone involved. I know she is in pain and I can't stand that. If she takes me back then ok, I will fight with my life to stay that person she knows. If not than and she wants me out of her life I accept that. I will be out of her life for good. Any pain she feels from my death will pass.
     
  11. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I think your reasons are extremely selfish. Just because she might not want to be with you is not a reason to end it all. You're the one who was in control of your sexual activity, and that's caused her the pain in the first place, so this is your way of avoiding being responsible for your actions.

    It's caused you to be annoyed (you can't stand that she's in pain), but if she doesn't want you in her life, that's a choice she's entitled to make. Its not one for you to decide. You ending your life because you can't stay with her is a bit of a dubious reasoning. It sounds more like you can't handle the fact it's over and you need a therapist to avoid this. Otherwise it comes across that you want some control over her life/love, which you don't have a right to.
     
  12. k-monkey

    k-monkey Member

    I know. thank you.
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Any pain she's feeling now would, no doubt, be amplified if you were to take your own life. That's a different kind of pain, a pain for which there is no cure.
     
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    There really is no straight answer to this question. But going on myself, people I've talked to online, people I've spoken with offline, I shall say the following, everybody grieves differently and in their own time. Some better able to deal with it than others. Some pretending they are okay when they're not. I shall echo what has been said above 'Any pain she's feeling now would, no doubt, be amplified if you were to take your own life'. This statement is very true.
     
  15. oceanview

    oceanview Member

    my mom killed herself when i was 28 and she was 50. i grieved heavily for about 5 years and then i stopped thinking about her every day and sometimes a week or two would go by and i'd realized i hadn't thought about it. now i am 50 and i understand why she did it. aging sucks. being lonely and full of regret sucks. she shot herself in the mouth/head in the back yard of our family home. after 22 years of dealing with this, only now does it begin to make sense and now i kinda sorta feel like i could kill myself too. i have a bit more traveling to do beforehand though. i only wish she would have left a note so my sisters and i would know "why." my parents were long divorced so it didn't affect my dad at all.

    instead of killing yourself, move out, get a new lover and get on with your life. if she's angry enough you cheated on her, she'll probably be glad when you're dead so killing yourself because she doesn't want you back is a huge waste. you cheated on her for a reason. figure out why and go find that freedom to pursue your needs.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2013
  16. Well as a survivor almost three months in I can tell you that my loved one's choice has tore me to shreads. I am suffering Post traumatic stress syndrome. Can't sleep and having nightmares etc. There are no answers, no solutions. A final choice made which I felt was selfish leaving behind a child and an elderly Father who is near his end. What a way to go out huh? My loved one had issues but never and mean NEVER did I think them dead was a better answer. In fact the raw emotion and pain I feel with this choice is far worse then if they had been murdered at someone elses hand It is the worst of the worst and believe you me, the guilt us survivors feel is horrific. That's one of the worst parts of suicide. The person taking their life is desperate and at the end of their rope, however they do not probably understand the irreversable damage that they will impart on the loved ones they leave behind. So not only are you taking yourself out but like a bowling ball your taking about 10 or more so down with you. That's the most shittiest thing about a suicide and why I think it's tabu to so many - it inflicts terrible damgage on the ones left behind. So your wife will be in worse shape with you dead then alive with your flaws (by the way most of us are very flawed nobody is perfect) a perfect world that sure would be nice woudn't it? However it does not exist. IF you see people walking around pretenting to be perfect in a perfect world they are full of shit!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2013
  17. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    This is just going to make things 10 times worse, please don't. She will blame herself for the rest of her life and have a huge lump of un- deserved guilt. You should prove to her that you can overcome your issues that caused this in the first place (ect, getting help) and even if you aren't together now, or in the near future or ever, at the end I think you both would heal from the process.

    Please stay safe x
    Sea
     
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