So I talked to a psychiatrist and she said I have Dysthymia with early onset. My mother has definitely had at least one MDE, I have a poor relationship with my parents, I've had suicidal thoughts almost every day for the last 9 years but have never had a MDE, I've been used and abused, the whole nine. I refused medication, but I'm getting so tired of fighting this on my own. I can't even recall one day where I haven't thought about it, and the vast majority of the time I seriously consider it to the point where it feels like a compulsion. Twice it got so bad that I couldn't fight anymore and I attempted, second time woulda worked without interruption except I didn't take enough. Every time I try to think about my sisters and how this would kill them, but it's been going on for so long that it's not enough anymore. I'm being worn down. The thoughts feel like I'm trapped in a room and the walls are closing in just enough that I can hold them back if I just keep pushing but my arms are getting tired from doing it for so long. Part of the reason I joined here is because I really need some help holding this walls. I don't ever talk to people because the ones that have asked about it just end up leaving me because they can't deal with this. I have no outside support, and it doesn't help that I have a history of losing friends. Eventually I get left behind by everyone because I'm not important in anyone's life. I've gotten to the point where I've almost stopped caring about my friendships because I know I will never have a best friend, and I will never be close or significant to anyone. I spend most of my time alone. I had a best friend, but after I tried to get support from him he told me I was just looking for attention and I should stop wallowing in self pity. He stopped being my friend. I feel alone in crowded rooms, even when I'm with friends, and sometimes I just want to scream for someone to help me. I feel like I'm drowning, but I'm scared to ask anyone for help, and I doubt anyone would anyway. I mean when I was 11 I told my F****** mom about my suicidal thoughts and she brushed it off and told me it was a phase. Who is going to care if my own mother doesn't want to help me? Anyway, I didn't intend for this to be so long, so thank you from the bottom of my heart if you're still reading. Bottom line is, I'm having a harder time convincing myself to live. I'm usually able to cope, but I needed to reach out because I really don't think I have the strength to do this anymore. I'm in serious trouble, but I HAVE to live. I've seen suicide first hand, and I can NOT do that to my family and friends. I don't want to be that person, but I'm so scared that I'm going to do it any day now. I'm just not strong enough. I'd like to ask you guys, how long will this go on? How long have your thoughts gone on? If I know there's an end soon, it might help. Also, has medication worked for anyone? I hear bad things, but it might be the only way I can stop this now. I'm not doing very well on my own anymore... Again, a sincerest thank you to everyone that read.