How long is too long?...

[Gh0st]

It's been almost two years since I tried to commit suicide. It's been 14 years since the first time I thought about killing myself.

The thing that kept me from making an attempt for so long was that I would always tell myself things would get better eventually. Why wouldn't they? I work hard, I'm in really good shape, I treat people with respect, I'm responsible... I'm the guy that does all the things that people are supposed to do, but no matter how hard I try, I can't find a relationship of any kind that makes me happy. Every dirtbag out there who lies, cheats, steals, and does every other dispicable thing in the book seems to be able to find relationships, and even worse... large groups of other dirtbags who do the same things. Yet, I get to be alone and miserable even though I do the things I'm supposed to do. I can't understand why that is the case, and I don't know if there is any way to fix it. Sometimes it seems like I can't find a relationship because I don't lie and play the games that other people do... The fact I don't do those things makes me feel like an outcast in today's world.

Every night before I go to sleep I ask myself why I keep going. Why shouldn't I just kill myself and put me out of my misery. The only answer I ever have is that it just doesn't feel right. I can no longer honestly tell myself that things might get better. I'm 30 yrs old. I haven't had any friends in years. Since I am now going to a university, I won't even have a chance to make friends until I leave grad school (in another 5 yrs) because all the other students and the people I live around are 10-12 yrs younger than me. Even after grad school, there's no guarantee that I will finally find something resembling a "normal" life. Chances are that the lack of social contact for the next five years will only make it more difficult to be social when I leave school.

At what point should I just accept the reality that things will not get better? This is the same cycle that I have been going through for 14 years non-stop with very few exceptions. I can't remember the last time I went a whole day without thinking about suicide. At what point should I accept the reality that out of the billions of "normal" people on the planet, I'm one of the few people who was just meant to turn out this way? Why keep repeating this cycle? This has been my situation since I was 16. What if I don't kill myself and this continues until I die naturally...? Why put myself through that? Life isn't worth living if you don't have more positive days than negatives. Why should I keep going when none of the positives in my life make me happy?

How long is too long?

 

[BipoleShy]

I can relate quite strongly with what you're saying. About social difficulties, and wondering when enough is enough.

Unfortunately, I have just as many questions as you. I'm seeing a therapist, which I hope will help. But if it doesn't......

Do you have the ability to see a therapist? I know what its like to feel the way you feel (to an extent). Besides death, therapy seems like the only thing that can possibly provide a way out. Maybe it'll help you.

Sorry you're going through this right now. Just don't rely too much on your assumptions. Who knows? For what its worth, until you've lived those 5 years, anything can happen. Don't give up just yet.

 

[Gh0st]

I don't have the ability to see a therapist. Even if I did, I probably wouldn't bother with it again. The only thing I ever got from therapy was someone to talk to. I would sit down and talk about all my problems and the therapist would make me feel better about the situation. After I would leave the office, I would realize how pathetic it was that I was basically paying someone to be my friend, and that just made me feel worse.

The only way I will ever feel better is if I can find people who I enjoy being with that don't know that I tried to knock myself off. I want to find friends who genuinely like me and who are not just there to tolerate me out of charity. The only way that can happen is if they don't know I'm suicidal, but it is so hard to make friends when you think about suicide so much.

Most people make conversation by talking about random stuff that is on their mind. How can I do that when the random stuff on my mind is usually stuff like, "How long would you wait to kill yourself?" or "Last night, I was thinking about the time I cut myself and lost so much blood that I went into shock. What did you do last night?". Sometimes I overhear people talking about something screwed up that they did to someone else and I want to say to them, "How can you be that way? You're the one who deserves to be alone, miserable, and suicidal. Why aren't you?" Usually, that sort of thing will make me furious. Especially, when I wonder who the schmucks are that accept these people as their friends. I guess that's just one more thing that supports my theory that even dirtbags can find other groups of like-minded dirtbags to have fun with.

Even worse, I hate it when people ask me about what I am doing for the holidays or when they ask me what I did last weekend. What do you say to those questions? The question I really hate trying to answer is, "How did you get that scar on your arm?"

I sure as hell am not going to say that I am going to spend the holidays alone while trying to not think about suicide. I can't say that the scar on my arm is from a suicide attempt. Those just aren't good ways to establish healthy relationships.

 

[BipoleShy]

I don't have the ability to see a therapist. Even if I did, I probably wouldn't bother with it again. The only thing I ever got from therapy was someone to talk to. I would sit down and talk about all my problems and the therapist would make me feel better about the situation. After I would leave the office, I would realize how pathetic it was that I was basically paying someone to be my friend, and that just made me feel worse.

I see what you mean. They didn't offer you any help besides just listening?

The only way that can happen is if they don't know I'm suicidal, but it is so hard to make friends when you think about suicide so much.

True. Its kind of like trying to blend in at a fancy party when you're covered in horse shit. Sorry for the terrible analogy.

Sometimes I overhear people talking about something screwed up that they did to someone else and I want to say to them, "How can you be that way? You're the one who deserves to be alone, miserable, and suicidal. Why aren't you?" Usually, that sort of thing will make me furious. Especially, when I wonder who the schmucks are that accept these people as their friends. I guess that's just one more thing that supports my theory that even dirtbags can find other groups of like-minded dirtbags to have fun with.

You hit the nail right on the head here. This sort of thing absolutely pisses me off. Although, I usually see it from the other end. I might be friends with one or two people out of a bigger group who are nice decent people, and I'll hear about the way those people I'm friends with get mistreated like they get no respect from some people. But those assholes are still part of the group, and in fact it seems like some people like being treated like garbage. Its extremely frustrating, if nothing else because I'm too anxious to break into the group at all and I have to sit and listen to stories about it.

Even worse, I hate it when people ask me about what I am doing for the holidays or when they ask me what I did last weekend. What do you say to those questions? The question I really hate trying to answer is, "How did you get that scar on your arm?"

I don't know. I still haven't come up with a good way to address those questions myself besides, "Nothing interesting." I don't have any visible scars, but I get questions like that, and there just isn't an easy way to answer them. What do you say when people ask about the scar?

I sure as hell am not going to say that I am going to spend the holidays alone while trying to not think about suicide. I can't say that the scar on my arm is from a suicide attempt. Those just aren't good ways to establish healthy relationships.

Its almost like, even though you're surrounded by people, they're miles away. It seems impossible to get where you need to be. At least that's what its like for me sometimes.

I don't know what else to say. When you're depressed your options are limited. But to answer the general question, I think you should hold on, if only a little longer. I just think it would be a waste if you gave up now. :mellow: For what its worth, you seem like one of the good ones.

 

[marapets2]

Theres always people out there who Im sure would be willing to help you out

 

[Gh0st]

Theres always people out there who Im sure would be willing to help you out

I know there are, but there are a couple of problems with that. To get regular people to "help" me, I have to advertise, "I suffer from major depression, please help me..." I am simply not going to do that. That solves no problems and creates a lot more. No one knows that I think about suicide, and that is how I am going to keep it. I want to know that people are with me because they want to be, not because they feel sorry for me and not because it gives them the feeling that they are fulfilling some moral duty of their's.

As for professional help, it simply doesn't work in my case. I've been on meds and I've been to counseling. The meds didn't work at all and counseling only allows me to vent. Those things won't help me make the changes I need to be the kind of person who people want to be with. I have to make those changes myself, but I don't have any clue what those changes are. If I need to get in better shape, I can go to the gym. If I need to make more money, I can work hard and get an education. If I need to make good grades, I can study harder. If I need a likeable personality, what do I do?

I am the way I am because of how I feel. I feel the way I feel because of my experiences in this world. If I don't have more positive experiences, the way I feel won't change. Therefore, the way I naturally am won't change either, which in turn makes it less likely to have positive experiences with other people.

The question is how do I get to have positive experiences with other people? The answer is that I have no control over that, because that depends on the other people actually liking me. Understandably, it is hard for other people to like being with me when I "look" like someone they don't want to be around. I guess I could just tell them, "I don't hate you. I am not really as angry as I look. I just look this way because I have evolved to the point that I don't trust the people around me and my natural feeling is that I won't like you. Will you please hang around and talk to me long enough to prove me wrong and give me at least a little faith in other people? If you prove that you are trustworthy, I might even relax and have fun around you. After that, you might like me too."

I really don't think another person would be to receptive of that. As much as I would like to be able to engineer the beginning of a relationship that way, I obviously would fail miserably if I said those things. Unfortunately, the things I need to get me to relax around people and be more likeable are things that just have to happen on their own. At what point do I stop waiting for them to happen and accept that they are not going to?