It's been almost two years since I tried to commit suicide. It's been 14 years since the first time I thought about killing myself. The thing that kept me from making an attempt for so long was that I would always tell myself things would get better eventually. Why wouldn't they? I work hard, I'm in really good shape, I treat people with respect, I'm responsible... I'm the guy that does all the things that people are supposed to do, but no matter how hard I try, I can't find a relationship of any kind that makes me happy. Every dirtbag out there who lies, cheats, steals, and does every other dispicable thing in the book seems to be able to find relationships, and even worse... large groups of other dirtbags who do the same things. Yet, I get to be alone and miserable even though I do the things I'm supposed to do. I can't understand why that is the case, and I don't know if there is any way to fix it. Sometimes it seems like I can't find a relationship because I don't lie and play the games that other people do... The fact I don't do those things makes me feel like an outcast in today's world. Every night before I go to sleep I ask myself why I keep going. Why shouldn't I just kill myself and put me out of my misery. The only answer I ever have is that it just doesn't feel right. I can no longer honestly tell myself that things might get better. I'm 30 yrs old. I haven't had any friends in years. Since I am now going to a university, I won't even have a chance to make friends until I leave grad school (in another 5 yrs) because all the other students and the people I live around are 10-12 yrs younger than me. Even after grad school, there's no guarantee that I will finally find something resembling a "normal" life. Chances are that the lack of social contact for the next five years will only make it more difficult to be social when I leave school. At what point should I just accept the reality that things will not get better? This is the same cycle that I have been going through for 14 years non-stop with very few exceptions. I can't remember the last time I went a whole day without thinking about suicide. At what point should I accept the reality that out of the billions of "normal" people on the planet, I'm one of the few people who was just meant to turn out this way? Why keep repeating this cycle? This has been my situation since I was 16. What if I don't kill myself and this continues until I die naturally...? Why put myself through that? Life isn't worth living if you don't have more positive days than negatives. Why should I keep going when none of the positives in my life make me happy? How long is too long?