How Long Now?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Feb 28, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I've just blogged about this but I will write about it again here's all distractions isn't it?

    What I was getting at is that the more and more I feel like this the more I feel like jacking it all in. The more appealing being sectioned feels. Or becomming an alcoholic bum. I wouldn't have to confine myself to the strict rules and regulations of a normal society. I mean, say for instance I was sectioned. How easy would it then be to give up? To actually not care anymore. To withdraw myself from the normal population. I woudn't care what people think. I feel that it would be a hell of a lot easier than what is going on now. Why don't I just take the easy option?

    The constant fighting is making me so bloody angry. I have all this pent up aggression that usually comes out in the form of self harm. I am sick of being in conflict with myself. I try and push the suicidal thoughts away but they do come back. I fantasise about suicide and self harm. That's pretty screwed up right?

    I just want to run away and become an alcoholic bum....I want to run away and not care. I want to stop caring about what every one thinks and stop fighting. I am over thinking things which doesn't help. But I can't control my thoughts.

    I'm frustrated. I am angry. I am sad but I don't know what the hell for! I like science. I like medicine. I want to be medicated. If medication treats it and it goes away the problem is medical right? I am confused. Above all I am tired!!!!
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Golden Psych

    what you shared are some of my thoughts at times too.

    im not sure how crazy it is to fantasize about suicide. i find myself doing the same, as a way to get through the day sometimes. and i think i do this because then i dont have to worry or deal with things. so they become insignificant in a way and that helps me as stupid as it sounds.

    i, too, long to run away, to escape. and i think too this is part of the suicide fantasy. sure, there have been times when i am not just fantasizing but seriously considering and more..... but mostly, to escape - its the thoughts of it.

    i am sorry you are feeling as you are, as folks here say, hopefully it'll pass until things become a little brighter. its a cliche but there is truth in it, even though if im at a dark place and i read something like that i will disagree!

    i will over think and over analzye until the cows come home, i am tired of doing this also. and im not in a great place mysellf right now so for me to be typing this is a little contradictory and silly.

    what can you do to distract your mind? something that is fun and that you enjoy? whatever it is, go do that.

    take care of yourself.
  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about being contradictory. I do it all the time. If you look at my replies to people etc. I need to practice what I preach. I am the patient/service user I hate working with. I over think things about what would I be saying. Why can't I follow peoples advice. Like what Dr T said when he was challenging me. I say I want help, I go to appointments, I say I want this this and this doing yet when it comes down to it when I need the help the most it's when I don't look for it. He keeps telling me what I should be doing but I wont do it. There are a number of reasons why. But how can I expect to be helped when I wont accept it!
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    yeah well today it was suggested i do an outpatient intensive thing, talk about freaking me out....

    i find it hard, as anyone with depression does, to be motivated to do these things for ourselves

    well please dont be quiet, tell them you need help if you feel that way

    and take care.
  5. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    You've become comfortable in your own depression, it's a struggle to rectify that but it can be done. You know yourself that it is much easier to preach than to practice, if you look at it that way it makes a lot more sense.

    Have you actually said in appointments that you struggle to help yourself? I don't know what the current situation is with your folks...last I remember was that they were unaware of problems, it might be time to look to them for support...Here if you wanna talk it through...

    Don't Panic

    It can get better
    Huge Hugs,
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Parents still don't know and they are not going to. They wouldn't actually be supportive. They are more of a hinderence than a help. I just keep out of their way to make sure I don't snap at them. They make jokes at my expence about me being miserable etc and it really gets to me. I try and make things seem ok but I can't always do that.

    I wouldn't say I am comfortable. I am tired. I have had enough and I am thinking it would just be easier to jack it all in and give up and stop the fight.

    I have counselling on Wednesday. I suppose it's something I can discuss with her then. Along with the section 136 and all the other crazy crap that has gone off in the 12 days since I saw her!
  7. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Certainly bring it up in counselling - being able to get things done is a key part of recovery in my view. By comfortable I meant being aware that you're taking negative choices and considering them the only viable ones when that's not the case.

    Your parents strike me as an example of this - you have a preconception about them, which may be perfectly reasonable and turn out to be true, but by excluding them you put yourself under even more undue stress and pain.

    At the end of the day you are a fully fledged adult so they have no legal hold over you. Remember that.

    You need to be able to give yourself some sort of support network, fighting this thing alone only gets harder and eventually you crack, you have support through counselling but that's only one person who you don't see as often as you would like.

    Just a thought

    Keep talking
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I understand what you are saying. It's not a preconception I hold about my parents. It's how they are.

    How I am is I have never talked about my feelings with anyone. I know I need a support network. I know that the one person I talk to the counsellor is not good enough...not in the fact she is not good as she is great but it's not good enough only having one person.

    Hopefully I will get a key worker or a CPN soon so I will have someone else.
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