How long to wait before you start dating new people?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by SS1, Aug 4, 2016.

  1. SS1

    SS1 Member

    I am in the middle of my divorce, I see no signs of reconciliation with my spouse. Is it a good idea to start seeing new people casually to help with the heartbreak ? Does it help ?
     
  2. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    Everyone handles things differently. My take on it is if you're not in a good space with yourself why try and add in another person at this stage? I've been separated for 18 months now, and sure it would be nice to meet someone, but I am not going to actively look. I need this time and space for myself. Often I see people jump into relationships very quickly after a separation...sometimes it seems to me they do so because they can't stand being alone, ie. to fill a gap, not because they've found someone who adds something extra to an already whole/complete person/life.
    Am I lonely? Often. Miserably so. Do I think finding a new partner is the best way to fix this? No.
    In terms of casual relationships, they are not for me, but only you will know if they do/will help you and add joy or happiness to your life. If it feels right for you then you should go ahead.
     
    SS1 and SinisterKid like this.
  3. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hi, I am Mox,

    I would ask your attorney first. Your attorney is an expert on this and you may not see the pitfalls if you start dating anew before the divorce is finalized.

    Once your attorney says its ok, I would recommend taking your time and having some fun and figuring out who YOU are now and what do YOU want in your next relationship.

    Take Care of Yourself
     
    Deety likes this.
  4. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    Btw, the reason I'm not divorced yet is it takes 2yrs where I live. Also, there would be no legal implications for me dating at this point, it is just personal choice.
     
    AlexiMarie7 likes this.
  5. SS1

    SS1 Member

    Thank you, I get your point. I can't stand being alone as it feels lonely and scary at times, but at this point it would not be the smartest move. As far as casual dating goes, I am not sure if casual dating is for me, cause WHAT IF I feel attracted to the person and he doesn't feel the same way ? And as it would be a no-string kind of thing I would not be able to express how I feel to that person.

    And if I am just hooking up with a person, I might feel good or desirable for a night or for a while but what after that ? That feeling would pass and I would be miserable again.

    I generally don't go out any more, whatever friends I had here were our mutual friends. So the only way to get out there looking for new relationship is through dating sites like Tinder etc. I have not been single in the last 5 years, so I am not sure how it is any more.
     
  6. SS1

    SS1 Member

    Yup should not risk any thing before talking to a lawyer.
     
  7. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    My understanding is Tinder is used a lot for hook ups and such. Maybe something like e-harmony? I know going through a divorce really hurts and sometimes it makes you question yourself (Did I do something wrong?, Is it All my fault?) That is why maybe take some time for yourself and make sure you are not rushing into something just because you are scared. Take your time
     
  8. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Follow your heart and your instinct. Listen to your inner self, it will guide you in the right direction of what is right for you. Its not about what we would do, we are not you. We can offer you opinion after opinion on this and still nothing is right for YOU, only you know that. You give a hint at some of your feelings and emotions about the subject in one reply and thats why I am saying what I am saying. Who knows what you might find if you do decide to start looking? Sometimes you just have to dip a toe in the water to see if its cold or not.

    I hope you manage to find a suitable way forwards with this. There are no right or wrongs here. Just trust yourself to do the right thing for you. Sometimes, just one evening out, a decent meal, good company and a goodnight kiss can make the world feel like a better place. It can be purely platonic, that does happen.
     
  9. I think that you should carefully consider all of the matters in play before making a decision. I think there are other things that could be a better coping mechanism though than seeing someone else. Maybe taking up a hobby or something like that while waiting for things to settle? I agree that most of all you should take care of yourself
     
  10. SS1

    SS1 Member

    I will go with my gut feeling...I would not chase love i will let it come to me :)
     
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Just have fun and relearning the dating scene without any expecations just make it clear your just out to enjoy it as some people are so intent on not being the rebound or sooo hung up on the marriage aspect of it and consider it cheating. Some people are soo weird/too religious but making it clear weeds them out faster and less time wasted. Enjoy!
     
  12. SS1

    SS1 Member

    I don't think I can even do it, every time I see my soon to be ex-husband I realize how madly i am in love with him. I am not sure if I will even settle down in my life again because no one will be good enough as my reference (my husband) as he has set the bar really high. I will never be happy again, will never feel loved again.
     
  13. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Everyone is different with those stuff. If you're not ready to move on then don't need to worry about dating but focus on healing yourself and maybe divorced friends can give you an insight or a divorce support group even Therapy if you want to explore that kind of stuff to help you along the way.
     
  14. SS1

    SS1 Member

    I don't even have friends who are close to my age who are married, let alone divorced friends.