How long will this last??? I cant take it anymore. Theses long days at home just waiting... Waiting for therapy is the same as waiting to die. I sit alone on my couch and there is no difference. The pills are my fear, I do not fear dying. The pain is the worst, I fear the pain. But I need the pain to make me see what is real and that I still have controle over something. So tired of crying, of not understanding, of not living in a body that is alive. Nothing is changing, No one see's inside of me. I can scream as loud as I want but no one hears me. I am completely empty, there is nothing left for me here. I am so tired of going over and over the same things again. Telling different doctors my issues, no one gets it. My family is afraid of me, my friends have vanish. Love doesn't exist, no real contact is possible. My life has been paused for years. I am in a picture frame and cant get out . People wont let me get out of it, unless I am that happy person that they are. I dont remember the last time I was happy. I remember smiling to please others, but it was just a mask. They just keep on telling me to hang on....but I am tired, I dont have the energy anymore, it hurts so bad. They have no idea what it has done to me to carry this pain around for years. They have no idea what it is like to walk in my shoes, no book can teach you pain. I dont believe in hope anymore, life is unreal, death is real.