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How many can relate to this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jackson04, Jul 27, 2008.

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  1. jackson04

    jackson04 Member

    I'm pretty tired right now so I hope that this is coherent for you all to understand. Maybe this will be food for thought for some!

    I guess my the root of my depression comes from my inability to connect with people. Part of the problem is that just lack the experience with developing close relationships, and the other part of the problem is just lack of desire to connect with people. For the most part socializing has become pretty boring, and isolating myself is also pretty boring haha. I'm not sure why socializing bores me, but it just does. Maybe some of ya'll feel that way, too. You might be wondering why I'm posting this on a suicide forum since it doesn't sound that I'm very desparate? I guess I don't want to reach a point of utter hopelessness in my life, and given my current indifference with life right now I'm kinda on that path. I hate to fail, and whenever I don't live up to my expectations, which I do try to keep realistic, I get depressed. This kinda explains why I typically try to avoid socializing.

    Anyways, I've been seeing a couple therapists to help me sort out my feelings and problems. The problem, though, is that they're preaching to the choir haha! They really don't have any earth-shattering advice that makes rethink my outlook on life. Most of what they say is common sense. I bet most of ya'll probably feel this way with your therapists. It's cool though they got a tough job listening to all of their patients talk about their problems. I gone down the medication route like many of you guys and gals. It takes willpower to get through depression not medication.

    Unfortunately I really don't have the willpower either. Being accused of not having enough willpower doesn't bother me because I know that the majority of people depressed or not depressed lack the willpower to overcome depression when the odds are against you. If some jerk-off runs up to any of you guys and harangues you for not having enough willpower to beat depression, just laugh at them and say the they probably have as much willpower as you do. They're just the beneficiary of a better extenuating circumstances. If this doesn't make sense, people that have willpower are those that have gone farther than an average person under similar circumstances (for instance my dad made something out of himself out of nothing) and of course anybody serving or who has served in the military. If you're wondering why I went off on a tangent, it makes me mad to hear people accuse people who suffer from depression of lacking willpower. YOU'RE NOT WEAK! Don't let any jag-bag tell you that you are!

    For me I have made my peace with God, death, and my life. The only thing that I can't come to terms with is the awful pain and violence associated with suicide. It's such an unnatural act, but I feel like this is my natural course. Once a person loses motivation to do something they move on. I've never really had the sustained motivation to accomplish difficult goals, and the goals that I have accomplish in my life I've derived little satisfaction from. The only thing that motivates me is to do just enough to get by and honestly that's not a fulfilling way to live. This is my temperament. I see it as a sign to move on. Thoughts?

    I know it's kind of taboo here, but how do others here overcome their fears?
  2. Forget It

    Forget It Member

    I have the exact problem. In social environments, especially college for me, I go in with a positive attitude thinking I want and will meet many great people and form close friendships. After a few weeks with new people, I develop a general idea of who they are. It's around this time I lose interest in meeting these people or developing friendships with those I've hung out with. At the same time, I see people hanging out with one another having a good time and it depresses me because I want to be with them. But when I'm with them, I'm bored. It's a vicious cycle and it never gets easier.

    I think it has to do with introversion. I lose energy when I'm in large groups or unfamiliar people, except in rare cases. Introversion is not encouraged in modern society. Every one strives to have a million friends and to participate in as many social activities as they can. However, modern society also values quantity over quality.

    The modern individual has no idea what willpower is.

    You can't overcome fear. Fear is part of the natural world. You can only embrace it. In doing so, you'll avoid denial and illusion.
  3. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    I don't have any meaningful relationships. I don't have anyone I see each day, anyone I am completely comfortable just talking to without feeling anxiety. I always keep myself at arms length from people. I am like an eternal acqaintance - I know lots of people, but nothing more than a brief stop and talk, where each party only shows what they want the other to see - nothing real.
  4. hare

    hare Active Member

    i can relate to the longing to be more socially active. i've never been in any sort of crowd. i usually have 1-3 friends at a time, and only one of them it doesn't take an effort to talk to. it's not bad to be bored by social situations. they are boring! the first stages of friendship are hell, and most people just pretend to enjoy them i think. you don't have to feel like such an outsider for feeling this way. social situations are awkward and boring. friendships are interesting, but it can be exhausting to get to that point. but it doesn't always have to be. i think the most important thing when it comes to socializing is honesty. if people recognize you're being upfront and straight forward, they'll either admire you or follow your example.
  5. Dead Alive

    Dead Alive Active Member

    Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I relate to what you wrote... but my death is gonna screw up other people's lives. Many will have guilt issues the rest of their lives if I do it, some may even become suicidal themselves, following my example.

    Knowing this... I fear God. I am responsible for my actions, and if I die this way, then I chose not to trust God and I chose to end it all before giving God the chance to set things straight. I would face Him knowing this. That scares me to the bone.

    At the same time, life is very difficult for me. There are days I just can not hold on and plead for God's mercy. I been living this song and dance for many years. Believe me I am tired emotionally too.

    My therapist says I am the strongest person she has ever known. I say... I am the weakest and most frail... but my life is in God's hands. Should I live... I will try to serve the Lord... should I die... then I will hold my head in shame as I stand at the throne of heaven for all eternity. May God have mercy on our souls.
  6. jackson04

    jackson04 Member

    I'm in the school of thought that your relationship with God is a give and take and is unique for every person. Following a strict guideline of rules shouldn't be what a relationship with God is all about. In my opinion, there are healthier ways to have a relationship with God. Using God as an reason to live, though, is very good. When it comes to morale codes, I choose to follow only one; the Golden Rule. "Treats others the way you want to be treated." The most difficult thing about comtemplating suicide is that it'll hurt the people that I love. I'm at the age, though, where I realize that I'm now my own man.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 27, 2008
  7. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I'm the polar opposite.

    I'm considered outgoing and fun to be around. Strangers will feel compelled to tell me their deepest problems......friends think I am a riot.....I was a STAR when I was in sales.......I'm a magnet for people yet if they knew the REAL life I lived, it would be shattering.....

    Ironically, when I am struggling, everyone hides.....or simply doesn't ask.

    yet again, I don't want them to ask b/c I am spiraling down fast.....it's a level I am comfortable with.
  8. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I'm the same as Pinkpetals.
    Couldn't appear happier in most social environments, everyone says how nice and fun i am to be around and i'm like resident agony aunt but the minute i get a bit depressed or not 'fun' anymore they're gone.
    Meh :/
  9. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Sure thing Cerise.

    I think to some degree other people are just as responsible for the depression/suicide as the sufferere themselves. I feel like my friends,famiy etc are dependent on my making them feel good and when I don't, the flee or become disappointed.
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