How Many Times Can I Cheat Death?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PainEngulfsMe, Jan 12, 2008.

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  1. PainEngulfsMe

    PainEngulfsMe Active Member

    I don't really know where to begin, and let me say this will most likely be the longest, and most boring post anyone will read.

    Currently it's 6am. I can't sleep, I'd like to, but being a so called addict which i can explain later, i cant get any kind of prescription sleeping pills.

    I've decided to post a semi-life story, although i will leave some parts out otherwise this post wont end.

    I'm 18, going on 19.

    My life has been crap in my opinion, but just when i think it cant get any worse, it always does.

    I feel my life went downhill around 6th or 7th grade. My best friend Scott was very popular, i was too. But Scott quit the local baseball team, and joined one a town over because it was better. From then on everyone on school hated him, i stayed by his side, lost all of my friends. Life got shitty, but i moved on. I played on 4 different soccer teams, 2 traveling, ayso, and a local club.

    To my terrible luck 8th grade summer, right before highschool i got a hemotoma in my stomach falling off of my bike when i was showing my neighbor's dad where his daughter fell and broke her arm.

    Dr's suck, insurance wouldnt remove my hemotoma because it will go away naturally, so it was considered a cosmetic surgery, even though anything could make it rupture or bleed more and get worse, so i had to quit soccer for 1-2 seasons. I sat out freshman year, went back to try n play, pulled a muscle, found out i was flat footed, and quit sports for life.

    Sophmore year i started seeing a chiropractor for my back which always hurt.
    I had never really drank or done any drugs in my life at this point.
    But around xmas time sophmore year my dad broke his leg, so i stole a few vicodin and quickly realised how great they made me feel. I had a good week or so of joy taking 2 vicodin each morning before school. I should of known at this point that i can easily become an addict, i didnt learn tho.

    Constantly being depressed due to lack of friends, not being able to play sports, not having a girlfriend some of the time always made it worse, so anyways i live the year out.

    Jr year is where it all went down hill. I started going to physical therapy / Dr's , they couldnt find why my back hurt, but kept giving me various crappy pain killers, none of them worked, finally after 5 months of different doctors, and shitty med's, the worst was ultram which made me lost 30 lbs in a week. Finally i was givin a steady dose of vicodin es and flexeril, i could take 3 of each per day.

    I remember driving home after getting my first vicodin perscription, i was the happiest i have EVER been in my life, i remember driving home in my dad's convertable blasting venga boys, 'we like to party'

    I forgot to mention while on the 5 months of various crap meds : ultram, darvocet, codeine, 800mg ibuprofen, robaxin, flexeril, cymbalta, i quickly got annoyed and tired of being in pain, so i started mixing various shitty pill combos that i thought were helping my pain, but now when i think back i realise i just did it to sedate myself and escape reality.

    After a few weeks of being on vicodin, i quickly became tolerant, it didnt work at all. I kept telling the DR's it wasn''t helping anymore, and instead of changing my dose or changing the drug, he switched my medication from vicoprofen 7.5/200mg to vicodes es 7.5/750 mg, which is the exact same amount of the narcotic.. just switched ibuprofen with tylonal... that pissed me the fuck off alot.

    Now prolly around here i started smoking weed. Sadly the reason i started pot even tho i was ALWAYS against it, would swear to myself that i'd never do it, even when i was young id say god kill me if i ever do pot. But, prolly 3 days a week id goto this girls house, who i must say i absolutly despised, i treated her like shit, just smoked , ate her food, got a bj, and left.

    So back to my life, here's where shit really hits the fan, its the end of my JR year now, and i had just got my prescriptions refilled. I had 60 Vicodin ES , and 90 Flexeril 10mg. It was monday night, i took 6 of each, went out, dont remember what happened, woke up in my backyard at 5 am. Snuck inside, passed out. Woke up, was still prolly out of it, parents didnt notice. Took 8 more vikes, and 8 more flexeril. I went to school

    First period - was history, we were in the computer lab, i always took pills before school, so teachers were used to me sleeping or kinda tired, but this time i had done it. I couldnt stay awake. I kept falling asleep at the computer, then i made my way up to second period, thank god - it was my service project and i could sleep. I got in, and put my head down. I thought it was only a few seconds, but it was really 5 minutes. The teacher, who was an awsome friend of mine was tappin on my shoulder sayin mike, your girlfriends in the hall crying. I was out of it, he could tell, i couldnt walk on my own or talk at this point. I go in the hall, she's telling me how fucked up i was, i couldnt even focus my eyes . After much bitching by her and my teacher, i went to nurses. I have no memory of this, but teacher and gf said i fell down the stairs multiple times. After a nap @ nurses, i went to my last 2 classes, same shit i was out of it, in out door education i slept while pitching tents. kept going in and out of conscientiousness.

    I guess the consolor called my mom, and said i was out of it, i just kept saying that my new medication was having a bad reaction, since it was the first time taking vicodin and flexeril together.

    My mom said i'd never abuse drugs, so i get home. I took more pills, 6 more of each. And had to goto some ceromony for my brother w/ my gf. I was drunk like throughout it all, and kept falling asleep again.

    The next day my parents count my pills, it ended up being like 24 vicodin and 30 flexeril i took in 20 hours. Cant believe i lived through it, but i did.

    I stopped getting all medication from the DR's, as my mom was pissed and didn't care i was in pain.

    Wow this is long.

    So.. Sr year.. yah pretty much just tons of pot smoking, and hating life.

    This year, first semester, college. It started out alright. Made many friends, joined a frat, but my roomate was a dick and we didn't get along

    Few weeks into college, i took 20 xanax, 20 tylonal 3, and 20 vicodin at once, went in a 40 hour coma, never went to hospital, felt out of it for 3 fuckin days after it happened w/ no memory of it. I lived.

    Next bad event, i get drunk w/ a buddy, had half a handle of skul, blacked out, no memory of this, just what police reports / friends say.

    I got into a fight w/ a buddy of mine who was black out drunk too, but he was a good bit bigger.. me being 5'6 150 and him being 6'1 210+ , wrestler, in the army. I woke up in the hospital, i dont remember the hospital at all, but appearantly i had a 2.8 blood alch lvl, .08 is legal, .4 = dead , it wasnt poisining, i guess i went to hospital cuz i got beat up so bad.

    From what people say we fought in his dorm, a girl tried to bring me to her room , a girl i didn't want nor like, thank god i didnt make it. A hall director saw me, and i guess i ran, then got tackled in a parking lot by a cop, cuffed, put in ambulance, uncuffed, taken to hospital.

    Parents picked me up from college next day, then stayed home 2 days and went back.

    Then i got more xanax, took 11 mg's of xanax at once, blacked out, beat up 6 kids on my floor, i don't know how, because a toddler could kick somones ass who's black out on xanax, im not that tough at all. I puked all over my dorm bed, called home crying in the morning, and left college.

    Left it for good, didnt withdraw, wasted the 9,000 i took out in a loan..

    So im home from college, 2 days later my mom finds out im a pothead, found 2 ounces of cali kush (700$ worth of bud), some bad ass pot i got from my frat before i left.

    she flushed it, made me quit. It lasted 2 days, i started up, and have been smoking since then every day a gram a day until today.

    So i sat at home for the rest of the semester smoking pot every day to get by. I'm immune to pot now, as in, i can smoke bowl after bowl, and you'd never no, i dont even get munchies anymore.

    today, sat, jan 12th, i have no money left, i drained my bank account, im out of pot, have no car, no job, and am supposed to start JR college on monday.

    I have no life left in me, nothing brings me joy, not even pot anymore, which i dont have.

    Whats left to do? i mean im not dumb, i know how to end my life, i think anyone can walk in front of a train or crawl out a window.
  2. PainEngulfsMe

    PainEngulfsMe Active Member

  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I think the first thing you need to do is get treatment for your addiction. People become addicted to pain pills and have difficulty surviving without them. It sounds to me like you were misusing them. It is a place to start. I know you have medical issues to deal with, but you can learn how to handle them in a different way than by abusing drugs. It will not be easy I know. It depends on you. Ending your life is not the answer. It sounds as if you had many things going for you at one time. You can have them again. Maybe not in the same way, but I am sure there are things you can succeed in. Set your goals and strive to achieve them. Have faith in yourself.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Definetly your first port of call is the docs to deal with your addiction once you have that under control you will be able to think clearly again as to how life suddenly took such a wrong turn.
    There are alternative treatments for the back pain, look into some of the alternative medicines such as physio and acupuncture.
    It may well seem like life is in the toilet at the moment, but you are young and can start afresh. Get off the drugs, see a counsellor to talk thru what happened and why (thereby avoiding the same mistakes) and really be honest with your mum about how you are feeling and how its all gone pear shaped, she must be worried sick and will want to help.
  5. PainEngulfsMe

    PainEngulfsMe Active Member

    im going to my dr on next thursday for my back, the old dude retired, its a new guy, hopfully i can get a real painkiller perscription, so i dont have to buy em. but i met a cool guy in my english class who broke his back in the army, and he gets morphine, i bought 6 15mg morphine sulphate sr pills for 20$, just took 4 of em, its a small buzz , but still i feel better, and my back isnt in horrible pain, still a little tho, which is gay being i took 60mg on morphine and it still hurts at all.
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