How many times until you decided to keep it to yourself?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RhythmPassion, Nov 18, 2013.

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  1. RhythmPassion

    RhythmPassion Member

    Someone started a thread like this on another suicide forum and I would like to see the response to it here.

    So how many times have you told people until you decided to keep it to yourself?


    I personally have spent 10 years trying to convince my family that I need help with their support, understanding, and a willingness to improve, but there is nothing more they can/want to do. They are old and depressed themselves, though they deny it. Not every seed that gets planted recieves enough water. My family has visited me in the psych ward when I <mod edit - methods> and they are fully aware of my situation. My entire family was nice and respectful to me for one week then couldn't keep up the charade anymore. They just aren't emotionally available.

    At this point I have given up telling anyone anything. It has seriously brought me to a point of reflection....

    What the hell do I expect telling people that I'm going to kill myself? Can you imagine the scary feeling being on the OTHER side of that conversation? They don't know what to do. They are programmed to steer clear of death so when you bring up that topic, they shutdown. Life isn't supposed to kill itself so they become confused and use their own logic on you that they would use to pull themselves out, but of course you're not them and they haven't been down that road, ever. There is NOTHING that can come out of another persons mouth that can do ANYTHING to help ANYONE that have uttered the words, "I would rather die.

    The reality is that there are a lof of sick and broken humans and very few have the luxury of being connected to family and friends that have the education and resources they are willing to part with to truly help. Those are the people that don't need to keep it to themselves because they have the means to actually entertain the possibility of easing the pain.

    So why do I keep it to myself? Because it was a lie to think it could ever be fixed, and now everyone thinks your a suicidal nut job, but they'll never tell you that to your face. They will just smile and hope you don't bother them in their merry way. I don't blame them. I used to yearn for a happy life too, and letting someone bring you to your knees won't let anyone else stand on your shoulders. Love is just another word for survival. So when someone is "loving", or helping a person 'survive', and the other isn't helping back, it becomes a detrimental one-sided relationship in any aspect. The person that isn't being "loved" back will want to leave simply becuase they are being slowly drained with no hope in sight of ever being "loved" back. Since we are too broken to "love" ourselves, much less anyone else, we are left to die.

    They didn't ask to be born with or without their problems as much as I did, so why are they held accountable for mine? Because at first we agreed to god, religion and spiritual and magical thinking just so we can cope by pointing the finger at something or someone. Or maybe believing that if we worship something enough, it will bend the laws of time and space to give us what we want. Since that turned out to be the biggest bullshit of all time, we started to look to each other for help. And when people understood that if they gave you a cup of sugar today, they might not have any left for tomorrow, it is probably best to say that you have none left and selfishness and greed became a survival tool. I'm forced to keep it to myself because no one wants to share their sugar to make me sweet again. It's ok, I'm already dead.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 18, 2013
  2. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I really don't know how I feel about everything you wrote. Some things make sense, but other things you say make me realize why I would rather hold in a lot of my feelings. I fear being judged for opening up about my pain and wanting to take my life, especially when it comes to my family because they don't understand or make any real effort to. They expect me to just "fake it" and pretend everything is okay. All I know is that after a while, holding all of the pain and frustration in makes me feel like Mt. St. Helens, if that makes sense.
     
  3. RhythmPassion

    RhythmPassion Member

    The sad part is that the only people who will understand are the ones who can't help, because their credentials of sufferring are still happening. My entire immediate family as well as some cousins and aunts know about my suicidal ideation and some know about my hospitalization, but every single one just thinks I act out for attention, or just saying "there you go talking stupid again." I'm not offended that they are brushing me off, they just don't know how to handle something like that. Some recover, for some their suffering goes into remission only to come back later, and for the rest it is a life sentence.

    99% of what anyone says to you regarding this is a reaction, not a response. You've heard it all...

    jesus
    god
    religion
    spirituality
    volunteering
    exercising
    reading
    therapy
    medication
    blah blah blah
    (insert bullshit here to get you to fuck off)

    Since "this" can't be cured, the best is to have someone listen, without interrupting with regurgitated garbage they swallowed elsewhere. The most expensive "thing" we have is time, because once you have spent it, it's gone, so spend it sincerely. Money can always be earned again. That's why it's easier, if you should be so lucky, is for people to throw money at you, because their time is too valuable to them. It's a one time deal.

    Sorry my thoughts are all over the place. Damn A.D.D.

    It basically comes down to the point that our friends, family, and whoever is around us have deemed us broken, unworthy of their time and only partake in validating our existence only to remove any shred of guilt within themselves. Anything else would be escalating towards their own suicide.

    With Psychology just describing the problem in greater detail, and Philosophy only pondering the solution, I crawl to come to a point of not placing blame on them because I understand their limitations as much as I understand mine. As daunting as it sounds, it seems the only way to make this sort of life tolerable is by forgiving my friends, family, and the world for not understanding me. That way I am not stuck suffering unsatiated expectations. We expect them to understand and help us as much as they expect us to pick ourselves up. Where's that going to go right? Remember Buddha said that unmet desire is the root of all suffering, but what Buddha didn't understand is that logic cannot overcome a negative emotion processed by a broken platform.
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You, I , we , they- are all generic pronouns in this response - not directed at anybody posting in this thread-

    I usually look at this type of discussion with a question in mind -

    What do you want people like family and friends to do when you tell them? Forget all the platitudes about understanding and listening and supporting - those are no more useful to family and friends than the advice of "hang in there and things will get better" that we often receive. They are just words with no real meaning.

    It is said here all the time my friends and family don't listen and don't support me and don't understand me. What - in specifics- do you want them to do? If they ask you how you are feeling (you being a very generic you- not aimed at the OP or anybody else). People always say just listen but the fact is we often do not talk and when people ask what is wrong we say nothing or that we are depressed and then what? We want them to carry the conversation ? Listening means we talk and they listen but most often we choose not to talk and then accuse them of not listening.

    Show us support? We want people to be there and to show us support but we cannot define what that is ourselves in an actual physical sense or action. If they ask too often we get angry because "I say i am depressed and not they pry all the time and every time i want to do something that ask if that is a good idea like I am a freak or something wrong with me" - so if they try to support us by asking how we are doing and what they can do or offer advice we are upset because they are not giving us any privacy and if they give us privacy we say they don't even care - I told them how I feel and they ignore it --so we want them to support us but we do not want them to ask us anything or talk to us about it and we don't want them to pretend nothing is wrong either...

    People do not understand us? We do not talk and say they are not listening, we say we want support but we actually either want them to just leave us alone or say they do not care if they do leave us alone and then we say they do not understand. Actually what most people mean when they say do not listen or do not understand is that they did not agree with every word - we said. If you cannot identify yourself with specific actions of what you want people to do - specifically not just general concepts- how are they supposed to know what to do for us? If they listen and tell you a different perspective then you say they did not listen when actually it is usually us that is not listening. The idea that they should know exactly what to say or do when we do not know ourselves (or we would do it and not need them anyway) is ridiculous. If you do not know how to help yourself then how should they know automatically how to help you? And if you are so sure everything friends and family are saying or doing is wrong then clearly you must know what the right thing is and if you know what the right thing is and how to fix everything then why are we still having problems?

    People , in the vast majority of cases do listen, do support, do care and far more understand than we like to admit. Just we choose to get angry because it did not fix us - whatever they said or did did not make us better so we say they did the wrong thing. They cannot "make" us feel better anymore than we can "Just be happy" and "make" ourselves better but it is easier to blame them for not listening, caring, or being supportive than to say the same feelings I have about myself and my life right now are coloring my perceptions of what they are doing....
     
  5. RhythmPassion

    RhythmPassion Member

    A lof of what you said makes sense. I'm not so much upset at others for not understanding me as I am of being unable to help myself. I'm not expecting super-hero like results, or for them to "make" me feel better. A good start would be to pay attention and show some interest. What good is them actually caring by way of a feeling or concern? When I say they don't listen, I guess I mean that in an abstract way like they don't "listen" to my existence. Basically I don't want to be ignored and treated like a problem that might go away by itself. The reality is that most people just generally ignore other problem people, including their own family members, friends, significant others, and ultimately themselves.

    Why is it that when someone wants to feel valued, appreciated or at the very least NOT ignored, it immediately means I'm demanding red carpet treatment? Why is it that no one is allowed to say that they aren't loved enough and that if you do, you are selfish and ungrateful? Because it's easier to ignore a problem, and it's even easier to say "I didn't know he was hurting so bad"....really? So I guess I won't survive because I'm not emotionally "fit" enough because I'm a pansy asking for attention. If that's the case, then to hell with humanity and all it's glory.
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I do not think it sounds like you are demanding red carpet treatment in the least - some basic human respect and acknowledgement of existence and that your thoughts and ideas have merit is not unreasonable or attention seeking (or any more attention seeking than all people are as a "social animals"). I do not know about "loved enough" as to a measurement - if you feel lacking than you are - perception counts. And I agree from my part that the lack of being able to help myself more tends to upset me more than the lack of others ability to help. I hope you find some way to show yourself some of the love and kindness that you feel are missing - that is far more in our own control than how others feel or choose to demonstrate those feelings....
     
  7. RhythmPassion

    RhythmPassion Member

    That's the hardest part. You see the tree has already grown into the fence crooked. Any attempt to remove the fence or the tree will destroy both.
     
  8. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I don't know exactly what I would want someone to say or act, but I know what I don't appreciate. I don't appreciate when people want me to open up and when I talk a little about something that is bothering me, it ends up either getting belittled, or the person tries to compare my problem to there's. I have this cousin for example, that when I tried to say what was on my mind, his response was to tell me to get in the car because he was gonna show me people who has it worse off than me. What gets me when people do this is that 1) I am very much aware that there are people who have it worse than me.....doesn't make me feel better, a little guilty but not better. and 2) In theory, I suppose you could show those people who have it worse than me other people who have it worse than them and so on and so on. When someone does this, they aren't listening or being understanding....they're just making your problem a little worse by making it part of some kind of pissing contest.

    I can't speak for everyone, I'm going by my own personal experience.
     
  9. RhythmPassion

    RhythmPassion Member


    I agree absolutely.
     
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