How many years can be tolerated

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#1
I've struggled with mental illness for years now. I couldn't even tell you when it started because I was so young, but for certain, I've struggled with depression and anxiety for at least 7 years on and off. Every time they come back swinging, they knock me on my butt, sedate me, and push me into an isolated closet. My anxiety essentially resulted in me changing my career path before entering university, throwing me into the chaos of choice and uncertainty. Since then, I've been slowly drifting. Sometimes accepting the uncertainty, and other times struggling to keep above water. The last six months have been some of the hardest I've experienced in years. I have no passion anymore. I'm always tired and can only sense fear towards the future. I just broke up with the only serious partner I've ever had, in part because I couldn't handle feeling like a failure in their presence. I spent tonight desperately job searching and hearing my conscious tell me that I won't be happy with any of the potential options in sight. No one around me seems to be having as hard a time coping with these challenges.
In addition to feeling like a helpless drifter, I have a constant need to prove myself. After much analysis of this obsession, I've come to the conclusion that one of my main motivations in life is to prove myself in order to feel some sense of satisfaction. This should be coupled with the observation that I'm not the best at maintaining close relationships. The idea of hard work and success seems much more tangible and satisfying to me than building relationships I don't see lasting. I think I understand how to make larger change better than being close to people. However, I've lost grip of where I want to make this change, and with no strong family or friend connections, I feel like my anchor has been untied and I'm at sea with out an island in sight. I'm starting to think I was born this way and I need to accept that this is what most of my life is going to be like.
 
#2
Yo man Anxiety and depression are the enemy you gotta find something that can outdo them, easier said then done I know. I can help ya with this I got anxiety a bit myself and I know how it just shits on everything ya like. Always remember just how irrational it is and if you can take some medicine for it that'll help too. If you haven't tried yet maybe you should look for some professional help. Hit me up if ya need some advice or anything man ya can beat this.
 
#3
@PaladinofKnights thank you for your support. I worked with counselors on and off for about four years. I'm looking into another affordable one at the moment, but one of the reasons why I stopped seeing them previously was because I felt this sense of shame around the fact that I wasn't getting better. I've also taken medication but it usually makes me feel numb or worse than before. I've been taking a new prescription for the last three weeks but I haven't felt any difference. I just don't know what to look forward to anymore. I keep falling back into this trap and feel like even if I feel a bit better for a few months, I'll just fall right back in.
 

DrownedFishOnFire

Back into the wild where I belong. Out of your way
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
Medications, therapy and all of kinds of approaches to help you feel some sense of normalcy is just a tool in the tool box. It is up to you what tools to use. Not everyone responds the same so don't give up on yourself.

Take care there @CraterMoonRose
 
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