I've struggled with mental illness for years now. I couldn't even tell you when it started because I was so young, but for certain, I've struggled with depression and anxiety for at least 7 years on and off. Every time they come back swinging, they knock me on my butt, sedate me, and push me into an isolated closet. My anxiety essentially resulted in me changing my career path before entering university, throwing me into the chaos of choice and uncertainty. Since then, I've been slowly drifting. Sometimes accepting the uncertainty, and other times struggling to keep above water. The last six months have been some of the hardest I've experienced in years. I have no passion anymore. I'm always tired and can only sense fear towards the future. I just broke up with the only serious partner I've ever had, in part because I couldn't handle feeling like a failure in their presence. I spent tonight desperately job searching and hearing my conscious tell me that I won't be happy with any of the potential options in sight. No one around me seems to be having as hard a time coping with these challenges.
In addition to feeling like a helpless drifter, I have a constant need to prove myself. After much analysis of this obsession, I've come to the conclusion that one of my main motivations in life is to prove myself in order to feel some sense of satisfaction. This should be coupled with the observation that I'm not the best at maintaining close relationships. The idea of hard work and success seems much more tangible and satisfying to me than building relationships I don't see lasting. I think I understand how to make larger change better than being close to people. However, I've lost grip of where I want to make this change, and with no strong family or friend connections, I feel like my anchor has been untied and I'm at sea with out an island in sight. I'm starting to think I was born this way and I need to accept that this is what most of my life is going to be like.
In addition to feeling like a helpless drifter, I have a constant need to prove myself. After much analysis of this obsession, I've come to the conclusion that one of my main motivations in life is to prove myself in order to feel some sense of satisfaction. This should be coupled with the observation that I'm not the best at maintaining close relationships. The idea of hard work and success seems much more tangible and satisfying to me than building relationships I don't see lasting. I think I understand how to make larger change better than being close to people. However, I've lost grip of where I want to make this change, and with no strong family or friend connections, I feel like my anchor has been untied and I'm at sea with out an island in sight. I'm starting to think I was born this way and I need to accept that this is what most of my life is going to be like.