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How Much Am I Meant To Cope With?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Buggsy2008, Jan 26, 2009.

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  1. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    This is my first attempt at 'opening up' so bear with me.

    I joined this forum today because I came across it by chance and thought it would benefit me to be able to talk to people who understand.

    I have no one in the 'real' world to talk too, my dad's living it up on the south coast with his 'new' family and although I live with my mum she says there's nothing wrong with me and it's all attention seeking.

    I'm unemployed because I have sociophobia, which means I can't face going out alone. My mum says this is a lie and that I just don't want to work. . . She seriously thinks I like being stuck indoors all the time and reliant on other people. That I like being broke all the time and not being able to afford to do the things my friends are doing.

    I used to have boyfriends and friends etc, now I only have a couple as I have withdrawn from the rest. . . and dating, forget it. Who would want me anyway?

    Stress is a big trigger for me self harming, I can't handle arguing etc as it makes me want to do it. I came pretty close today, even told my mates not to come over as I wasn't up for it. They ignored me and came over anyway so by time they had gone I felt a bit better. I have a constant ache in my chest, and when I have a bad day it seems to take over my entire body. That's when I know i'm close to the edge.

    I just don't know what to do and how much longer I can go on living like this. How can it be worth fighting to stay alive if all I feel is pain, it's like a physical ache. It's unbearable and I hate feeling like this.

    Sorry if I go on a bit. I will try and keep it to mini essays not full blown novels :smile:
  2. porcelain child

    porcelain child Well-Known Member

    I am sorry things are tough for you right now...

    Have you got any support around you.. like a therapist...

    Well done on joining and opening unp, that must of taken a lot of effort opening up for the first time...

    How are you coping with all of this at the moment?

  3. Synesthetic Soul

    Synesthetic Soul Well-Known Member

    That sounds pretty harsh and I understand that you must be hurting a lot. Especially being told that you're a liar when you're not! But no worries, we're all here for you. If you never need to talk, you can message me. :)

    Have you tried going to a doctor? I don't know what your medical situation is but if you have covereage try seeing a psychiatrist. Not only would it help, but that person can confirm your anxiety and depression. From there you can work towards a happier and healtheir you!
  4. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    I've recently been seeing an occupational therapist to help me overcome the sociophobia, but i'm not seeing anyone who I can open up too. The one i'm seeing is more an action kind of therapist rather than the kind that listens while you pour your heart out.

    I think I would benefit from seeing some kind of councellor/psychiatrist but I can't afford it and it's hard to get it on the NHS.

    At the minute I feel like i'm teetering on the edge and could go either way, i'm going up my aunts tomorrow until Friday as i have to see my therapist woman Thursday so that will be a few days relitively stress free.

    It's just coming back here that I dread. I honestly believe that I could find a way to cope if I didnt live here. It's constant stress and bad feelings when i'm here. That feeling that you're not wanted, it's overpowering.
  5. Synesthetic Soul

    Synesthetic Soul Well-Known Member

    I know how that feels.

    Is it possible you can reach out to your aunt? Maybe she'll understand and maybe you can make arrangements to live with her. If it seems like a possibility, then try it! It seems like your aunt makes you feel loved, that's a good way to start I think; finding love in your own family.
  6. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    I have problems opeining up face to face, I end up crying and can't get my words out.

    My aunt is trying to help. I've lived with her before and she ended up kicking me out (well, dumping me back here) not because i'd done anything in particular. She just couldnt handle me, I was cutting bad back then and really in a low place.

    I would love to move back there, and would do anything to go back there but I know she'd say no.

    At the end of the day EVERYONE in my family (including my aunt) would rather see me on the streets than let me live with them. Purely because I was never wanted, I was an accident of birth. Come March mum wants to kick me out so I could well end up on the streets. . . if that happens though i think i would be pushed over the edge beyond saving.

    I want to avoid being in that situation though.
  7. Synesthetic Soul

    Synesthetic Soul Well-Known Member

    It probably feels like no one wants you and just wishes you to go away, but that's not how it is at all. I strongly think your mother does love you, she just doesn't understand. Maybe she doesn't want to believe her baby is depressed. I don't know.

    Have you looked into teen crisis hotlines or shelters where you live? Maybe there's a sanctuary where you can go to get away from your family for a while. And, if worse comes to worst, you can find a place to stay. They must have homeless shelters there, yes? I don't know how old you are though or what the laws are. But if you are old enough to be legally kicked out of the house, then you're old enough to stay in a shelter, yes? I'm just guessing here. .__.
  8. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    My mother definitly does not love me. People used to say to my nan how mean and controlling she was towards me.

    It's like, since she got with my step-dad and had my brother (when i was 3/4) i've been a burden. It's clear to me that she regretted having me as she then had to raise me. Since a young age I felt that they were the family and i was just a lodger.

    She doesnt believe there's anything wrong with me because she thinks she knows it all and will never change her mind once it's made up.

    I could walk out of here tomorrow and instead of going to my aunts could go and kill myself in a way that no one would find me unless they were looking and I can guarantee they wouldn't even notice i was missing until they wanted me to do something for them.

    When i go away I text her and she never replies, she never texts me to see if im ok or anything. Im not going to do that ^^ but if i did it would be weeks if not longer before anyone thought to ask 'where is she?' and when they eventually found me she would say it was attention seeking. She'd probably be happy about it.

    Before you say i just think this and that she does love me etc let me say that she doesnt... not even in the slightest. My friends have noticed this and agree so it's not just me twisting things because of my low mood. She's one of the few mothers who actually doesnt love one of her children.

    I think that the way she treated me and made me feel as a young child shaped the way i turned out now. I grew up feeling alone and unloved, so i craved acceptance at school but didnt get any. I had a few friends but not many. They cant handle when i get really low and tend to disappear.

    I strongly believe that she's ruined my life, i hate blame but if she had treated me differently i think i would have turned out differently.
  9. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. i'm sorry you are in such pain and anxiety. it is a positive step though, that you reached out here. there is always someone around to talk to - and here we ALL understand how you are feeling. even if our situations are different, there is common ground.

    unfortunately some people (like your mom, perhaps?) do not understand phobias, social anxiety, or even depression. and i think that often, parents are in denial, completely, if their child is suffering from any emtional/mental problem. . . . . it is scary, and painful for them, BUT, i think they also may feel partly, if not totally, responsible. (parental guilt) they put their heads in the sand like an ostrich. (keep in mind that her ''picking'' at you, acting as if she doesn't want you there, etc., is likely coming from inside HER, and has NOTHING to do with you, sweetie. )

    keep seeing the therapist, keep coming here to talk to people, pouring your heart out to ''us''. . . these are positive first steps. one step at a time.

    there are options that may open up - each day is a new chance. i have faith that the therapist will be able to help you - and as you start to see some improvement, perhaps things will ease up with your mom.

    take good care of YOU. you can always pm me anytime. :hug:
  10. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.

    I think that getting my mum out of my life for ever will be a good step (dont worry im not going to go all norman bates just yet).

    She is a destructive force on my life. Even if i get my own place, get a job etc she will still be the same.

    I need her out of my life for good, but i cant do that until i have somewhere permanant to live. I just know that getting rid of her will be like a weight off my shoulders.
  11. Synesthetic Soul

    Synesthetic Soul Well-Known Member

    She actually sounds like someone I know. I am currently with someone who's mother treats them the same way. She had this child and now she has to do all these things for this small person who didn't ask to be here. Now it's the child's fault her life is miserable.

    I'm sorry that she treats you like that, but know that you always have friends here. You are not alone. PM me if you need someone to talk to. Please, for the love of life, don't kill yourself. There's always another way.

    I'm sure a lot of us are proud that you came here to seek out help. We're always here to listen.
  12. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    hey buggsy.. i relate to toxic mothers.. mine is a nightmare too. not all parents do love their kids or treat them well... mine like yours is a very negative infulence in my life and always has been..

    i hope you find support here to help you cope better

    sam x
  13. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    I don't like 'burdening' people with my problems, ive been brought up to keep my mouth shut as no one cares... so actually pm'ing anyone on here will be a biig challenge for me.

    I need to find new ways to cope as the old ones aren't working.

    If anyone wants to talk btw i'm quite a good listener (comes from years of keeping my mouth shut) so feel free to add me to msn.
  14. Synesthetic Soul

    Synesthetic Soul Well-Known Member

    Well hopefully you'll work up the strength. You've done it once by posting here publicly, so hopefully you'll be able to do it again!
  15. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    i hope so too
  16. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    A possible plus side. Came up aunts today and she got on to the housing co-ordinator at the therapy place. She's arranging another interview with the ymca for me next week... so fingers crossed.
  17. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    I'm unemployed as well. In fact i've never worked for various reasons. At 20 years of age i'm in the house alone most of the time.
  18. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    That's like me... i had a saturday job when i was seventeen but it dint last long
  19. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    How are you feeling today Buggsy? :hug:
  20. Buggsy2008

    Buggsy2008 Well-Known Member

    a bit better. coming in the chat on here helped :)
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