How much am I too blame here?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Big M, Nov 1, 2012.

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  1. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    So I have 2 ex's now. I cared about them both and they both have moved on, I haven't really as I need to be alone right now. I have this guilt that follows and here is why. The first girlfriend we will call Laura, the second Diana for privacy sakes. So Laura and I dated a really long time like five years and over time although we had a lot in common, started to grow apart and wanted different things. More importantly we became abusive. She regularly physically abused me kicked me slapped punched, clawed you name it. I put up with it for years thinking it's normal since that what my mother always did to my father. I also provoked her at times and she had a real nasty temper but never ever hit her back. She would often threaten to break up with me but I never threatened her with that. She was kind of sickly tied to me.

    Anyways we had a mutual friend Diana who I began to get to know better. Diana was really gentle and although we didn't have much in common I could tell she liked me and finally after all the abuse and hearing that Laura wanted to break up with me for the billionth time I told her I had feelings for Diana and she flipped out and eventually broke up with me. I didn't want to break up really but I didn't see things going anywhere at all except more and more abuse: me verbally and her physically and verbally. Laura became SUPER pissed at Diana when Diana and I started hanging out. I think she saw it as more of a break where as I saw it as a break for a while where I would date others and get away from her physical assaults. Diana and I started dating and this drove Laura up the wall. She would scream at me on the phone about it constantly. Here the thing Laura and Diana were in the same group of friends but never very close, yet still it did feel wrong. I just kind of felt like I wouldn't meet another girl who was as kind to me as Diana ( which I know realize is bullshit.) Diana ended up moving away (I didn't want to do long distance) and after like 6 months of listening to Laura curse me for dating her I broke up with Diana. Diana understood the long distance thing wasnt gonna work so it wasn't nasty or anything. Now I'm alone and they have both likely found plenty of new possible guys. I feel angry at myself for getting into a mess like this though even though its been some months now. I always said I was above this crap but I have such low self confidence with women I guess I feel like its my only chance when a decent girl likes me. Neither of these girls were right for me I now realize but I've kinda given up on women anyhow. I do think Diana should not have been flirting with me when she knew I was in a relationship but at the same time Laura and I should have broken up years and years before it ever came to anything. What do you guys think?
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You had a girlfriend that was abusive- aside from staying with her far too long you did nothing wrong with her. You met another person thta worked well but both realized long distance would not work - nothing to be ashamed of in knowing what your needs are. During the second relationship you continued to allow Laura to harass you as opposed to either blocking her calls or ignoring them- I do not see why - but it was not your fault. You were all consenting adults and who you spend your time and emotional energy on is your business and no t the business of a former girlfriend. The only thing you are to blame for is not looking out for your best interest more. As to what they are doing now and with who - I would not give much thought to it - the first better for you if she has a new target and the second I would be glad she was able to move on, as you should try to without guilt.
  3. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I mean I guess the first girlfriend and I just had a strong bond, as messed up as it was so at times I felt really bad. I always wanted a clean break-up and that didn't happen and it was lots of drama which I hate (especially concerning me.) I dunno thanks for the advice though
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty, because it doesn't seem you did anything wrong. I hope you can move on and find someone that you have feelings for, and that treats you right. Nobody deserves to be in an abusive relationship.
  5. darksider

    darksider New Member

    relationships are very hard at times , you cant go on living with some one abbusing like that ,may be you should take time out for you , get to know who you are as a person ,
  6. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    I mean I shouldn't be guilty you are right because I never cheated once. It's just that my first girlfriend was so torn between loving and hating me that I was pulled into it and didn't know if I should leave her or not and in the end kind of forced her to leave me I guess.
  7. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    An I agree about the time to myself. That's where I'm at now and don't want to really be in a relationship at all.
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