How much contact with recent ex?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by VALIS, May 11, 2011.

  1. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    So I broke off a 4 year relationship last night.

    Basically I said the truth, which is: after 4 years when I should be finding a mate, I've accepted that there are things about him that won't work for me in the long term. so it's broken off.

    I already miss him. Is it ok to walk to his house and cry? Is it ok to start drinking? Is it ok to fall apart? Can we console each other or is it better to just stop contact all together (we formerly spent all our free time together.)

    any advice on what to do or what not to do:confused::confused:? I don't really have anyone to talk to; I spent all my time with him and have only a couple close friendships. Many of our friends are mutual.

    Sorry, and thanks... :confused:
  2. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    If you really miss him and want to go to him to cry and be consoled, etc., then I can't help but wonder why you ever split up with him in the first place. What are these things that won't work for you? Are they really worth losing him over?

    There is no "should" when it comes finding someone to love and build a life with. You can try and find love but often times it finds you. Just make sure you're not giving up somebody that you genuinely care about just because he's not perfect or doesn't fit the bill as your ideal future mate. That being said though, I can't fully comment on the situation without knowing what the reasons for ending the relationship were.

    If you're really dead set on ending the relationship though; from experience, it's best to take a clean cut from them. Keeping in contact will be like dangling a carrot in front of yourself. You'll want him even though he isn't what you want in the long run and you'll end up getting no further with your life than you were when you were actually dating him.
  3. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the advice, it really helped direct my thoughts in a constructive way.

    He can't/won't fix his employment situation (dead-end jobs for someone with a college degree), stop smoking, get a job that he will like, be social enough that we can go out with friends, clip his fingernails (!!!!), or basically set any goals for his life. Any goals at all.

    After 4 years I haven't seen him change one thing to improve his situation, which has made his miserable. He has an attitude that he is meant to suffer while other people get to have fun.

    Essentially he won't grow up. He also now lives with his parents while I have moved out. We're both in our late-ish 20's.

    I love him more than anyone else. I truly, truly love him and no one could say I didn't give it a looong time and lots of efforts. But I can't make a future with an adolescent.
  4. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    If he is aware of the reasons you broke off your four year relationship and still isn't willing to at least attempt to change, then I think that gives you your answer right there. On the other hand, you say he's miserable and isn't very social - could it be he has underlying issues with depression and/or anxiety that are playing a part in all of this or is it just a general aversion to doing anything he doesn't want to do?

    It sounds like he's not willing to help himself in the least bit and I completely agree that you shouldn't have to put up with that from a potential life partner. Maybe this break up is what he needs to get his arse into gear and do something with his life. He needs to stop sitting around feeling sorry for himself and figure his life out or he will most definitely end up alone.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    time for both of you to go into marriage councelling okay there you can work out differences that need to be adressed give it a shot okay Talk to ex about getting on some meds to make him less depressed more outgoing okay IF you care about him and him you then it is worth the effort to take councilling together.
  6. skysunsand

    skysunsand Well-Known Member

    I have been through this exact same situation, broke up for the same reasons. 3 year relationship, but still. We did console each other, and we cried together and stuff, but we decided to leave each other alone for a few weeks to be on our own and deal with it in our own way. I found solace in a best guy friend who secretly liked me for four years, and we were officially in a relationship 3 months after the breakup with the ex. Then the ex turned sort of crazy and stalked me for about a year.
    My roommate had the same reasons as well for getting rid of her boyfriend of 2 years- ZERO ambition and general homebody-ishness. She broke up with him, then went and spent her evenings partying her ass off downtown. Didn't shed a single tear.

    So it really just depends on how you are as a person.

    Personally, I'd invest more time in those couple close friends you have. Go out, meet some new people, start up a hobby, do something to fill the time where you and him used to be together.
  7. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    Broke up with my ex for exactly the same reasons.
    He wanted to stay in contact, so I tried for a while but it was just a huge mess. When I distanced myself, I started to stop feeling bad and start wondering why I was interested in the first place.

    Personally I'd say cut down on the contact and you'll be able to look at the bigger picture - I realised I felt bad out of guilt, that I'd been fooling myself the whole time and moved on quite happily only to end up in an absolutely fantastic relationship. Based on my experience, distance will eventually lead to closure.
  8. VALIS

    VALIS Well-Known Member

    thank you to everyone,

    I've managed to steer clear of him and try to reach out as much as I can to the few friends I have kept in close contact with for the past 4 years.

    It's rough because he lives within walking distance. Its rough because suddenly I have no one to talk to about the daily things that come up and aren't interesting to anyone who isn't that close. It's rough because I have plunged into a bipolar depression pit of despair. but I think it will be better if I come up with other things to do besides contact or doing nothing. Everyone who posted had some great advice and it's so appreciated.