how much is too much?

[argentina1908]

there's too many things to try to keep up with

today i opened the newspaper to read about water rates doubling over the next 2 years. I mean, what is life about unless you have loads of money. it is just working and doing things to sustain life.
Why bother? i can't keep up and i am too exhausted to continue to try. i earn a good living and I am studying to improve my earning capacity.

but my husband doesn't give a sh** about my contribution to our life. he suffers from aspergers, depression and anxiety. he doesn't understand and i doubt whether he even tries to understand.

he thinks nothing of constantly being rude to me. putting me down, berating me in public and verbally abusing whenever his stress levels get too much. he is irrational, and perceives things in totally the wrong way. No matter how much I explain to him, he refuses to believe it is any other way than what he sees.

i am sick of trying to manage our life, our kids, our finances, our obligations, health issues and the future. When all that is important to my H is food on the table (he cooks), the clothes are clean (he washes), he has his drinking nights (beer and wine), he has access to his television and favourite dvds. Oh yeah, and the towels are changed regularly. he is obsessive about household stuff.

My mother used to say that people who kill themselves are cowards. I disagree, I think that I am finding a smart way out of an intolerable and unsolvable problem. I told my husband how I felt and true to form he promptly turned around and talked about himself and how it would be better for him to "check out" because he has more life insurance.

 

[Hoasis]

Seriously, nothing personal, but I just cannot understand you people complaining so much about your life because it sucks the relationship you are in?? If the problem is really that easy, why dont you get out of it? xxxxxxxx You feel suicidal now because of a situation you are in at this moment. Ant this moment could improve dratically if you just take the right choices for yourself... xxxxxxxxx

 

[LoveBeing]

Hi argentina1908,

I guess what Hoasis is saying is that maybe you can get a divorce?

I understand that you have been trying very hard to work things out for your family. It also seems to me that your husband seems to be the problem? If this is the case, what would happen if you get a divorce from your husband? Is this an option?

I understand that you also have concerns about your son’s future. As you know, nobody knows what the future holds. There are simply too many things that may happen along the way which we have no way of knowing now. Who knows, your son may turn out to be alright. Keep in mind that your thoughts about him matters/makes a difference to him/his future...

As you know, our mind could trick us into believing what it thinks, but the reality is what’s actually happening now. We cannot deal with the future, but we can always deal with the now. When we experience the “future“, the future comes as now. So all we ever have is now…

I encourage you to use your courage to change the things you can and live! You know how hard you’ve been trying and how much you’ve done for the family. Your own acknowledgement and appreciation is also important. You can still have faith in yourself when nobody else can seem to understand you…

You also know that your living with your children and your love for them is simply irreplaceable…

Wish you well and hugs :hug:

 

[Acy]

Hi, argentina 1908. One of the most important things for you to keep in mind is that your spouse's hurtful words and behavior are not your fault. When we take in and believe stuff like that, it makes it harder to see things clearly.

Do you have a therapist/family doc you could talk to so that you can sort out your feelings on this?

At any rate, we're happy to listen here, too, and if we can support you, that's great.

Please don't give up. Suicide is NOT the best answer and blocks off any chances of finding the good that might otherwise come your way.

 

[peacelovingguy]

Hello Argentina1908. I hear you loud and clear with respects to the increases in utility bills - and as a man who does his own shopping and pays his own bills - I empathise with anyone who is in effect the official 'magician' when it comes to money.

You have to be a bloody magician to make it spread!

As for your husband not understanding - he should do because depression is no excuse. I also suspect he'd be lost without you - but men get used to things being a certain way and some presume once married always married. Even if the marriage is loveless or barely functioning.

I'm sure you'd sooner your husband changed his ways a little rather than to divorce. I hope so - but its entirely your choice.

I'm actually looking at a similar situation, a women I know who is in the process of divorcing. This after attempts to change a husbands habits spanning several years - plus kids. Both were working but the wife more so. He had drinking habits, gave it up, took up gambling, gave it up, but now its like none of them talk to each other. A month without a conversation - child aged 11 messenger!

It all comes down down to communication - and it that is not there then marriage is horrible. Sharing a home with someone - living separate lives. So bad both cook for themselves - none would even make a cup of tea for the other.

The man ought to leave - tough as it sounds any man who makes a nest with a women and has children, does not own the nest. This is difficult as he is liable to 'play' the depression card - and use aspergers in a manner which aspergers sufferers would say is a fraud. Same with anxiety - some men will be up on the roof before she can say 'we do not get along'.

I know one man who broke his own arm - to get his wife to see him again.

She turned up - with the body building boyfriend in tow - and he gave advice on healing bones, whilst inferring he would break them if anyone harmed his new woman.

You have a tough decision to make - but how old are the children is another factor - and no doubt one you have to shoulder. I'd say that if suicide seems like a better future than marriage to this man - then maybe you would have time to breathe, to think and sit back if you separated for a while.

Sorry things have come to this but its best to be honest to yourself and then to be honest to after you make sure your own honesty is not just some phase.

Too much is too much when you have tried to meet someone halfway and they refuse. Too much is too much when you are thinking about dying when you should be enjoying life - and should have support from your husband.

Sure he has his issues - but I know depression and I know that some people use it to manipulate others. It is unfair to use any illness to make demands of people which go above and beyond the duties of marriage. You swore to love honour and obey - as did he - but ultimately its up to the man to be strong enough to carry two. His refusal to listen to your own views on suicide are selfish - his turning it into his issue is manipulative.

If I were you I'd ask him how he feels like living in his mothers for a while whilst you settle your own mind. you need a break from him - maybe a break up but that needs time for you to weigh up things and time for him to wake up to his responsibilities.

Good look - God bless also - from England.

Regards.

 

[Stranger1]

I don't think suicide is the right option here..You should seperate from your husband and see if living by your own means is a better option..It will give you time to find clarity in your life..Right now your husband is dragging you down..You can follow a more positive path..

 

[argentina1908]

Seriously, nothing personal, but I just cannot understand you people complaining so much about your life because it sucks the relationship you are in?? If the problem is really that easy, why dont you get out of it? xxxxxxxx You feel suicidal now because of a situation you are in at this moment. Ant this moment could improve dratically if you just take the right choices for yourself... xxxxxxxxx

There are many reasons for not "getting out" as you put it. and mine are complicated by my husbands mental health and developmental disorders. Financial constraints, kids, running a business from home etc etc. I feel emotionally drained and too tired to put the wheels in motion to make the changes happen at the moment. Knowing what are the right choices can be difficult no matter what the scenariou