how much longer can i hang on?!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sami, Oct 28, 2010.

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  1. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    im sorry.... i'm just really reaching breaking point

    my anxiety is unbearable. ive been thrown on so many different meds and each one has just made it worse and ive had no help therapy wise. i have lived like this for so fucking long now and its just got to the point where enough and enough. ive got a kitten and a man in my life who ive loved for 11 years. both would be happier without me around.

    ive got a store of all my old meds... i dont know what to do with them, but they're there... they have been for ages.

    i dont even know what im asking for here... does it get better? even after 5 years of constant, disabling panic and anxiety?

    im so tired of it all
     
  2. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    Dear Sami,
    im sorry to learn of your agony and that ur stressed out.
    you say that youv got a man in your life, cant you talk to him, trusting him with your innermost greviences or a friend who can make you feel a little better? everyone has the right to it, if not the means. Yeah, it gets better even after 5 years, only if we heed the right advice and act appropriately in the right moments. Let me put it this way: What are your reasons to live?

    :hug:
     
  3. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    he doesn't understand mental health issues, he tries but when he says stuff like just stop worrying i was to smack him in the face. he says i can talk to him but im too scared and embarrased, plus it seems pointless as he doesnt get it. although, just curling up in his arms would help somewhat. but i hate being that dependant.

    my reasons to live are very limited. i have a kitten that depends on me. thats it. i used to have hopes and dreams but they vanished a long time ago.
     
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    sami,

    im sorry your having a hard time. Ive also dealt with the feelings your having so long. I dont know if it will ever go away, I would say no at this point. Heck Im 33, but I have found ways to deal with it when it gets so overwhelming.

    Whats causing your anxiety, can you talk about it here?
     
  5. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    what do you do when its too much?

    i dont know why i feel this way. i have a generalised anxiety and panic disorder so its always there in the background, for no reason whatsoever. once upon a time i knew what triggered me but now its just severe, constant and pure torture.
     
  6. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    yeah i understand, the reason for our feelings are long forgotten, all that remains is that suspended pain, runnning without a switch.

    can you tell us when it all started, i know its difficult to single out an initial instance, pain accumulates and finds legitimacy through time and time doesnt always heal wounds, gives them an aura of permanence.
    i mean when do you remember being generally happy instead of having this general pain?
     
  7. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    i suffered from anxiety as a child as i grew up in an abusive and negelectful house. i had a breakdown at 18 and havent been able to function since. im 23 now. the only time i remember being happy was when i left my ex and found my current boyfriend, but it didnt last obviously. the only time i feel safe or even slightly better is when im with him which is totally stupid.
     
  8. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member


    Sorry to hear that you were abused when growing up, i too was by my mother and elder brother.

    i understand its necessary to find happiness independently, i.e. through ourselves thereby rediscovering self respect, self esteem so forth, and its great that you'v realised that unlike many others.
    But its definately not stupid to feel better in someone's arms especially if that someone cares and is affectionate towards you without question. Perhaps he doesnt realise the gravity of your ailment/s for reasons known only to him and/or you. Do you have anyone else you can talk with, someone who wouldnt judge you for you?
    Also, since you feel that your hopes and dreams have dissipated, there still must be a lingering concern for your own well-being, isnt that what made you write your very first post here? :)
     
  9. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    im sorry to hear you suffered as a child too.

    i dont know what he thinks about my illness, we dont really talk about it. i dont have anyone else... i dont know what provoked me to write either, apart from being sat with my pill collection and being a bit scared. maybe im just tired of being alone with this. i dont know. :(
     
  10. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    yeah, i too sat writing on this forum a few days ago with an object of coping lying next to me, whatever calm these objects bring seem futile after a while due to the inherent lack of meaning, we begin reacting in a nihilist manner; in my case the object is a knife.
    i dont want to press you to talk to him, heart to heart; but whenever you are ready to reveal to him, the reality of your pain, im sure he will be accomodating. Does he know about your pills? Have you tried changing your current state by doing something not in your current norm?
     
  11. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    in all honesty im scared of scaring him and maybe causing him to pull away from me. he has no idea about my pills. i used to go to the gym, but depression and anxiety have left me stuck in limbo - pjs, sofa or bed, tv and my laptop... thats about all i can do again now.
     
  12. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member


    a part of that is coincidental, i too was a regular at the local gym, went through a terrible phase of Pj's and drapes, now iv bought gym equip and use my own room. Hmm, i understand why youv chosen not to tell him, its a most legitimate concern to fear losing the one closest to us. Tell me something Sami, what are the things which give you happiness, even if its only little and not for long. The utility of our hobbies goes only as far as they continue to mean something to us, and we need to constantly grease the wheels.
     
  13. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Let me put it this way then, if you OD you WILL scare him and you WILL have pulled away because you're not there. You've said in an earlier post that you only feel better when he's around, so use the love you have for him to help yourself.

    You're clearly a very loving individual, but in order to manage depression you have to be a little bit selfish and look after your own body and mind. It would help you greatly if you could use him as a support figure in this.

    As dartofabaris says, I'm not pressing you to speak to your other half, but you will need to when you feel able.
     
  14. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    my kitten makes me laugh when shes meowing away, or playing.. or running, that used to really make me feel good. being with my boyfriend... its when im left alone with my head that things start to go wrong really quickly. like today, ive heard from no-one, done nothing and its just dawned on me that my life is so pointless and im trapped by my illness so i cant change it. i'd do anything to get out from under the weight of this feeling.
     
  15. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member

    touché; sami its better to risk some trust than to risk a life.
     
  16. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    it feels so wrong though. i was brought up to never ever do anything to benefit yourself. you're right about the pills though... but there's that screw it moment.... i don't know. maybe i will try to talk to him...
     
  17. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    But you're benefitting others by benefitting yourself. You can look at it that way. You'll be able to be an even better version of the good person you are, by looking after yourself.
     
  18. dartofabaris

    dartofabaris Well-Known Member


    its not easy nor impossible to shift your mental outlook from bearing the weight of your conscience (any guilt) and of your painful past to accepting your past as it is and acting in accordance with your conscience itself.
    Im not asking you to embrace your lonliness, its premature at the moment; it seems. Your subconscious doesnt have a safety net to fall back upon, i.e. when you are doing nothing you feel like nothing. Its good to have a cute kitty doing silly things to brighten your day, but what would say...right now..make you feel fulfilled? (dont say pills :p)
     
  19. sami

    sami Well-Known Member

    i honestly don't know. i just want to go to sleep and hope that tomorrow wont be like this.
     
  20. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    OK - let's see if we can work through this, if tomorrow were better than today - what would that actually mean?
     
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