How much more can I take?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sixwheeler, Jan 12, 2011.

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  1. sixwheeler

    sixwheeler New Member


    My situation and feelings have been going on for 2 years now. I have tried and been successful at not going through with my urges to end my life but the more time goes on the more difficult it seems to get. I guess a little backround is required here so you know where I'm coming from and where I am now.

    In December 2008 I started getting back pains, then some weakness in the legs. Doctors said it was muscle spasms and rest would heal it. a week later I am walking with a cane and the doctors do an MRI and a CT scan and determine I have 5 herniated discs. So they refer me to the Spine Clinic for diagnosis and treatment. This referal was made on Jan 5 2009. an I finally see a Neuro-Surgeon on Feb 28 2009, by this time I am using a walker around my apartment and can no longer walk far so I am using a wheelchair at the clinic. The doctor looks at my scans from Dec 17 2008 and says there is nothing major wrong with me just herniated dics so physio therapy should solve the issue.

    So here I am living in a 3 story walk-up with no elevator and I'm supposed to try and go to physio whenever that would start. ( ya right...) well I get the call to start physio on March 13 2009 but I woke up on March 12 and had lost almost all sensations from my belly button down, so I called an ambulance and to the hospital I went. less than 24 hours later I can no longer move my legs or feel anything below the belly button. So now I was a paraplegic. I spent 5 weeks in the hospital then I was sent to a rehabilitation centre for 3 months. During all this time they could not get a full MRI done as I am obese and also clausterphobic.

    To cut a long story short it has been almost 2 years now since I have walked I ended up moving in August of this year from Toronto Ontario Canada to Montreal Quebec Canada. I moved here to get better home care and also get better diagnosis. So far I have been here 4 months and I have already had a full MRI done. I now await the results but during all this time I have had suicidal thoughts. Some days are worse than others.

    I have lost many things due to this condition. I lost the love of my wife and placed much stress on my 2 boys. I lost my dream job and can no longer work. Since I have no feeling from the belly button down it makes me incontinent so I have to wear a diaper. I can't do any sports I used to do and I can no longer do most of the social activities I was involved in. So now my life consists of TV, Computer and the occasional stroll through the park ( weather permitting). I feel not only trapped in my body, trapped by my condition but also trapped by my environment.

    So what am I to do? I feel I would be better of dead. I have tried prayer, Reiki, meditation, counselling but no one can really help as none of them have gone through suicidal thoughts or been paralyzed like I am. Hopefully someone here can relate and give me some hope to carry on as I am almost out of hope and will to go on.

  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Sixwheeler, I am sorry to hear about you condition. It must be very difficult and confining to be paralyzed from the waist down. Not to mention losing the love of your wife. And going through winter does not always help either.
    Try exercising the parts of your body that does move. And keep going to the park often, as you already do. It's good that you have the laptop, television helps also, and reading good books can be very inspirational.

    Pray to God. He can do miracles.
    Read books about people in similar circumstances to you, and it can inspire you to go on.
    There are some good movies about paraplegic that are very inspiring as it shows how they overcome some difficulties and how they learn to live with the things they could not change. They show how they found love and meaning in their lives. Perhaps you can rent them on DVD.
    Remember, you are more than your body, but you are a soul and spirit and you can, when the body fails, explore the depths and heights of the soul.
    Be strong, you'll find a way.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble.

    sounds like the doctors are still trying to find out what is going on. they could figure it out and be able to cure you.

    did the reiki help?

    you might want to check out acupuncture

    if it is ok with your doctors, getting some physical exercise could help a lot. maybe you could get a hand cranked exercise bike?

    it could be that your obesity was a precipitating factor in your illness. loosing some weight with diet and exercise would probably help.

    you're in a tough situation, but you have cause for hope.

    do the doctors know when they should get the results back?
  4. sixwheeler

    sixwheeler New Member

    They have the results of my blood work and MRI I am just awaiting a call back from them. I called yesterday and the secretary said she would advise the doctor to call me ( cross my fingers he calls me soon). Getting a hand bike is something I am looking into but a new one is too expensive so I am trying to find a used one. I am also seeing a nutritionist in the third 5 weeks. Its just that everything seems so far away. I know its only 5 weeks but sometimes getting to tomorrow seems like forever so 5 weeks can feel like a lifetime away. I guess all I can do it try to keep going and hope for the better for now.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sometimes a day seems like a lifetime away. Ihope the 5 weeks come quickly for you hugs
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hey I hope everything works out.

    you may have some good news coming along soon

    might not hurt to post here for the bike

    but I don't think too many people read through those
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