how much time left

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by letmego3, Aug 15, 2013.

  1. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    It just keeps on building up more and more. For the last 10 years I have seen so much bull shit it makes me laugh that I am still here. I feel closer to the final outburst of my suicide more and more. Every comment that kills my spirit and makes me rock bottom by people around me brings me closer to my demise (not this forum). I don't know when that day will arrive when I will die. But I feel as if I as closer to the end of the road everyday. The end will come soon I think. All I know is that I am ready to go when I feel it is time. Its too easy to actually die and I don't know what punishment awaits after my actions. But I don't care about that too much. I might not be ready for the pain. I hate pain. But after that I don't give a crap. My existence is meaningless. I don't live happily I exist miserably. Felt really angry a few minutes ago. Now I feel relieved. Weird. Posting really does help to some extent even though I don't post that often.
     
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    what made you angry a few minits ago- do you want to talk about it?

    please stick around and talk to us
     
  3. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    All they do is suck the energy out of me rather than encouraging and motivating me. It's always what I suck at and not what I have accomplished. He is going on to do this and she is going on to do that. Blah Blah Blah. So and so is about to get married. I don't believe my family members are on my side. I feel they are against me. Reminding me of my failures and constantly making me feel depressed about myself. I don't trust my siblings anymore because they don't seem to give a shit about my problems probably because they think I hate them which is not true because I just don't think they deep down care because I have not seen anything to suggest that in the last few years. So I don't want to open my heart up to them because they will crush me with there lack of understanding and probably caring. When I am around my mother or siblings I start to go downhill and feel depressed about myself. When I am alone I start to feel much better. I'm introverted. It takes a lot for me to open up to someone but if they show no sign of giving a damn then I have no reason to talk to them any longer. I thought about this last night and now I have decided to close my heart and never talk about any thing meaningful to them. It may not be their fault. It may be my own insecurities but I rather be safe than get hurt when I do try to open up. People just want results. They don't understand that it takes small baby steps to get to the big stuff. I don't hate them I just give up on any real meaningful relationship with them. I don't have the financial means to move out. I'm stuck here but suicide will be my only way out when the time comes. I feel as if no matter what I do I will always remain a failure in their eyes. So there is no point in trying for them but only for myself and my own life. I'm wrong and have failed at life. I don't have the motivation to change since nothing excites me except for a few games and movies. I am dealing with my own boredom and depression about my life but then on top of that putting up with other people and their bull shit is just making it to hard to move forward. Gonna go play a game now.
     
  4. Anonymous00

    Anonymous00 Well-Known Member

    I absolutely understand how you feel as I feel exactly the same. I've never opened up to my family and probably never will as I don't think they care that much for me and also I am afraid they'd never understand and judge me even more. I only play games, watch movies, and listen to music to keep my mind preoccupied. I am bored and depressed with my life but I still keep trying to go on because I atleast want to believe that my life here must worth something.