how my day went crappy

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Darker Than Black, Sep 3, 2009.

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  1. Darker Than Black

    Darker Than Black Well-Known Member

    Every time I see a girl siting in class that I kinda like, next/near me/, or when I'm siting in the library, and I see a girl siting alone/or just alone generally, I start crying..well, not physically, I can hold it back, most of the time, other times I just put my head down, and try to get rid of my thoughts.This problem usually messes up my day, where i feel all sad and everything, I can't focus in class, and have trouble sleeping at night, and thoughts of suicide kicks in too, mostly during this situtation.

    Its 2nd yr of Uni already, and I still haven't got a gf, not that I want one..well I kinda, maybe just a close female friend, I wonder what am I going to do if I ever don't get one, like EVER. what would people say/think, what would my parents do. What am I going to do when I get old, am I going to be alone by myself..ohh, that sucks. Am I even ready for a gf, I don't have many friends, I don't even love myself how can I love someone else. I guess the only reason I want to get a gf is so I can feel close to someone, and theres always will be someone waiting for me to talk to etc after end of each day.

    I was so nervous when i sat there in class, when I didn't know anyone. I didn't get to know many/or any at all people in 1st yr engineering. When I go inside my classes, i see so many people siting with friends, laughing and stuff, and I see some people siting my themselves. I wanted to talk to those siting by themselves, but my SA kick in and my legs walk towards an empty seat somewhere else. As I sit there by myself, I try to focus on something else to rid of my anxiety, but that never worked.

    How am I going to be an engineer if I can't even communicate with people. Theres no cure for people like me, except death. On the other hand, I'm afraid to die, cuz well..I get scared, like what if I fail and people catches me, what are they going to think/say about me.

    I think my dad have social anxiety too, he doesn't talk to many people and have little friends. I always suspected this, but never confronted him about it, we're NOT close. But he might feel otherwise.

    I'm writing this like a rant kinda, cuz I just got back from the library and I saw some nice girls, one in my CH E 243 class, I was afraid to look, cuz that would be like "omg, how lame". The other one I saw at cameron library, I asked a question to a guy not far from her, and she answered for him, probably taken, I thought, "Theres probably much better guys out there or one of her guy friends that would do a better job than I do" I sat there on a sofa and waited for my book i was gonna buy from someone. Another girl came and sat near me, ok, now I was really depressed, but I didn't do anything, her boyfriend/or w/e came over and they left.

    After I bought my book, I came back to my dorm, trying not to cry and started up my laptop, and now I finished writing this.
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    is college/uni really like that? kinda makes me depressed... my first day of college is next wednesday.
  3. monty

    monty New Member


    I am in the exact same situation as you are except one year up (3rd year mech eng). My only friends at university are a couple roommates i live with and while I'm thankful for that, going to class and seeing everybody laughing and chatting while I sit by myself really makes me depressed as well.

    I feel the large class sizes make it more difficulty to make friends because in a small class, like high school which I really really miss, you are forced to talk to people and they are forced to talk to you. My inability to approach people sitting by themselves or just alone and talk to them has caused me to hate university for this reason. Everybody just walks by you and looks away, there is no "forced" friendliness like in smaller places. I constantly feel insignificant and its causing desperate reactions from my battered ego.

    The subject of girls is even worse for me than friends. I don't think I'm ever going to get a girlfriend in university. Hell, if I didn't have friends who sometimes have a few girls over, I would literally never talk to a single girl at school the whole year which is so fucking pathetic. In my opinion, I think you need to be able to fairly easily make friends or at least comfortably talk to others before a girlfriend is possible and I sure can't do that. The worst part about girls and university(or any other social environment) is seeing a couple embracing, kissing, etc in public. I get so jealous, I'd kill to be in the guys position.

    I also wonder whether Ill ever be successful in an office environment where you have to talk to people and develop meaningful relationships with them. I can just imagine how nervous I'd be going through the front door to the first day on the job where I'd have to meet a hundred people. I'm in co-op and at the job seminar where you have the opportunity to talk to companies about positions, I couldn't even do that, how could I handle it differently in less than 2 years when i have to find a job?

    I am pretty much a complete nerd. Spend most, no all day on my comp and rarely go out with my friends on weekends. Its only a matter of time before they move on and I'm left on my own to get a place to myself to be lonely in. Like you said, just having someone close to me who I could talk to about everything would vastly improve my life. Your also right in saying... death is the only answer... hence my presence on this forum.

    I hope someone has something sympathetic or encouraging to say.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 9, 2009
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