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how normal are suicidal thoughts?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by chjones21, Mar 27, 2010.

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  1. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    I don't think I am suicidal but I think about suicide all the time and often sometimes mutter aloud (more than once or twice a day) "just kill yourself" or similar words. sometimes it is embarrassing because i realise i have been overheard but the words come out involuntarily (or without me realising until i am actually saying them out loud already) and the person who has overheard tends to give me a strange look if I don't know them at all ... like yesterday when I was in a changing room and I said it outloud by mistake, this girl looked at me as if I was saying it to her!

    How common is this --- do a large percentage of people think about suicide all the time but without being suicidal. i hate myself and i hate the fact that i do things wrong all the time, i hate the fact that i let everyone down all the time, i hate the fact that i don't remember things and forget to turn up or do what i am supposed to do, i hate the fact that i let people bully me into doing things i would rather not do and all the rest --- and so on many levels i really hate myself which is why i think i say to myself all the time "just kill yourself" and yet i am NOT suicidal. i mean i think death sounds very good and it is nice to have an end to everything, a blessed relief, but i just don't think i am suicidal, i'm not. i just think about it all the time (involuntarily). I don't have to grab onto the table to stop myself throwing myself out the window or anything like that.

    what i want to know is, is this something i should consider unusual --- it is usual to me, i don't remember any time in my life from about the age of six and seven when i start remembering --- i don't remember any time without these suicidal thoughts but i am beginning to realise that other people don't have them (or at least some other people don't have them). i have always had them. i don't think it is a problem, i have lived all my life with them. i just want to know how common or not this is. does anyone know?
  2. Mystic

    Mystic Well-Known Member

    I can't speak for anyone else, but over the last few months, I think about it more and more and everytime something bad happens to me, my thoughts deepen and become more frequent.

    I have got to a stage where I think about suicide nearly all waking hours, I do it without realising it. I even started to dream about it.

    I try to rationalise why I should continue to live, what purpose I have in life and what will happen in the future. And everytime I do, I find less and less reason to stay and my resolve to continue my plans only harden.

    I have found myself spending my free online time searching for techniques.

    I just don't want to be here anymore.
  3. gakky1

    gakky1 Well-Known Member

    chjones21, for us here I think it's quite common to think those thoughts, don't think "regular" people do too often. Mystic, as bad as those thoughts are I think the same way, everyday seem to be getting one step closer.:sad:
  4. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    first off i would like to say welcome to the forum here. we're glad you're hear and really glad you are feeling like you can speak up and ask these questions you've obviously given quite a bit of thought too. i used to give great thought to suicide all the time. it's actually something quite commonly associated with borderline personality disorder or at least it was in my case so i assume i'm not the only one. i only face these thoughts rarely at most anymore though. i have worked very hard to change this type of thinking cause at least when i was using this type of thinking it only lead to more negativities about everything and anything. i don't like that. it gets or becomes even more depressing then there were times when it was overwhelming and i would chose or plan to act out on this. never a good thing for sure. plain and most simple i got sick and tired of being sick and tired and came to realize my thinking was going to have to change to change all of this. it took a long time and a lot of hard work but the rewards have just been phenominal to say the least i dare you to try it. just dare ya. in a loving way of course not trying to be hostile here. take care

    btw i just happen to believe that suicidal thinking is more common than is shared about. this has been my personal experience and i believe everyone is faced with it at some point and time during their lives. it is a natural conclusion to come to but not a natural one to carry out or so i believe, but i'm just weird like this. please forgive me.

    let me tell you i have gone from making at least five hospital visits a year due to the depression caused of course...to now i am a mentor for a group of people with really severe mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and such at my very own mental health center. i have also been recently invited to attend a training being held to learn to become a peer support specialist. i was also told they are going to be opening more peer specialist positions at the mental health center where i will most definately continue to be a client of, but if i cant end up getting on there i can literally take this training anywhere to any mental health center. these people it's probably safe to say know me better than anyone else in my life and if they even see the change there must be something to all of this. just a thought i don't know about what you think but i am estatic about this stuff. i have real meaning and purpose for my life now i mean a meaning above and beyond just my children. this committment to my children has always meant everything otherwise i wouldn't still be here but it's the idea of there being just more meaning in my life really means a lot. it's an amazing feeling and it's all because i chose to change. go figure lol
    it really is funny how that all works. i guess one just needs to ask themselves if they really want it, and there has to be at least a little element of believing you deserve it too. i know i won't have to excuse myself from work anymore either to be going in to the hospital. the freedom this is i seriously never imagined that it would sincerely happen, but here it sits and if it can happen for me it can happen for anyone and everyone. fact please take care and think positive
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2010
  5. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    thank you very much all, for your replies.

    rhinolady you have a very inspiring journey - really! i think i will re-read your post again and also i will look up borderline personality disorder too and then try to think wonderful thoughts...

    which i can do! it is just my actions that get me down!

    i am so easily pressured to go against my better instincts and then i hate myself all over again. how to be stronger? one step at a time maybe... but it is funny i always seem to take that small step in the wrong direction not the right one - hmmmm. or more honestly i fail to stop myself being pushed in any which direction anyone else (aside from myself) wants me to go. i somewhere, somehow refuse to take responsibility for my own life and therefore it is up for grabs for anyone else who wants it...

    but its great to get ideas on this. i suppose it is inevitable that asking that question here is not using a very valid representative sample of the general population but it is a start, maybe.....?

    thanks all.
  6. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    Mystic I wish I could advise or help you if things are spiralling down for you. Who has that lovely quote somewhere I saw it on a signature from the Desiderata about being as loved and as welcome and as valid here as any plant or tree or star or human or animal - that meant a lot to me as I read it, but these things always strike people differently depending on where they are standing at that particular point in their life.

    I don't know if there is anything I can say that will resonate or truly touch your despair, i am not any kind of useful person like a counselor.

    I do know that you have value and a future and from the outside looking in, everyone will see a wonderful person but I don't know what you see from the inside looking out.

    I think rhinolady had a wonderful post, can you draw any inspiration from her journey, I wonder...

    Look after yourself!
  7. gakky1

    gakky1 Well-Known Member

    You're right, good comments chjones and rhinolady, nice story, like he said need to read it a few times, also noticed there's quite a few good stories thru the threads.:stars:
  8. Tane

    Tane Active Member

    I mutter to myself A LOT. I've had to make a consious effort to stop. I would mutter "Kill Myself" "I hate me" "Fuck me"
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